Love or Like?

Before I get into my crazy-messed up love life, I will first make a few notes about my day:
I was AWESOME in my classes today! Well, even before my classes! I woke up late, and I didn't think I would have enough time to get my Asian Thought and Behavior essay done before calculus (after which I immediately have Asian Thought and Behavior), but I got it done! I also feel like I aced the quiz we took today in calculus, even though I didn't do any of the homework!
Then, in Asian Thought and Behavior, I was basically leading the class discussion on the Vedantic Way and the theories and metaphorical representation of the orthodox tradition within the Bhagavad Gita! I ended up posing questions for the class to discuss for over a half hour! It rocked! Every time I brought up a point, my teacher would say something similar to, "Yes! That's a great question! Well, class, what do you think?"
And then in Morality and the Law, I was also leading the class discussion on obscenity law, pornography, and feminism of the modern era. It was just a very productive day.

Tonight = homework and relaxation. No Arkadiy, no Julian, no Kyle. No Mike. Not tonight.

Also, I am not getting enough sleep. I have fallen asleep in every one of my classes today (only for just a few moments, but that's still bad).
So tonight I am going to bed early, if I can, because I need the sleep. I have my first real test in Chemistry tomorrow. Also, I am going to a party at Josh Booth's apartment tomorrow night - it's semi-formal, too! I will be dressing up for the first time in... quite a while. I am kind of excited...
And then on saturday I have another party to go to. I don't know any of the details, I am just going with Mike cause he invited me, and he said there's going to be a hot tub. How can I pass that up? :P


***
Now, on to my love life...

Alright, that settles it.
He texts me every day, all day. I am so glad I have unlimited texts. My phone goes off every other minute, it seems. And I don't mind it. It helps class pass by quickly. But it is really getting out of hand. And it can only mean one thing. The things that he says, the texts that he sends me... they all point to one thing:
Arkadiy is falling for me. Hard. It won't be long before he tells me he can't handle this non-commitment.

And I don't love him. I won't love him.

I was turned on by his confidence when we first met, and I am charmed daily by his sweetness. But I can never love him. He is not... right for me.
I am a very passionate person, I have an opinion on everything. It annoys and exasperates me to talk to someone who does not have an opinion on things that matter. Arkadiy and Matt have that in common. But at least Matt listens to me. Arkadiy just keeps saying, "I don't see why that matters."
Very frustrating.
But I think part of it is acting: he admitted to me that I make him nervous. I asked why, and he said it's probably because I am so unpredictable. I took that as a compliment, but I can't have him nervous around me all the time. I think that at least a part of his nonchalance is put on, so as to make him seem less nervous.

Matt is difficult to get along with, just like Arkadiy.
Except with Matt, is always feels like it's worth it. I would rather spend my night fighting with Matt over skype than kissing Arkadiy (or anyone that's not Matt).


Oh, and Matt - he made me so happy today.
At 3:42 this afternoon, I was just getting back to my dorm room, ready to settle in for an hour or two and just work on some homework before going to Morality and the Law.
Now, keep in mind, Arkadiy has been texting me all day. So when I got a text, I just tossed my phone on my bed while I changed into sweatpants.
Once I had my sweatpants on, I turned back to my phone and opened it up. Instead of seeing,"Arkadiy" in the sender section, it said, "Matthew Michael <3"
(because that is how his name is in my phone).
I opened the message. It had three words.
"I love you."
My heart skipped about 8 and a half beats, and I dropped to my knees in the middle of the floor in my room. It seems silly to me, now that I am writing it down. But it's true. Those three words from Matt were all it took to overwhelm me with happiness and longing.
When I regained composure, I texted him back, "awww I love you too. What was that for?"
And he replied, "Just felt like telling you."
I said, "You are the sweetest. You just made my day <3"
And he answered, "Anytime"

***
It's amazing how he can do that to me.
I have been thinking about Arkadiy non stop this week. I have been thinking about doing all sorts of things to him. I have been craving sex with him. Now, I feel completely detached. I don't want him anymore. Sure, I will still try to mess around and have a little fun, but it isn't the same. Matt is forever in my mind and my heart. And I am worried that the next time I kiss Arkadiy, I will be thinking of Matt.

That's how I know I love Matt. Arkadiy is great, but he will never mean to me what Matt means to me.