Mike = Thom

Fuck.

On our little walk tonight,
Mike admitted that he has strong feelings for me. And that it will be difficult for him to get over me.

He's basically Thom, when Thom and I first met.

Mike asked me tonight, "What is so special about this Matt guy that you speak so highly of?"
I asked him, "What was so special about your last girlfriend?"
He said, "oh. I understand. There's no way to answer that."
"Exactly."


And so the conversation went for over 2 hours.
I was missing Matt so badly tonight. I just wanted to lean on Mike for support. I wanted to feel protected, safe. I needed someone to hold me. And I couldn't ask that of Mike, for obvious reasons.
I long for human contact. Physical touch. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it will be alright soon enough.


***
On a side note, I am planning to visit Windraker on my own. Columbus Day weekend, if I can raise the money, I will be going to visit Windy in Brooklyn. I haven't told Matt or Thom yet. I am not sure I will. If Thom is still reading this blog, then he will know soon enough. Matt... well I don't know if I will tell Matt at all.

***

I got to talk to Matt tonight. Normally, that would be a great thing. Tonight, however, is an exception. I told him about my troubles with Mike. Then he asked me to tell him more, and sounded a bit jealous - he asked if I "like" Mike. I told him the truth - of course I don't have feelings for Mike.

Then Matt said he feels bad about telling me about girls, but he is in a similarly awful situation with some chicks.
Apparently he was talking to one girl, and she really liked him. And he went and slept with that girl's best friend. And it has just escalated since then. He has damaged/destroyed a handful of very tight relationships in very little time.
Well, that's great.
I have always known he must be screwing around. I know we are both allowed to. But I no longer have any desire to, because I am so in love with Matt, and so no one else seems to be even worth screwing. Plus, if I screwed around with someone, how awful would that make Mike feel?
Anyway, I could ignore the fact, and pretend it wasn't true, but now he has said it to my face. I can no longer ignore it. I must face and accept the fact that he is screwing other girls.
It hurts.
But it is not a surprise.

And it does not sting as much as my deepest fear:
That he will find a girl there that is worth more to him than sex - worth more, even, than any internet love.


I promise that I won't fall in love with anyone else. Not while you are in my heart.


So go ahead, Matt. Screw as many chicks as you'd like. But don't fall for any of them, ok?

***

New Song Choice:
"All My Loving" by the Beatles

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.

I'll pretend That I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.

All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you:
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving darling I'll be True.
All my loving All my loving
All my loving I will send to you