Walking.

I decided to go for a walk. At 1:40AM.
So I texted Mike, because I know it's safer to walk with him than to go alone.
He was busy, but said he might meet up later.

I said that was cool, but I was still going to go for my walk, even by myself.

I just got back.

I meandered around campus for 3 hours.
I met 6 people and one feral cat.

I was walking around a playground that me and Mike hung out at last time we went for a late night walk, when a man came towards me from the shadows of the street next to the playground. I was terrified at first, and sought an escape route. Then he came into the light and I recognized him instantly: 'GoldenGloves' he called himself... Willie Karnegay, his name was. I had met him at orientation. We talked for over an hour. He told me about himself - he's homeless, been living around temple for about a year. He asked me who I was and what I was doing walkin around by myself so late at night. I told him the truth. I don't know why, but I just told him.
I explained about Matt, and about living here in Philly: tonight I was first seeking solitude, then suddenly feeling so alone and forsaken, and seeking only human contact. I even told him about how I lost my claddagh ring tonight. I can't find it anywhere, and I feel like I am missing a very important piece of myself. He tried to comfort me.
Then we talked some more.
He asked me how old I thought he was. I guessed 44. He's 51. I told him that's the same age as my father.
He talked about how he roams campus, protecting the women students at Temple. He said that I am a woman. An adult, because I am 18.
Then he asked if I wanted to have sex with him.
That's when I told him no thanks and that I had to go meet up with a friend.

***

After I left, I walked a different way, towards the other end of campus.
I ran into a boy. He said he was a junior. He was stumbling down the sidewalk. He thought I was lost and tried to help me find my way. I told him that, while I am not sure where I plan to go, I certainly know where I am. Then I walked him back to his apartment. We had an interesting talk. He was pretty articulate, for a drunk kid.
Apparently he had been roughed up at the party he was at. I noticed a hole in his shirt and some scrapes on his arms. He said he was looking for a girl, when some big jock attacked him.
When we got to his building, I said goodnight. He said, "so, you are just walking me here? you didn't want to come up and see my apartment? It has a great view. Didn't you want to -?"
I realized what he had thought, so I said, "I am going now. Maybe I will see you around. Probably not, though."
He said, "I don't even know your name."
I said, "and I don't know yours. but I know that this is where your apartment is, and maybe I will walk by here again, sometime. Goodnight."

***

Then I was walking around just south of Liacouras Walk, and I noticed a feral cat. She watched me. Most cats run when someone walks towards them, so I stopped and knelt down a few yards away, and reached my hand out. She came to me, instantly. Then she followed me as I walked away, so I led her to a 7/11 on Liacouras Walk and bought her some fig newtons. Some students walking by said that they knew every feral cat in the area, and named them all. But this one, they did not recognize. So they asked what I named her. I said, "...Copernicus."



***

I ran into another homeless person, this time a woman. She asked for some money to buy something to eat at the 7/11. I gave her some and she left.

***
I was wondering why Mike had not texted/called me yet. But I figured he probably went to sleep. So I continued my walk. Then I came home.

I have never felt so alone in all of my life. I wanted to cry, but for what? I wanted someone, anyone, to reach out to me and ask, "what is wrong?"
I yearned to be needed, to be loved, to be cared for...
I wish Thom had his phone. I wished that more than anything tonight.
I really needed him.

I was so desperate to hear a familiar voice, I even considered calling Matt. But I promised myself the day he gave me his number that I would never call him without a good reason.
Still, I longed to hear his voice, to hear him tell me that he loves me, or to hear him say anything at all.