Ok. Wow.
Last night (Monday night) was.... incredible.
Liz and I went down to the courtyard to hang with Julian, Kyle, and RKD. I brought my calculus homework with me so I could get it done while the rest played cards. Well, I did not even look at my calc (and paid for that today - got up early to work on it, then finished it in class... mine was a very rushed morning), instead I was too busy paying attention to Arkadiy. I pretended to try to learn how to play whatever game is was that he and Julian and Kyle were playing - I think it was "Bankruptcy" or something - but in actuality, I was just using that as an excuse to lean closer to Arkadiy, rest my hand on his leg, lay my head on his shoulder, etc.
Eventually I tried playing, but it just turned into Arkadiy telling me which card to play, because my head was just not in the game, and learning
It was so nice, being close to a guy, feeling the attraction... the little space left between us almost felt as if it had an electrical charge, it was exhilarating!
I longed to kiss him, but I didn't want to do that in front of everyone. That would make things very awkward.
Then, a while later, Liz and I wanted to walk around (mostly because I wanted to steal a few moments alone with Arkadiy, and I figured I would have more opportunity to do so if we were walking around the city.), but Kyle had to put his ipod speakers away (we had been using them to listen to music) in his room, so we all waited in the lobby for him. Liz brought up how Steve was texting me , and I went off on a rant about how obnoxious it was that he even thought I would be interested in him (as more than friends - this guy was annoying me through texts and facebook) I said something similar to, "How could someone who's unattractive, overweight, and annoying - not to mention he's 23 and an RA! - think I would be interested in him?!"
And, somehow... he happened to be walking by just when I said it.
I can not be positive, but I am 99.99999999% sure he heard what I said. I almost cried I felt so guilty and terrible.
Arkadiy and Julian started laughing their asses off, not realizing how upset I was. Liz grabbed me and pulled me over to a wall so I could lean and hide my face in shame. I have not felt lower than that before in my life. I wanted to curl up and die. And at the time I felt that that was a worthy death.
Well, when Arkadiy realized how upset I was, he grabbed me tightly. Now, keep in mind, the most we had touched was a hug goodbye. He held me to him so close that - I feel so selfish and egocentric for this - for an instant, I completely forgot why I was upset in the first place! I quickly remembered, but I could no longer feel so terrible. Not with his arms around me. After that, for the rest of the night, he told me jokes and teased me to keep me smiling. He also never let go of my hand.
***
I wish I could tell Matt this:
"If you had any reason to feel threatened - which you shouldn't - this could be the only reason:
It's not that Arkadiy is with me in person, and can touch me and "fulfill my physical needs", as you once said to me. No, it's more than that. Arkadiy fulfills my emotional needs - he tells me how he's feeling, what he's feeling, and without any provocation at all. This is my biggest problem with you. You never open up to me, never tell me how you're truly feeling - at least, not unless I bug you to or get angry at you first."
***
Anyway,
After a while, Liz decided she was going to go to bed. So we walked her back to the dorm and then Kyle, Julian, Arkadiy, and I went back to our casual meandering around the campus. Then Kyle said he was tired, too. We walked him back to the dorm. It was down to Julian, Arkadiy, and I. I took us to the roof on Anderson Hall. It is open up there, 2 stories up. There's a raised patch of grass, probably a square of about 40ft on each side, with a 2 foot thick perimeter of concrete, where people tend to chill at all times of day. We were there around 1:30 AM. The grassy patch was empty, so we claimed it. We were talking for a while, then I felt really tired (having only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before) and I laid down in the grass and dozed a bit. I woke up with Arkadiy's hoodie over me. He said I looked cold.
A short while later, I had gotten up and sat next to Julian on the perimeter of the grassy patch, and Arkadiy had laid down on the grass, propped up on his elbows.
Julian got up and walked away for a moment, and I saw an slim opportunity. I grabbed Arkadiy and kissed him. It would have been a perfect plan, except that I hadn't expected the kiss to be so good... I couldn't pull myself away from him.
Julian had already come back over and sat down again, staring in disbelief or surprise (I don't know which), by the time I released Arkadiy.
He laid all the way down on his back and just stared up at the night sky, smiling broadly.
I sat back down and sputtered out an apology to Julian. Then I changed the subject.
This just seemed like appropriate placing for this photo. haha
Later, the three of us went up to Arkadiy's dorm room, to print homework out for Julian. Then Julian had to drop the homework in his room, and Arkadiy took advantage of the moment alone in the hallway by pushing me up against the wall and kissing me slowly. It was perfect. When I asked him later why he did it, he said, "Your eyes told me you wanted it."
Later, the three of us were sitting in the "Alumni Circle", and I laid down and rested my head in Arkadiy's lap. I ended up falling asleep! I was so embarrassed that I said I was really tired and that I had to go back to my dorm right away. They walked me back, and then I went to bed.
***
Tuesday night (September 22) - Wednesday morning (September 23):
Went out with Arkadiy again tonight. We met up and chilled in the grass on top of Anderson again, except this time, without Julian. It was great. We talked and cuddled for at least 2 hours. Then we walked around the city for a while, just talking... and he would randomly stop and grab me and kiss me. He somehow always does exactly what I want and need, exactly when I want it - without ever being told!
He made me feel so good about myself:
He kept saying that I am the best kisser, and that I am beautiful, and so great.
We ended up sitting down in a secluded area, talking and kissing and cuddling. He talked about how his ex girlfriend apparently lied to him about doing drugs, and he asked me about Matt.
He actually got me to thinking about a lot of things.
I am not wondering about a whole slew of questions...
...the most prevalent being, "What am I going to do if I fall for Arkadiy?"
I love Matt. We even skyped tonight before I finished this post.
I have to say...
if given the choice...
I would still choose Matt. But right now, no one is forcing me to choose.
And when it comes down to it... the only situation in which I would have to choose would be if Arkadiy and I got into a serious, legitimate relationship.
And I don't think I can do that. I love Matt.
But what happens when I start loving Arkadiy too?
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