RKD

That's his nickname. RKD, because that's how his name is pronounced.

Well, today was alright - I did great in my acting class: our assignment was to mimick someone we observed previously.

I used both Matt, and a compilation of other guys - my brother, Mike, and some guys I didn't know, but did observe.

It went swimmingly. I was pretending to text someone a lot, and my teacher wanted us to have background for our characters, so he asked me who I was texting. I said, "My girlfriend. She's in connecticut. We are still together, even though we are so far away."

I didn't even mean to do it, but I basically said what I have been wishing Matt would say about me. I have been wishing he would just call me his girlfriend, and ask me to be only his, and promise himself to me. I have been wishing for commitment, for exclusivity.
That's something I never thought I would say, but it's true. I have been yearning for his full attention and fidelity from the very beginning. I hate that I am just one small part of his life, and that he keeps insisting that we both mess around while we are at college. I would be willing to make him my everything, but he apparently doesn't want that.

Anyway, after acting, I grabbed some breakfast with Liz, then took a quick nap, than dashed off to chemistry.
Arkadiy texted me non stop throughout my whole chem class, and then asked if I would like to hang out.
I had already made plans with Mike, so I turned him down.

Mike and I grabbed lunch, then I told him I was going to go nap. I didn't. I texted RKD and asked if he wanted to chill before his class. He did. So we hung out for about half and hour.
It was nice - he's actually nerdier during the day apparently: he was wearing glasses and he was much shyer than he was last night - call me crazy, but I found it even more endearing. He's adorable. Liz is still asking about me and him - all her texts say, "he's so HOTTTT!!!"
haha

Anyway, this could be trouble. He really likes me.
He flirted like crazy today. When I was leaving, he held me for longer than a friend normally hugs another friend (just like last night). And now he is still texting me non stop. I don't mind it, but all I am wondering is: where is his girlfriend? Why doesn't he text her instead of me? What does he think this will lead to?

I won't be "the other woman" (I won't help him cheat on his girlfriend)
and I wouldn't expect him to break up with her.
***

But what if he does? What if he dumps his girlfriend because he is that interested in me?
I can't give him a relationship.
I won't give him a relationship.
I love Matt.

...but it's so nice to have someone who:
A)texts me non stop, sending sweet messages that make me smile.
B) can always be here, touching me, holding me
C) always wants to be with me, holding me.


Being with him reminds me of all the shortcomings of my "relationship" with Matt.
A)Matt tells me not to text him.
B)Matt is never online, and even when we do talk on skype, he gives me time limits - "You've only got about 15 minutes, then I'm getting off skype." - as if he's doing me a favor by talking to me!!
C)Matt never says anything sweet or loving without being asked.
D)Matt can't touch me.

***
I almost wish I could tell Matt about Arkadiy, and see how he reacts. I want to remind Matt that I am desirable, and that I can lose interest too. I want to remind him that he needs to put in the effort if he wants me.

This is bad. I'm confused.

***


I feel so juvenile to go through a 'he said, she said'...
But it's the easiest way to convey this story.
(keep in mind, RKD is texting me throughout this whole text-convo with Matt)


Just to be a bitch, I texted Matt:
"Hypothetically, how mad would you be if I fell in love?"

(it was exactly the question, verbatim, that he had asked the night that we fought. It was the last straw, the one question that made me flip out.)

His first answer was,
"Haha is this the part where I'm supposed to freak out?"

I said,
"Well, yeah, it was a joke. But seriously, how mad?"

And he said,
"I wouldn't mind at all, as long as we could still talk. I always assumed this would eventually happen. Who's the lucky guy?"

*I was dumbfounded. Wow. He assumed that this would eventually happen?*

So I texted him back with,
"haha...

no.

seriously? you expected me to fall for someone else? do you expect to fall for someone else?

...and anyway, what good would it do to tell you his name? You still wouldn't know who he is."


His response was 4 messages long:
"I figured you would grow tired of me and find someone else. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I can't really expect that you would really be that tied to someone who can't even fulfill the simplest task of touching you. Eventually I figured your sexual needs would win out, and you would find someone to help you 'blow off steam.' Statistically, you're bound to fall for one of them. It sucks, but it's the most logical thing to happen, not to sound cold. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I do care for you, I just figured you would find someone with a little more physical substance."

I answered him,
"matt. I met someone who makes me smile, and yeah, he can touch me. but I LOVE YOU. I don't love him. I just wanted to know how you would respond when asked that question.
And by the way, do you "care for" me, or love me?
and you didn't say whether or not you are looking to fall in love in mississippi."

and his response:
"CLICHE ALERT- I'm not looking for love, but I wasn't looking for love when I found you. WHOA! That's right, I went there."

I said something similar to,
"But what you're saying depends upon sex and love being intertwined. I can mess around meaninglessly, can't I?"

He said, "Emotions will ultimately get involved."

I asked if he would fall for someone else. He said, "Probably, if I was with the same girl for long enough,"

I got really upset after hearing that. I said, "I'm going to go cry now."

He said, "Please don't. Trust me, right now, there isn't a single girl around me that I am even remotely interested in."

I felt better. The conversation continued, Matt told me I could hook up with Arkadiy if I want to. I said that I know I can. But I could never fall for him. I told Matt specifically that, "He's no you."
(talk about cliches)
It's true. No matter how much fun I have with Arkadiy, I can't fall for him. I told him that..