2:15 AM
Ok. I am in the middle of a conversation with Matt right now. He came on skype and asked me again if I would be mad if he fell in love with someone else.
WHAT THE FUCK, MATT?!
Is he trying to hurt me now? Or is he amused by my reaction every time he brings it up?
I told him, as I told him last night, that I would be mad. But not at him.
However, I am mad at him for bringing it up again. And now all of my anger and frustration from the past few nights is just cascading out through the wall that had been undermined by Matt's question.
This will not end well.
***
3:40AM
We have been fighting for over an hour. I am so pissed.
And now the conversation is over for tonight. This is how it ended.
[3:33:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[3:33:28 AM] Matthew Michael: We can talk about this now
[3:33:31 AM] Matthew Michael: Or I can get some sleep
[3:33:35 AM] Matthew Michael: And we'll finish this later
[3:33:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Your call
[3:33:41 AM] Zachariah: NO YOUR CALL
[3:34:07 AM] Matthew Michael: This sounds bad, but lets finish this when I'm more conscious
[3:34:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[3:34:11 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm out of it
[3:34:16 AM] Matthew Michael: and I can't do you good
[3:34:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Tomorrow
[3:34:22 AM] Matthew Michael: it's on
[3:34:25 AM] Matthew Michael: sorry
[3:34:28 AM] Matthew Michael: i love you
[3:34:29 AM] Zachariah: fine.
***
and then I signed off without saying another word.
I hope this drives him crazy. I hope it keeps him awake tonight.
I hope he can't focus on anything tomorrow because he is so preoccupied with worrying about me.
...and I know that none of that will happen. Because he's Matt, and he's incapable of worrying or feeling pretty much any "emotions" deeper than contentedness or discomfort.
Well, he finally got to see my angry side, my hateful side. I have a knack for saying the perfect hateful things that can sting a person through and through. I have a certain prowess for causing pain and grief. He has remained unfazed by everything I have thrown at him.
That cannot be a good sign.
I am so overwhelmed and frustrated. Fuck this whole damn thing.
Fuck him.
Thom, if you're reading this, congratulations: the relationship that you are so opposed to might just be falling apart before your very eyes. Fuck you too, for never supporting me - I have heard your opinion, I have understood your warnings. But I have made my decision. I have placed all bets on Matt, and no matter how foolish my choice was, it has been made. Real friends support each other in their decisions, even if they disagree with the decision made. Where are you now, when I need that friend to lean on?
No, I get to grieve alone. I get to cry myself to sleep tonight. Alone.
If I had you here with me, Matt, I would be tempted to smack you. But even now, as angry as I am (and I am furious to the point of tears), I know that the first thing I would do would still be the same: I would kiss you. And hold you. And cry with my face pressed hard against your chest.
Even though you are the subject of my anger, you are also the only one with the power to make me happy again. Don't let me down.
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Where am I? I'm 300 miles away in Wolcott, longing to see you. but being told no ever time. I would gladly come comfort you at a moments notice.
ReplyDeleteRight now I am on borrowed internet with my laptop running in safe mode, and that's how it looks like it will be for awhile. so don't expect me on the net too much.
I love you Emmy, stay strong in Philly.
I know you can do it.