It's not fair.
Last night, I saw Arkadiy again.
We talked and kissed a lot.
Then I was an idiot.
I brought up how guilty I was feeling about having two boys at once.
I feel weird, because I have never not been forced to choose between two guys. And in this situation, I haven't had to yet. Although Arkadiy started talking, and he admitted he knows who I am going to choose, when the time comes that I must. He knows it's Matt that I love.
And he can't handle that, he said. He said he is falling for me. And he doesn't want to get hurt.
So last night was, according to him, the last time we could do anything more than what friends do.
So I told him to kiss me like he would never get to kiss me again.
I think it was one of the best kisses I have ever experienced. Which did not help me stop thinking about how badly I want him.
I want him for more than just sex. I want to fall asleep in his arms. I want to wake up to his face.
I want to be cared for, and taken care of. That was supposed to happen this weekend.
Last night he said that this weekend is not going to happen. (He also mentioned today how difficult it will be for him to explain not screwing me to Julian and Kyle because apparently I am extremely good looking.)
He said he attaches too much meaning with sex, and so he would definitely fall for me if we slept together.
I just can't let this chance slip through my fingers. He makes me feel so happy and so good about myself, without even trying. He somehow always says the right thing.
So I told him, "Consider this weekend. Let loose, give in to your desires. Sure, it might hurt more in the long run, but don't you want this as badly as I do?"
He is still deliberating.
I'm going to go take a nap because I am exhausted and sick and I don't know what else to do right now. I'm very confused and stressed. Sleep should help.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
SEX. NOW. KTHNXBAI.
Before I explain this entry's title, I just wanted to mention that Mike is the best. He caught up with me and Liz at lunch today (oh, and she's a crazy person - she was raving about how good looking he is, and how she wants him so bad, after he left), after he made me promise to see him, even for 5 minutes, before I went to chemistry.
He brought an entire freaking pharmacy.
He gave me 3 different bottles of pills - all different types of vitamins, and a giant 1.5 Liter water bottle (it's bigger than my head!).
He said, "this is doctor Mike's regimen. Stay on it, and you will get well in no time."
I love him, he's so great to me. I don't deserve him.
Later, he walked me to chemistry lab. We sat and talked before I went in to my class. I was asking him about some girl he met at the party friday night, hoping he was getting somewhere with her. Sounded unlikely.
Then I talked a bit about Arkadiy, and this weekend's sexual... plans.
Mike said, "I want to break his face."
And then suggested I have sex with him (Mike) instead of Arkadiy.
I hate to say it, but it is tempting. I would still have sex with Arkadiy, too, but Mike is... well, Mike is hot.
But I can't do that to him, or to our friendship. I must control myself.
***
Holy hell, Arkadiy is such a freakin tease!
He was just going to 'stop by' and see how I was doing tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't let him leave. He stayed with me in my dorm room for 3 and a half hours (8:15-11:45)!! And he wouldn't let me do anything because my suite mates were right next door. Looking back, I am glad he didn't let anything happen, but goddamn, he just had to play with me, didn't he?
He would barely touch me, except to tousle my hair or brush his hand against my cheek - but no sexual touches at all!
And then... out of nowhere - I was just lying down, and he was sitting next to me.
He leaned over, pulled the top of my pants down just a few inches, and left a hickey just above my hip bone. It was one of the sexiest things I had ever experienced.
GAH!!!
***
and then I made a big mistake.
Later on, we were just kissing, and he pulled away for a moment and said, jokingly, "I am just a fuck toy to you, aren't I?"
And I said, "...sometimes?"
I was half-joking.
Apparently I could not have said anything worse.
He was so upset. I apologized profusely.
Then I said, "Hey, you only met me less than 2 weeks ago. You don't know me that well. It must be a similar situation for you, too."
And he said, "I know you well enough for that to hurt. A lot."
So I apologized and said, "Oh Arkadiy. I care about you. A lot. I never want to hurt you. I'm so sorry, honey."
He seemed to get over it for the time being, but then, after he left, we were texting, and he brought it up again.
I am a terrible person.
He brought an entire freaking pharmacy.
He gave me 3 different bottles of pills - all different types of vitamins, and a giant 1.5 Liter water bottle (it's bigger than my head!).
He said, "this is doctor Mike's regimen. Stay on it, and you will get well in no time."
I love him, he's so great to me. I don't deserve him.
Later, he walked me to chemistry lab. We sat and talked before I went in to my class. I was asking him about some girl he met at the party friday night, hoping he was getting somewhere with her. Sounded unlikely.
Then I talked a bit about Arkadiy, and this weekend's sexual... plans.
Mike said, "I want to break his face."
And then suggested I have sex with him (Mike) instead of Arkadiy.
I hate to say it, but it is tempting. I would still have sex with Arkadiy, too, but Mike is... well, Mike is hot.
But I can't do that to him, or to our friendship. I must control myself.
***
Holy hell, Arkadiy is such a freakin tease!
He was just going to 'stop by' and see how I was doing tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't let him leave. He stayed with me in my dorm room for 3 and a half hours (8:15-11:45)!! And he wouldn't let me do anything because my suite mates were right next door. Looking back, I am glad he didn't let anything happen, but goddamn, he just had to play with me, didn't he?
He would barely touch me, except to tousle my hair or brush his hand against my cheek - but no sexual touches at all!
And then... out of nowhere - I was just lying down, and he was sitting next to me.
He leaned over, pulled the top of my pants down just a few inches, and left a hickey just above my hip bone. It was one of the sexiest things I had ever experienced.
GAH!!!
***
and then I made a big mistake.
Later on, we were just kissing, and he pulled away for a moment and said, jokingly, "I am just a fuck toy to you, aren't I?"
And I said, "...sometimes?"
I was half-joking.
Apparently I could not have said anything worse.
He was so upset. I apologized profusely.
Then I said, "Hey, you only met me less than 2 weeks ago. You don't know me that well. It must be a similar situation for you, too."
And he said, "I know you well enough for that to hurt. A lot."
So I apologized and said, "Oh Arkadiy. I care about you. A lot. I never want to hurt you. I'm so sorry, honey."
He seemed to get over it for the time being, but then, after he left, we were texting, and he brought it up again.
I am a terrible person.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
God's Plan.
I am not very religious.
I do not consider myself affiliated with any church, I do not identify with any one particular belief system.
I believe in God. Beyond that, though, I am not really sure where I stand.
But now I am starting to believe in some divine plan that this 'God' guy must have for me.
Let me explain.
I was in a bad situation about a month ago. I almost slept with a guy that I met at a party. I would have regretted it terribly.
The only thing that stopped me from having sex with him? I had gotten my period that day.
Now, taken alone, that can seem like a very lucky coincidence. But there's more.
After a party this past Saturday night, I spent the night with Mike. Again, the only thing that stopped us from sleeping together: I had my period.
And, lastly:
the Arkadiy situation. He is going to want to kiss me and touch me and be close to me. Well, I must have caught Liz's stupid cold, because I am currently all congested and achy. It sucks to be sick, but it was my excuse for not seeing him tonight. And it can work for the rest of the week. We might hang out, but I won't be all over him, and thus I won't do something I'm likely to regret later.
I like Arkadiy. But I can never love him. Not while Matt is in my heart. So I am trying to make sure Arkadiy doesn't fall for me, though he currently seems to be doing just that.
***
This must have been planned by someone.
I do not consider myself affiliated with any church, I do not identify with any one particular belief system.
I believe in God. Beyond that, though, I am not really sure where I stand.
But now I am starting to believe in some divine plan that this 'God' guy must have for me.
Let me explain.
I was in a bad situation about a month ago. I almost slept with a guy that I met at a party. I would have regretted it terribly.
The only thing that stopped me from having sex with him? I had gotten my period that day.
Now, taken alone, that can seem like a very lucky coincidence. But there's more.
After a party this past Saturday night, I spent the night with Mike. Again, the only thing that stopped us from sleeping together: I had my period.
And, lastly:
the Arkadiy situation. He is going to want to kiss me and touch me and be close to me. Well, I must have caught Liz's stupid cold, because I am currently all congested and achy. It sucks to be sick, but it was my excuse for not seeing him tonight. And it can work for the rest of the week. We might hang out, but I won't be all over him, and thus I won't do something I'm likely to regret later.
I like Arkadiy. But I can never love him. Not while Matt is in my heart. So I am trying to make sure Arkadiy doesn't fall for me, though he currently seems to be doing just that.
***
This must have been planned by someone.
Party.
Party @ Josh Booth's last night. He is the one person at my university that I know from back home.
It was a decent party. I met a dozen different very good looking guys.
I had some fun, but every guy I met wanted me to be his beer pong partner or his dance partner. I was basically getting groped left and right. So I made sure everyone thought that Mike was my boyfriend. And then shortly after, Mike was leaving (he had a race Saturday morning - he's on the crew team) to get to bed early (like 12AM). I left with him.
We went back to his room. We talked for a while. Then he was going to bed, and I didn't feel like leaving. So I slept there, with him. And, once again, I praise god that I have my period right now, so I didn't have sex with him. Otherwise... I probably would have. And that would have been bad.
But I did sleep over there. It was nice to have some company. It reminded me of sleeping over Thom's house/apartment (minus the sex, of course, that was always regretful.).
Anyway, I was still pretty drunk, so I did something I shouldn't have - I took my dress off. I slept in my underwear. Bad Idea. But nothing happened, so I don't think I screwed up too badly. Well....except for early this morning. I was half asleep. And.... well... I'm just going to say it... Mike kissed me. And I let him.
But he knows it didn't mean anything.
I'm just going to move on quickly so I don't dwell on that fact.
I already regret it enough as it is.
***
There was another party tonight (saturday night) that I was supposed to go to with Mike. But we would have to take a taxi there and back, and he was planning on sleeping there. So I would have to take a taxi back alone. That was no bueno. So I opted out. He went. It did not go well.
Apparently the party took place in a very sketchy neighborhood. Lots of heroine and shit around there. So a gang came in and tried to intimidate Mike's group of friends. Some guy pulled a gun. The gang left, promising to return with more guys and more guns. Mike and a couple of guys got out of there, and some stayed. All of them ended up alright, according to Mike.
I'm just glad Mike got out of there. I don't know what I would do if he got hurt.
***
Anyway, talking to Matt again tonight. I met a bunch of his friends. I talked for an hour to his future roommate, Spencer. He was pretty cool. And then Matt came in and started joking and flirting and saying he was jealous.
I learned something new about him today. Matt's apparently a martial arts expert.
I hope he can demonstrate a couple of moves on me... if you know what I mean ;)
***
I'm actually skyping with him right now.
I'll add more later if it seems worthwhile.
***
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I feel I must add this one thing:
Last night, during our skype conversation, Matt asked me,
"So, what are you doing over winter break?"
I nearly fell off my chair.
He said that he and some of his friends want to go on a road trip, and he is trying to convince them to go up North, towards NY - with a stop in CT!!!!
He's going to try to come see me!! I finally get to meet him!
Now, he said not to get my hope up, but I just can't help it.
I asked him what was the first thing he would do if we finally met in person, and he simply said,
"Oh, I've got a few things in mind."
I hope he kisses me. First and foremost.
Kiss me...
***
Oh please, God, don't let this fall through.
It was a decent party. I met a dozen different very good looking guys.
I had some fun, but every guy I met wanted me to be his beer pong partner or his dance partner. I was basically getting groped left and right. So I made sure everyone thought that Mike was my boyfriend. And then shortly after, Mike was leaving (he had a race Saturday morning - he's on the crew team) to get to bed early (like 12AM). I left with him.
We went back to his room. We talked for a while. Then he was going to bed, and I didn't feel like leaving. So I slept there, with him. And, once again, I praise god that I have my period right now, so I didn't have sex with him. Otherwise... I probably would have. And that would have been bad.
But I did sleep over there. It was nice to have some company. It reminded me of sleeping over Thom's house/apartment (minus the sex, of course, that was always regretful.).
Anyway, I was still pretty drunk, so I did something I shouldn't have - I took my dress off. I slept in my underwear. Bad Idea. But nothing happened, so I don't think I screwed up too badly. Well....except for early this morning. I was half asleep. And.... well... I'm just going to say it... Mike kissed me. And I let him.
But he knows it didn't mean anything.
I'm just going to move on quickly so I don't dwell on that fact.
I already regret it enough as it is.
***
There was another party tonight (saturday night) that I was supposed to go to with Mike. But we would have to take a taxi there and back, and he was planning on sleeping there. So I would have to take a taxi back alone. That was no bueno. So I opted out. He went. It did not go well.
Apparently the party took place in a very sketchy neighborhood. Lots of heroine and shit around there. So a gang came in and tried to intimidate Mike's group of friends. Some guy pulled a gun. The gang left, promising to return with more guys and more guns. Mike and a couple of guys got out of there, and some stayed. All of them ended up alright, according to Mike.
I'm just glad Mike got out of there. I don't know what I would do if he got hurt.
***
Anyway, talking to Matt again tonight. I met a bunch of his friends. I talked for an hour to his future roommate, Spencer. He was pretty cool. And then Matt came in and started joking and flirting and saying he was jealous.
I learned something new about him today. Matt's apparently a martial arts expert.
I hope he can demonstrate a couple of moves on me... if you know what I mean ;)
***
I'm actually skyping with him right now.
I'll add more later if it seems worthwhile.
***
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I feel I must add this one thing:
Last night, during our skype conversation, Matt asked me,
"So, what are you doing over winter break?"
I nearly fell off my chair.
He said that he and some of his friends want to go on a road trip, and he is trying to convince them to go up North, towards NY - with a stop in CT!!!!
He's going to try to come see me!! I finally get to meet him!
Now, he said not to get my hope up, but I just can't help it.
I asked him what was the first thing he would do if we finally met in person, and he simply said,
"Oh, I've got a few things in mind."
I hope he kisses me. First and foremost.
Kiss me...
***
Oh please, God, don't let this fall through.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Love or Like?
Before I get into my crazy-messed up love life, I will first make a few notes about my day:
I was AWESOME in my classes today! Well, even before my classes! I woke up late, and I didn't think I would have enough time to get my Asian Thought and Behavior essay done before calculus (after which I immediately have Asian Thought and Behavior), but I got it done! I also feel like I aced the quiz we took today in calculus, even though I didn't do any of the homework!
Then, in Asian Thought and Behavior, I was basically leading the class discussion on the Vedantic Way and the theories and metaphorical representation of the orthodox tradition within the Bhagavad Gita! I ended up posing questions for the class to discuss for over a half hour! It rocked! Every time I brought up a point, my teacher would say something similar to, "Yes! That's a great question! Well, class, what do you think?"
And then in Morality and the Law, I was also leading the class discussion on obscenity law, pornography, and feminism of the modern era. It was just a very productive day.
Tonight = homework and relaxation. No Arkadiy, no Julian, no Kyle. No Mike. Not tonight.
Also, I am not getting enough sleep. I have fallen asleep in every one of my classes today (only for just a few moments, but that's still bad).
So tonight I am going to bed early, if I can, because I need the sleep. I have my first real test in Chemistry tomorrow. Also, I am going to a party at Josh Booth's apartment tomorrow night - it's semi-formal, too! I will be dressing up for the first time in... quite a while. I am kind of excited...
And then on saturday I have another party to go to. I don't know any of the details, I am just going with Mike cause he invited me, and he said there's going to be a hot tub. How can I pass that up? :P
***
Now, on to my love life...
Alright, that settles it.
He texts me every day, all day. I am so glad I have unlimited texts. My phone goes off every other minute, it seems. And I don't mind it. It helps class pass by quickly. But it is really getting out of hand. And it can only mean one thing. The things that he says, the texts that he sends me... they all point to one thing:
Arkadiy is falling for me. Hard. It won't be long before he tells me he can't handle this non-commitment.
And I don't love him. I won't love him.
I was turned on by his confidence when we first met, and I am charmed daily by his sweetness. But I can never love him. He is not... right for me.
I am a very passionate person, I have an opinion on everything. It annoys and exasperates me to talk to someone who does not have an opinion on things that matter. Arkadiy and Matt have that in common. But at least Matt listens to me. Arkadiy just keeps saying, "I don't see why that matters."
Very frustrating.
But I think part of it is acting: he admitted to me that I make him nervous. I asked why, and he said it's probably because I am so unpredictable. I took that as a compliment, but I can't have him nervous around me all the time. I think that at least a part of his nonchalance is put on, so as to make him seem less nervous.
Matt is difficult to get along with, just like Arkadiy.
Except with Matt, is always feels like it's worth it. I would rather spend my night fighting with Matt over skype than kissing Arkadiy (or anyone that's not Matt).
Oh, and Matt - he made me so happy today.
At 3:42 this afternoon, I was just getting back to my dorm room, ready to settle in for an hour or two and just work on some homework before going to Morality and the Law.
Now, keep in mind, Arkadiy has been texting me all day. So when I got a text, I just tossed my phone on my bed while I changed into sweatpants.
Once I had my sweatpants on, I turned back to my phone and opened it up. Instead of seeing,"Arkadiy" in the sender section, it said, "Matthew Michael <3"
(because that is how his name is in my phone).
I opened the message. It had three words.
"I love you."
My heart skipped about 8 and a half beats, and I dropped to my knees in the middle of the floor in my room. It seems silly to me, now that I am writing it down. But it's true. Those three words from Matt were all it took to overwhelm me with happiness and longing.
When I regained composure, I texted him back, "awww I love you too. What was that for?"
And he replied, "Just felt like telling you."
I said, "You are the sweetest. You just made my day <3"
And he answered, "Anytime"
***
It's amazing how he can do that to me.
I have been thinking about Arkadiy non stop this week. I have been thinking about doing all sorts of things to him. I have been craving sex with him. Now, I feel completely detached. I don't want him anymore. Sure, I will still try to mess around and have a little fun, but it isn't the same. Matt is forever in my mind and my heart. And I am worried that the next time I kiss Arkadiy, I will be thinking of Matt.
That's how I know I love Matt. Arkadiy is great, but he will never mean to me what Matt means to me.
I was AWESOME in my classes today! Well, even before my classes! I woke up late, and I didn't think I would have enough time to get my Asian Thought and Behavior essay done before calculus (after which I immediately have Asian Thought and Behavior), but I got it done! I also feel like I aced the quiz we took today in calculus, even though I didn't do any of the homework!
Then, in Asian Thought and Behavior, I was basically leading the class discussion on the Vedantic Way and the theories and metaphorical representation of the orthodox tradition within the Bhagavad Gita! I ended up posing questions for the class to discuss for over a half hour! It rocked! Every time I brought up a point, my teacher would say something similar to, "Yes! That's a great question! Well, class, what do you think?"
And then in Morality and the Law, I was also leading the class discussion on obscenity law, pornography, and feminism of the modern era. It was just a very productive day.
Tonight = homework and relaxation. No Arkadiy, no Julian, no Kyle. No Mike. Not tonight.
Also, I am not getting enough sleep. I have fallen asleep in every one of my classes today (only for just a few moments, but that's still bad).
So tonight I am going to bed early, if I can, because I need the sleep. I have my first real test in Chemistry tomorrow. Also, I am going to a party at Josh Booth's apartment tomorrow night - it's semi-formal, too! I will be dressing up for the first time in... quite a while. I am kind of excited...
And then on saturday I have another party to go to. I don't know any of the details, I am just going with Mike cause he invited me, and he said there's going to be a hot tub. How can I pass that up? :P
***
Now, on to my love life...
Alright, that settles it.
He texts me every day, all day. I am so glad I have unlimited texts. My phone goes off every other minute, it seems. And I don't mind it. It helps class pass by quickly. But it is really getting out of hand. And it can only mean one thing. The things that he says, the texts that he sends me... they all point to one thing:
Arkadiy is falling for me. Hard. It won't be long before he tells me he can't handle this non-commitment.
And I don't love him. I won't love him.
I was turned on by his confidence when we first met, and I am charmed daily by his sweetness. But I can never love him. He is not... right for me.
I am a very passionate person, I have an opinion on everything. It annoys and exasperates me to talk to someone who does not have an opinion on things that matter. Arkadiy and Matt have that in common. But at least Matt listens to me. Arkadiy just keeps saying, "I don't see why that matters."
Very frustrating.
But I think part of it is acting: he admitted to me that I make him nervous. I asked why, and he said it's probably because I am so unpredictable. I took that as a compliment, but I can't have him nervous around me all the time. I think that at least a part of his nonchalance is put on, so as to make him seem less nervous.
Matt is difficult to get along with, just like Arkadiy.
Except with Matt, is always feels like it's worth it. I would rather spend my night fighting with Matt over skype than kissing Arkadiy (or anyone that's not Matt).
Oh, and Matt - he made me so happy today.
At 3:42 this afternoon, I was just getting back to my dorm room, ready to settle in for an hour or two and just work on some homework before going to Morality and the Law.
Now, keep in mind, Arkadiy has been texting me all day. So when I got a text, I just tossed my phone on my bed while I changed into sweatpants.
Once I had my sweatpants on, I turned back to my phone and opened it up. Instead of seeing,"Arkadiy" in the sender section, it said, "Matthew Michael <3"
(because that is how his name is in my phone).
I opened the message. It had three words.
"I love you."
My heart skipped about 8 and a half beats, and I dropped to my knees in the middle of the floor in my room. It seems silly to me, now that I am writing it down. But it's true. Those three words from Matt were all it took to overwhelm me with happiness and longing.
When I regained composure, I texted him back, "awww I love you too. What was that for?"
And he replied, "Just felt like telling you."
I said, "You are the sweetest. You just made my day <3"
And he answered, "Anytime"
***
It's amazing how he can do that to me.
I have been thinking about Arkadiy non stop this week. I have been thinking about doing all sorts of things to him. I have been craving sex with him. Now, I feel completely detached. I don't want him anymore. Sure, I will still try to mess around and have a little fun, but it isn't the same. Matt is forever in my mind and my heart. And I am worried that the next time I kiss Arkadiy, I will be thinking of Matt.
That's how I know I love Matt. Arkadiy is great, but he will never mean to me what Matt means to me.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Good, The Bad... and the Confused.
Monday night (September 21) - Tuesday morning (September 22):
Ok. Wow.
Last night (Monday night) was.... incredible.
Liz and I went down to the courtyard to hang with Julian, Kyle, and RKD. I brought my calculus homework with me so I could get it done while the rest played cards. Well, I did not even look at my calc (and paid for that today - got up early to work on it, then finished it in class... mine was a very rushed morning), instead I was too busy paying attention to Arkadiy. I pretended to try to learn how to play whatever game is was that he and Julian and Kyle were playing - I think it was "Bankruptcy" or something - but in actuality, I was just using that as an excuse to lean closer to Arkadiy, rest my hand on his leg, lay my head on his shoulder, etc.
Eventually I tried playing, but it just turned into Arkadiy telling me which card to play, because my head was just not in the game, and learning
It was so nice, being close to a guy, feeling the attraction... the little space left between us almost felt as if it had an electrical charge, it was exhilarating!
I longed to kiss him, but I didn't want to do that in front of everyone. That would make things very awkward.
Then, a while later, Liz and I wanted to walk around (mostly because I wanted to steal a few moments alone with Arkadiy, and I figured I would have more opportunity to do so if we were walking around the city.), but Kyle had to put his ipod speakers away (we had been using them to listen to music) in his room, so we all waited in the lobby for him. Liz brought up how Steve was texting me , and I went off on a rant about how obnoxious it was that he even thought I would be interested in him (as more than friends - this guy was annoying me through texts and facebook) I said something similar to, "How could someone who's unattractive, overweight, and annoying - not to mention he's 23 and an RA! - think I would be interested in him?!"
And, somehow... he happened to be walking by just when I said it.
I can not be positive, but I am 99.99999999% sure he heard what I said. I almost cried I felt so guilty and terrible.
Arkadiy and Julian started laughing their asses off, not realizing how upset I was. Liz grabbed me and pulled me over to a wall so I could lean and hide my face in shame. I have not felt lower than that before in my life. I wanted to curl up and die. And at the time I felt that that was a worthy death.
Well, when Arkadiy realized how upset I was, he grabbed me tightly. Now, keep in mind, the most we had touched was a hug goodbye. He held me to him so close that - I feel so selfish and egocentric for this - for an instant, I completely forgot why I was upset in the first place! I quickly remembered, but I could no longer feel so terrible. Not with his arms around me. After that, for the rest of the night, he told me jokes and teased me to keep me smiling. He also never let go of my hand.
***
I wish I could tell Matt this:
"If you had any reason to feel threatened - which you shouldn't - this could be the only reason:
It's not that Arkadiy is with me in person, and can touch me and "fulfill my physical needs", as you once said to me. No, it's more than that. Arkadiy fulfills my emotional needs - he tells me how he's feeling, what he's feeling, and without any provocation at all. This is my biggest problem with you. You never open up to me, never tell me how you're truly feeling - at least, not unless I bug you to or get angry at you first."
***
Anyway,
After a while, Liz decided she was going to go to bed. So we walked her back to the dorm and then Kyle, Julian, Arkadiy, and I went back to our casual meandering around the campus. Then Kyle said he was tired, too. We walked him back to the dorm. It was down to Julian, Arkadiy, and I. I took us to the roof on Anderson Hall. It is open up there, 2 stories up. There's a raised patch of grass, probably a square of about 40ft on each side, with a 2 foot thick perimeter of concrete, where people tend to chill at all times of day. We were there around 1:30 AM. The grassy patch was empty, so we claimed it. We were talking for a while, then I felt really tired (having only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before) and I laid down in the grass and dozed a bit. I woke up with Arkadiy's hoodie over me. He said I looked cold.
A short while later, I had gotten up and sat next to Julian on the perimeter of the grassy patch, and Arkadiy had laid down on the grass, propped up on his elbows.
Julian got up and walked away for a moment, and I saw an slim opportunity. I grabbed Arkadiy and kissed him. It would have been a perfect plan, except that I hadn't expected the kiss to be so good... I couldn't pull myself away from him.
Julian had already come back over and sat down again, staring in disbelief or surprise (I don't know which), by the time I released Arkadiy.
He laid all the way down on his back and just stared up at the night sky, smiling broadly.
I sat back down and sputtered out an apology to Julian. Then I changed the subject.
This just seemed like appropriate placing for this photo. haha
Later, the three of us went up to Arkadiy's dorm room, to print homework out for Julian. Then Julian had to drop the homework in his room, and Arkadiy took advantage of the moment alone in the hallway by pushing me up against the wall and kissing me slowly. It was perfect. When I asked him later why he did it, he said, "Your eyes told me you wanted it."
Later, the three of us were sitting in the "Alumni Circle", and I laid down and rested my head in Arkadiy's lap. I ended up falling asleep! I was so embarrassed that I said I was really tired and that I had to go back to my dorm right away. They walked me back, and then I went to bed.
***
Tuesday night (September 22) - Wednesday morning (September 23):
Went out with Arkadiy again tonight. We met up and chilled in the grass on top of Anderson again, except this time, without Julian. It was great. We talked and cuddled for at least 2 hours. Then we walked around the city for a while, just talking... and he would randomly stop and grab me and kiss me. He somehow always does exactly what I want and need, exactly when I want it - without ever being told!
He made me feel so good about myself:
He kept saying that I am the best kisser, and that I am beautiful, and so great.
We ended up sitting down in a secluded area, talking and kissing and cuddling. He talked about how his ex girlfriend apparently lied to him about doing drugs, and he asked me about Matt.
He actually got me to thinking about a lot of things.
I am not wondering about a whole slew of questions...
...the most prevalent being, "What am I going to do if I fall for Arkadiy?"
I love Matt. We even skyped tonight before I finished this post.
I have to say...
if given the choice...
I would still choose Matt. But right now, no one is forcing me to choose.
And when it comes down to it... the only situation in which I would have to choose would be if Arkadiy and I got into a serious, legitimate relationship.
And I don't think I can do that. I love Matt.
But what happens when I start loving Arkadiy too?
Ok. Wow.
Last night (Monday night) was.... incredible.
Liz and I went down to the courtyard to hang with Julian, Kyle, and RKD. I brought my calculus homework with me so I could get it done while the rest played cards. Well, I did not even look at my calc (and paid for that today - got up early to work on it, then finished it in class... mine was a very rushed morning), instead I was too busy paying attention to Arkadiy. I pretended to try to learn how to play whatever game is was that he and Julian and Kyle were playing - I think it was "Bankruptcy" or something - but in actuality, I was just using that as an excuse to lean closer to Arkadiy, rest my hand on his leg, lay my head on his shoulder, etc.
Eventually I tried playing, but it just turned into Arkadiy telling me which card to play, because my head was just not in the game, and learning
It was so nice, being close to a guy, feeling the attraction... the little space left between us almost felt as if it had an electrical charge, it was exhilarating!
I longed to kiss him, but I didn't want to do that in front of everyone. That would make things very awkward.
Then, a while later, Liz and I wanted to walk around (mostly because I wanted to steal a few moments alone with Arkadiy, and I figured I would have more opportunity to do so if we were walking around the city.), but Kyle had to put his ipod speakers away (we had been using them to listen to music) in his room, so we all waited in the lobby for him. Liz brought up how Steve was texting me , and I went off on a rant about how obnoxious it was that he even thought I would be interested in him (as more than friends - this guy was annoying me through texts and facebook) I said something similar to, "How could someone who's unattractive, overweight, and annoying - not to mention he's 23 and an RA! - think I would be interested in him?!"
And, somehow... he happened to be walking by just when I said it.
I can not be positive, but I am 99.99999999% sure he heard what I said. I almost cried I felt so guilty and terrible.
Arkadiy and Julian started laughing their asses off, not realizing how upset I was. Liz grabbed me and pulled me over to a wall so I could lean and hide my face in shame. I have not felt lower than that before in my life. I wanted to curl up and die. And at the time I felt that that was a worthy death.
Well, when Arkadiy realized how upset I was, he grabbed me tightly. Now, keep in mind, the most we had touched was a hug goodbye. He held me to him so close that - I feel so selfish and egocentric for this - for an instant, I completely forgot why I was upset in the first place! I quickly remembered, but I could no longer feel so terrible. Not with his arms around me. After that, for the rest of the night, he told me jokes and teased me to keep me smiling. He also never let go of my hand.
***
I wish I could tell Matt this:
"If you had any reason to feel threatened - which you shouldn't - this could be the only reason:
It's not that Arkadiy is with me in person, and can touch me and "fulfill my physical needs", as you once said to me. No, it's more than that. Arkadiy fulfills my emotional needs - he tells me how he's feeling, what he's feeling, and without any provocation at all. This is my biggest problem with you. You never open up to me, never tell me how you're truly feeling - at least, not unless I bug you to or get angry at you first."
***
Anyway,
After a while, Liz decided she was going to go to bed. So we walked her back to the dorm and then Kyle, Julian, Arkadiy, and I went back to our casual meandering around the campus. Then Kyle said he was tired, too. We walked him back to the dorm. It was down to Julian, Arkadiy, and I. I took us to the roof on Anderson Hall. It is open up there, 2 stories up. There's a raised patch of grass, probably a square of about 40ft on each side, with a 2 foot thick perimeter of concrete, where people tend to chill at all times of day. We were there around 1:30 AM. The grassy patch was empty, so we claimed it. We were talking for a while, then I felt really tired (having only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before) and I laid down in the grass and dozed a bit. I woke up with Arkadiy's hoodie over me. He said I looked cold.
A short while later, I had gotten up and sat next to Julian on the perimeter of the grassy patch, and Arkadiy had laid down on the grass, propped up on his elbows.
Julian got up and walked away for a moment, and I saw an slim opportunity. I grabbed Arkadiy and kissed him. It would have been a perfect plan, except that I hadn't expected the kiss to be so good... I couldn't pull myself away from him.
Julian had already come back over and sat down again, staring in disbelief or surprise (I don't know which), by the time I released Arkadiy.
He laid all the way down on his back and just stared up at the night sky, smiling broadly.
I sat back down and sputtered out an apology to Julian. Then I changed the subject.
This just seemed like appropriate placing for this photo. haha
Later, the three of us went up to Arkadiy's dorm room, to print homework out for Julian. Then Julian had to drop the homework in his room, and Arkadiy took advantage of the moment alone in the hallway by pushing me up against the wall and kissing me slowly. It was perfect. When I asked him later why he did it, he said, "Your eyes told me you wanted it."
Later, the three of us were sitting in the "Alumni Circle", and I laid down and rested my head in Arkadiy's lap. I ended up falling asleep! I was so embarrassed that I said I was really tired and that I had to go back to my dorm right away. They walked me back, and then I went to bed.
***
Tuesday night (September 22) - Wednesday morning (September 23):
Went out with Arkadiy again tonight. We met up and chilled in the grass on top of Anderson again, except this time, without Julian. It was great. We talked and cuddled for at least 2 hours. Then we walked around the city for a while, just talking... and he would randomly stop and grab me and kiss me. He somehow always does exactly what I want and need, exactly when I want it - without ever being told!
He made me feel so good about myself:
He kept saying that I am the best kisser, and that I am beautiful, and so great.
We ended up sitting down in a secluded area, talking and kissing and cuddling. He talked about how his ex girlfriend apparently lied to him about doing drugs, and he asked me about Matt.
He actually got me to thinking about a lot of things.
I am not wondering about a whole slew of questions...
...the most prevalent being, "What am I going to do if I fall for Arkadiy?"
I love Matt. We even skyped tonight before I finished this post.
I have to say...
if given the choice...
I would still choose Matt. But right now, no one is forcing me to choose.
And when it comes down to it... the only situation in which I would have to choose would be if Arkadiy and I got into a serious, legitimate relationship.
And I don't think I can do that. I love Matt.
But what happens when I start loving Arkadiy too?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Camtech and Arkadiy
I really shouldn't be adding another entry... but I just have to.
So, really quick, and then I will get back to my work....
I've been talking to Camtech, a fellow snig, and last night we skyped until 6AM!
(well, it was only 3AM for him, time zones and whatnot.)
He's really cool, and he also read my blog apparently.
I'm glad we started talking, because I feel like he actually listens to me. More than most people listen to each other. It's a rare and valuable personality trait.
And tonight... I am trying to get my work done. But it's such a pain. I'm so lazy.
Ehhh whatever.
Arkadiy texted me, and so I took a short study break to play cards in the courtyard with him, Julian, and Kyle (and Liz came too, of course).
Well...
I really wanted to kiss him.
But I wasn't going to do that in front of his (and my) friends. So I controlled myself. It was torture, though.
And now he's calling this our little "no strings attached relationship thing". Which, I am surprisingly comfortable with.
But he says he's worried that he will get too attached, and then get hurt.
Keep in mind that we haven't even kissed yet.
Oh, but I want to so badly!
...Tomorrow is another day...
So, really quick, and then I will get back to my work....
I've been talking to Camtech, a fellow snig, and last night we skyped until 6AM!
(well, it was only 3AM for him, time zones and whatnot.)
He's really cool, and he also read my blog apparently.
I'm glad we started talking, because I feel like he actually listens to me. More than most people listen to each other. It's a rare and valuable personality trait.
And tonight... I am trying to get my work done. But it's such a pain. I'm so lazy.
Ehhh whatever.
Arkadiy texted me, and so I took a short study break to play cards in the courtyard with him, Julian, and Kyle (and Liz came too, of course).
Well...
I really wanted to kiss him.
But I wasn't going to do that in front of his (and my) friends. So I controlled myself. It was torture, though.
And now he's calling this our little "no strings attached relationship thing". Which, I am surprisingly comfortable with.
But he says he's worried that he will get too attached, and then get hurt.
Keep in mind that we haven't even kissed yet.
Oh, but I want to so badly!
...Tomorrow is another day...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Wow. So maybe I do have a little pull in this 'relationship' -thing after all...
Hmmm...
[3:59:14 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey. Can't talk long. Just FYI
[3:59:22 AM] Zachariah: ah
[3:59:24 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm out of it
[3:59:25 AM] Zachariah: you don't have to talk at all. go to bed, honey
[3:59:34 AM] Matthew Michael: I was just finishing up some homework
[3:59:36 AM] Matthew Michael: Bah. I'll talk. What's on your mind?
[3:59:48 AM] Zachariah: not much. homework is a bitch
[4:11:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[4:11:57 AM] Matthew Michael: homework
[4:12:01 AM] Matthew Michael: It's ridiculous
[4:12:03 AM] Zachariah: it is!!
[4:12:05 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sick of it
[4:12:06 AM] Zachariah: me too!
[4:12:09 AM] Zachariah: let's run away!
[4:12:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Deal
[4:12:58 AM] Matthew Michael: I'll pick you up tomorrow
[4:13:04 AM] Zachariah: alrighty. i will pack my things.
[4:13:16 AM] Matthew Michael: Wait. I'm out of gas. Dang. We'll have to postpone it
[4:13:33 AM] Zachariah: oh don't let that stop us!! sell your body for money!
[4:14:17 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright. I'll get right on that
[4:14:27 AM] Zachariah: now that that's settled. where shall we go? i was thinking Miami
[4:14:40 AM] Matthew Michael: Good
***
[4:14:41 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey
[4:14:44 AM] Zachariah: bed time?
[4:14:47 AM] Matthew Michael: It's like, 3:20 here. I need sleep
[4:14:49 AM] Zachariah: ok
[4:14:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[4:14:56 AM] Matthew Michael: Nighty night
[4:14:58 AM] Matthew Michael: We'll talk later
[4:15:02 AM] Zachariah: maybe
[4:15:03 AM] Zachariah: night
[4:15:08 AM] Matthew Michael: P.S. Love you
[4:15:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Wait. What?
[4:15:12 AM] Zachariah: love you too
[4:15:13 AM] Matthew Michael: We will talk later
[4:15:15 AM] Matthew Michael: WTF? What?
[4:15:24 AM] Matthew Michael: You said, 'we'll see'. Like... You won't
[4:15:29 AM] Zachariah: lol i said "maybe"
[4:15:31 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm confused
[4:15:34 AM] Zachariah: relax honey
[4:15:36 AM] Matthew Michael: Whatever
[4:15:38 AM] Zachariah: Matt
[4:15:39 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm out of my mind. Night. Wuv you.
[4:15:48 AM] Zachariah: I love you. we will talk later. ok?
[4:15:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright. Gooooods
[4:15:55 AM] Zachariah: goodnight
[4:15:56 AM] Matthew Michael: Later
[4:15:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Night
[4:15:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Love you too
***
I made him.... idk, nervous? angry? bewildered? something. He was worried, I think, that I was choosing not to talk to him. Awesome.
I actually convinced him that I was nonchalant. I guess it's not as hard as it seems. ^.^
[3:59:14 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey. Can't talk long. Just FYI
[3:59:22 AM] Zachariah: ah
[3:59:24 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm out of it
[3:59:25 AM] Zachariah: you don't have to talk at all. go to bed, honey
[3:59:34 AM] Matthew Michael: I was just finishing up some homework
[3:59:36 AM] Matthew Michael: Bah. I'll talk. What's on your mind?
[3:59:48 AM] Zachariah: not much. homework is a bitch
[4:11:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[4:11:57 AM] Matthew Michael: homework
[4:12:01 AM] Matthew Michael: It's ridiculous
[4:12:03 AM] Zachariah: it is!!
[4:12:05 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sick of it
[4:12:06 AM] Zachariah: me too!
[4:12:09 AM] Zachariah: let's run away!
[4:12:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Deal
[4:12:58 AM] Matthew Michael: I'll pick you up tomorrow
[4:13:04 AM] Zachariah: alrighty. i will pack my things.
[4:13:16 AM] Matthew Michael: Wait. I'm out of gas. Dang. We'll have to postpone it
[4:13:33 AM] Zachariah: oh don't let that stop us!! sell your body for money!
[4:14:17 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright. I'll get right on that
[4:14:27 AM] Zachariah: now that that's settled. where shall we go? i was thinking Miami
[4:14:40 AM] Matthew Michael: Good
***
[4:14:41 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey
[4:14:44 AM] Zachariah: bed time?
[4:14:47 AM] Matthew Michael: It's like, 3:20 here. I need sleep
[4:14:49 AM] Zachariah: ok
[4:14:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[4:14:56 AM] Matthew Michael: Nighty night
[4:14:58 AM] Matthew Michael: We'll talk later
[4:15:02 AM] Zachariah: maybe
[4:15:03 AM] Zachariah: night
[4:15:08 AM] Matthew Michael: P.S. Love you
[4:15:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Wait. What?
[4:15:12 AM] Zachariah: love you too
[4:15:13 AM] Matthew Michael: We will talk later
[4:15:15 AM] Matthew Michael: WTF? What?
[4:15:24 AM] Matthew Michael: You said, 'we'll see'. Like... You won't
[4:15:29 AM] Zachariah: lol i said "maybe"
[4:15:31 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm confused
[4:15:34 AM] Zachariah: relax honey
[4:15:36 AM] Matthew Michael: Whatever
[4:15:38 AM] Zachariah: Matt
[4:15:39 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm out of my mind. Night. Wuv you.
[4:15:48 AM] Zachariah: I love you. we will talk later. ok?
[4:15:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright. Gooooods
[4:15:55 AM] Zachariah: goodnight
[4:15:56 AM] Matthew Michael: Later
[4:15:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Night
[4:15:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Love you too
***
I made him.... idk, nervous? angry? bewildered? something. He was worried, I think, that I was choosing not to talk to him. Awesome.
I actually convinced him that I was nonchalant. I guess it's not as hard as it seems. ^.^
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Homework.
All day...(well, starting when i woke up - which was around 2:30pm)
I have been working on homework.
There's a bumpin party going on at Josh Booth's apartment right now. He invited me. I was going to take Mike (he offered to be my... escort. lol). I told Mike I have too much work to go to a party tonight. So Mike went to a party that he was invited to. He later texted me - it turns out that they were the same party - Josh's roommate was Mike's friend. Small world.
So, yeah. Mike is out partying right now. I am so jealous.
He said he might stumble by here sometime tonight, though.
We'll see if he can handle himself. I've seen him drunk before.
XD
***
I'm so sick of men. I'm sick of the flirting. I'm sick of the inuendo. I'm sick of the obsessive texting (thank god I have an unlimited plan - they won't leave me alone!!), I'm sick of the ulterior motives, and I'm sick of the expectations.
I miss the best friend who never had sex with me, but slept with me every time something went wrong in our lives.
I miss Cherie.
***
On a side note, I had a fantastic conversation with Matt last night. We laughed, we fought, we got past it. The fight was stupid anyway - it was about his freakin last name. He freaks out everytime I even hint at it. I've never told anyone, just like I promised him. But he still freaks out. So I am trying to accept that as just one of his neuroses.
I love him so much. Also, he said he has unlimited texting on his cell phone plan now. I must resist the urge to text him every minute of the day!!
*I'm doing good so far. Have not texted him once since last night.*
I have been working on homework.
There's a bumpin party going on at Josh Booth's apartment right now. He invited me. I was going to take Mike (he offered to be my... escort. lol). I told Mike I have too much work to go to a party tonight. So Mike went to a party that he was invited to. He later texted me - it turns out that they were the same party - Josh's roommate was Mike's friend. Small world.
So, yeah. Mike is out partying right now. I am so jealous.
He said he might stumble by here sometime tonight, though.
We'll see if he can handle himself. I've seen him drunk before.
XD
***
I'm so sick of men. I'm sick of the flirting. I'm sick of the inuendo. I'm sick of the obsessive texting (thank god I have an unlimited plan - they won't leave me alone!!), I'm sick of the ulterior motives, and I'm sick of the expectations.
I miss the best friend who never had sex with me, but slept with me every time something went wrong in our lives.
I miss Cherie.
***
On a side note, I had a fantastic conversation with Matt last night. We laughed, we fought, we got past it. The fight was stupid anyway - it was about his freakin last name. He freaks out everytime I even hint at it. I've never told anyone, just like I promised him. But he still freaks out. So I am trying to accept that as just one of his neuroses.
I love him so much. Also, he said he has unlimited texting on his cell phone plan now. I must resist the urge to text him every minute of the day!!
*I'm doing good so far. Have not texted him once since last night.*
Erm... oh.
Arkadiy broke up with his girlfriend.
And now... he basically thinks that means he and I are hooking up.
And I think I might want to.
But I know that I will be thinking about Matt.
I hope I don't accidentally call him Matt. That would be terrible.
***
Talked with Mike about Arkadiy a bit, too.
Mike's wednesdaythursdaysunday. Don't ask.
8:54 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: You are a magnet for males, are you not?
8:54 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: i suppose.
8:54 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: thanks? i think...
8:54 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I mean.
8:54 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I've heard more stories about people falling in Love with you than any other person Ive met.
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: oh
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: heh
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: idk what i did wrong
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: That
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: That's the thing
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: You've just been yourself
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: oh
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: :)
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: you make me happy
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I try.
I wish I could make him happy. But I know our friendship only hurts him.
It's terrible.
***
Skyped with Matt tonight. It was a really nice conversation.
I love him.
So much.
I'm happy tonight. Very happy. I actually shouldn't be this happy, but I think I am because
A) Arkadiy was flattering me all day, texting me like crazy.
B) Matt was very attentive and loving tonight during our conversation.
C) It's the fucking weekend, baby!!
^_^
And now... he basically thinks that means he and I are hooking up.
And I think I might want to.
But I know that I will be thinking about Matt.
I hope I don't accidentally call him Matt. That would be terrible.
***
Talked with Mike about Arkadiy a bit, too.
Mike's wednesdaythursdaysunday. Don't ask.
8:54 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: You are a magnet for males, are you not?
8:54 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: i suppose.
8:54 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: thanks? i think...
8:54 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I mean.
8:54 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I've heard more stories about people falling in Love with you than any other person Ive met.
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: oh
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: heh
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: idk what i did wrong
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: That
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: That's the thing
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: You've just been yourself
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: oh
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: :)
8:55 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: you make me happy
8:55 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I try.
I wish I could make him happy. But I know our friendship only hurts him.
It's terrible.
***
Skyped with Matt tonight. It was a really nice conversation.
I love him.
So much.
I'm happy tonight. Very happy. I actually shouldn't be this happy, but I think I am because
A) Arkadiy was flattering me all day, texting me like crazy.
B) Matt was very attentive and loving tonight during our conversation.
C) It's the fucking weekend, baby!!
^_^
Friday, September 18, 2009
RKD
That's his nickname. RKD, because that's how his name is pronounced.
Well, today was alright - I did great in my acting class: our assignment was to mimick someone we observed previously.
I used both Matt, and a compilation of other guys - my brother, Mike, and some guys I didn't know, but did observe.
It went swimmingly. I was pretending to text someone a lot, and my teacher wanted us to have background for our characters, so he asked me who I was texting. I said, "My girlfriend. She's in connecticut. We are still together, even though we are so far away."
I didn't even mean to do it, but I basically said what I have been wishing Matt would say about me. I have been wishing he would just call me his girlfriend, and ask me to be only his, and promise himself to me. I have been wishing for commitment, for exclusivity.
That's something I never thought I would say, but it's true. I have been yearning for his full attention and fidelity from the very beginning. I hate that I am just one small part of his life, and that he keeps insisting that we both mess around while we are at college. I would be willing to make him my everything, but he apparently doesn't want that.
Anyway, after acting, I grabbed some breakfast with Liz, then took a quick nap, than dashed off to chemistry.
Arkadiy texted me non stop throughout my whole chem class, and then asked if I would like to hang out.
I had already made plans with Mike, so I turned him down.
Mike and I grabbed lunch, then I told him I was going to go nap. I didn't. I texted RKD and asked if he wanted to chill before his class. He did. So we hung out for about half and hour.
It was nice - he's actually nerdier during the day apparently: he was wearing glasses and he was much shyer than he was last night - call me crazy, but I found it even more endearing. He's adorable. Liz is still asking about me and him - all her texts say, "he's so HOTTTT!!!"
haha
Anyway, this could be trouble. He really likes me.
He flirted like crazy today. When I was leaving, he held me for longer than a friend normally hugs another friend (just like last night). And now he is still texting me non stop. I don't mind it, but all I am wondering is: where is his girlfriend? Why doesn't he text her instead of me? What does he think this will lead to?
I won't be "the other woman" (I won't help him cheat on his girlfriend)
and I wouldn't expect him to break up with her.
***
But what if he does? What if he dumps his girlfriend because he is that interested in me?
I can't give him a relationship.
I won't give him a relationship.
I love Matt.
...but it's so nice to have someone who:
A)texts me non stop, sending sweet messages that make me smile.
B) can always be here, touching me, holding me
C) always wants to be with me, holding me.
Being with him reminds me of all the shortcomings of my "relationship" with Matt.
A)Matt tells me not to text him.
B)Matt is never online, and even when we do talk on skype, he gives me time limits - "You've only got about 15 minutes, then I'm getting off skype." - as if he's doing me a favor by talking to me!!
C)Matt never says anything sweet or loving without being asked.
D)Matt can't touch me.
***
I almost wish I could tell Matt about Arkadiy, and see how he reacts. I want to remind Matt that I am desirable, and that I can lose interest too. I want to remind him that he needs to put in the effort if he wants me.
This is bad. I'm confused.
***
I feel so juvenile to go through a 'he said, she said'...
But it's the easiest way to convey this story.
(keep in mind, RKD is texting me throughout this whole text-convo with Matt)
Just to be a bitch, I texted Matt:
"Hypothetically, how mad would you be if I fell in love?"
(it was exactly the question, verbatim, that he had asked the night that we fought. It was the last straw, the one question that made me flip out.)
His first answer was,
"Haha is this the part where I'm supposed to freak out?"
I said,
"Well, yeah, it was a joke. But seriously, how mad?"
And he said,
"I wouldn't mind at all, as long as we could still talk. I always assumed this would eventually happen. Who's the lucky guy?"
*I was dumbfounded. Wow. He assumed that this would eventually happen?*
So I texted him back with,
"haha...
no.
seriously? you expected me to fall for someone else? do you expect to fall for someone else?
...and anyway, what good would it do to tell you his name? You still wouldn't know who he is."
His response was 4 messages long:
"I figured you would grow tired of me and find someone else. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I can't really expect that you would really be that tied to someone who can't even fulfill the simplest task of touching you. Eventually I figured your sexual needs would win out, and you would find someone to help you 'blow off steam.' Statistically, you're bound to fall for one of them. It sucks, but it's the most logical thing to happen, not to sound cold. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I do care for you, I just figured you would find someone with a little more physical substance."
I answered him,
"matt. I met someone who makes me smile, and yeah, he can touch me. but I LOVE YOU. I don't love him. I just wanted to know how you would respond when asked that question.
And by the way, do you "care for" me, or love me?
and you didn't say whether or not you are looking to fall in love in mississippi."
and his response:
"CLICHE ALERT- I'm not looking for love, but I wasn't looking for love when I found you. WHOA! That's right, I went there."
I said something similar to,
"But what you're saying depends upon sex and love being intertwined. I can mess around meaninglessly, can't I?"
He said, "Emotions will ultimately get involved."
I asked if he would fall for someone else. He said, "Probably, if I was with the same girl for long enough,"
I got really upset after hearing that. I said, "I'm going to go cry now."
He said, "Please don't. Trust me, right now, there isn't a single girl around me that I am even remotely interested in."
I felt better. The conversation continued, Matt told me I could hook up with Arkadiy if I want to. I said that I know I can. But I could never fall for him. I told Matt specifically that, "He's no you."
(talk about cliches)
It's true. No matter how much fun I have with Arkadiy, I can't fall for him. I told him that..
Well, today was alright - I did great in my acting class: our assignment was to mimick someone we observed previously.
I used both Matt, and a compilation of other guys - my brother, Mike, and some guys I didn't know, but did observe.
It went swimmingly. I was pretending to text someone a lot, and my teacher wanted us to have background for our characters, so he asked me who I was texting. I said, "My girlfriend. She's in connecticut. We are still together, even though we are so far away."
I didn't even mean to do it, but I basically said what I have been wishing Matt would say about me. I have been wishing he would just call me his girlfriend, and ask me to be only his, and promise himself to me. I have been wishing for commitment, for exclusivity.
That's something I never thought I would say, but it's true. I have been yearning for his full attention and fidelity from the very beginning. I hate that I am just one small part of his life, and that he keeps insisting that we both mess around while we are at college. I would be willing to make him my everything, but he apparently doesn't want that.
Anyway, after acting, I grabbed some breakfast with Liz, then took a quick nap, than dashed off to chemistry.
Arkadiy texted me non stop throughout my whole chem class, and then asked if I would like to hang out.
I had already made plans with Mike, so I turned him down.
Mike and I grabbed lunch, then I told him I was going to go nap. I didn't. I texted RKD and asked if he wanted to chill before his class. He did. So we hung out for about half and hour.
It was nice - he's actually nerdier during the day apparently: he was wearing glasses and he was much shyer than he was last night - call me crazy, but I found it even more endearing. He's adorable. Liz is still asking about me and him - all her texts say, "he's so HOTTTT!!!"
haha
Anyway, this could be trouble. He really likes me.
He flirted like crazy today. When I was leaving, he held me for longer than a friend normally hugs another friend (just like last night). And now he is still texting me non stop. I don't mind it, but all I am wondering is: where is his girlfriend? Why doesn't he text her instead of me? What does he think this will lead to?
I won't be "the other woman" (I won't help him cheat on his girlfriend)
and I wouldn't expect him to break up with her.
***
But what if he does? What if he dumps his girlfriend because he is that interested in me?
I can't give him a relationship.
I won't give him a relationship.
I love Matt.
...but it's so nice to have someone who:
A)texts me non stop, sending sweet messages that make me smile.
B) can always be here, touching me, holding me
C) always wants to be with me, holding me.
Being with him reminds me of all the shortcomings of my "relationship" with Matt.
A)Matt tells me not to text him.
B)Matt is never online, and even when we do talk on skype, he gives me time limits - "You've only got about 15 minutes, then I'm getting off skype." - as if he's doing me a favor by talking to me!!
C)Matt never says anything sweet or loving without being asked.
D)Matt can't touch me.
***
I almost wish I could tell Matt about Arkadiy, and see how he reacts. I want to remind Matt that I am desirable, and that I can lose interest too. I want to remind him that he needs to put in the effort if he wants me.
This is bad. I'm confused.
***
I feel so juvenile to go through a 'he said, she said'...
But it's the easiest way to convey this story.
(keep in mind, RKD is texting me throughout this whole text-convo with Matt)
Just to be a bitch, I texted Matt:
"Hypothetically, how mad would you be if I fell in love?"
(it was exactly the question, verbatim, that he had asked the night that we fought. It was the last straw, the one question that made me flip out.)
His first answer was,
"Haha is this the part where I'm supposed to freak out?"
I said,
"Well, yeah, it was a joke. But seriously, how mad?"
And he said,
"I wouldn't mind at all, as long as we could still talk. I always assumed this would eventually happen. Who's the lucky guy?"
*I was dumbfounded. Wow. He assumed that this would eventually happen?*
So I texted him back with,
"haha...
no.
seriously? you expected me to fall for someone else? do you expect to fall for someone else?
...and anyway, what good would it do to tell you his name? You still wouldn't know who he is."
His response was 4 messages long:
"I figured you would grow tired of me and find someone else. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I can't really expect that you would really be that tied to someone who can't even fulfill the simplest task of touching you. Eventually I figured your sexual needs would win out, and you would find someone to help you 'blow off steam.' Statistically, you're bound to fall for one of them. It sucks, but it's the most logical thing to happen, not to sound cold. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I do care for you, I just figured you would find someone with a little more physical substance."
I answered him,
"matt. I met someone who makes me smile, and yeah, he can touch me. but I LOVE YOU. I don't love him. I just wanted to know how you would respond when asked that question.
And by the way, do you "care for" me, or love me?
and you didn't say whether or not you are looking to fall in love in mississippi."
and his response:
"CLICHE ALERT- I'm not looking for love, but I wasn't looking for love when I found you. WHOA! That's right, I went there."
I said something similar to,
"But what you're saying depends upon sex and love being intertwined. I can mess around meaninglessly, can't I?"
He said, "Emotions will ultimately get involved."
I asked if he would fall for someone else. He said, "Probably, if I was with the same girl for long enough,"
I got really upset after hearing that. I said, "I'm going to go cry now."
He said, "Please don't. Trust me, right now, there isn't a single girl around me that I am even remotely interested in."
I felt better. The conversation continued, Matt told me I could hook up with Arkadiy if I want to. I said that I know I can. But I could never fall for him. I told Matt specifically that, "He's no you."
(talk about cliches)
It's true. No matter how much fun I have with Arkadiy, I can't fall for him. I told him that..
I... I met someone. I met someone!!!
His name is Arkadiy (pronounced "ahr-kay-dee"). He was born in Russia, then moved here when he was 5. He's adorable and he makes me laugh. I was going to give blood tonight, so my and Liz were on our way over to the room in the building where Red Cross was set up. However, we passed the courtyard, and some really attractive guys were playing catch with a football. And another group of guys were playing whiffle ball. I asked if I could join the game of catch, because I like football better than whiffle ball. Liz claimed she was no good at throwing or catching a football, so she didn't play. So that was fun.. however, I had to go give blood, so on my way out, one of the guys, Jordon, asked me my name and seemed very interested. He was tall, dark, and handsome!! He asked if I lived here (in 1300) and I told him yes.
Then I went to give blood, with Liz trailing behind me (that girl will not leave me alone for 10 seconds!!). An attendant took my pulse, and said my pulse rate was too high! I was deferred!
It must have been because I was playing catch and running around not 2 minutes before they measured my pulse... I was pissed!! This is the second time I have not been able to give blood!! Except last time my iron was too low. At least this time I didn't have to get both my fingers pricked just to find out I couldn't donate...
So Liz and I went back down to the courtyard, but the boys playing catch were gone. So I asked if I could play whiffle ball with the other group of guys. There were 4, but only one was attractive - but damn, he was VERY attractive!! He was the pitcher, and he was teasing me the whole time I was at bat. Liz just sat and did her calculus homework.
The pitcher and I flirted and joked. Then when we got bored with whiffle ball, we played catch with a football those boys also had. Then a big guy named Steve came by and we all played a short game of two hand touch. I scored a touchdown!! :P
Then we all just sat around at a picnic table and just talked. Still, this hot boy teased me. His eyes lingered on me. It was fun and flattering, and I haven't felt this way in a while. It was very refreshing...
He said his name is Arkadiy.
Then I found out he's taken. He's dating a girl. They've been dating for 2 years. Yet still he flirts with me.
Then we all wanted to go get cookies from this food truck (there's a million of them all over campus) called "Insomnia Cookies"... Arkadiy offered to buy.
We all got cookies and laughed and joked some more.
Well, then we went back to the picnic table and just picked up on our conversation where we had left off.
Liz went up to shower and go to bed.
Arkadiy wouldn't stop looking at me.
Then Arkadiy and one of the boys wanted my number. So I took Arkadiy's and I gave mine to the other boy. I couldn't spell Arkadiy's name, so he took the phone and put his name in - but this is what he entered:
"Arkadiy My Love"
I was both laughing and secretly hoping he doesn't like his girlfriend too much...
Well, when I texted him to give him my number, I wrote:
"This is Emma. Now you have my number"
And his reply was,
"Lovely :)"
I honestly don't know what to think.
When the boys were all getting up to go, Arkadiy asked if I would walk them out. So I did. Then I asked if I could get a picture of the three of us (me, Arkadiy, and the boy whose name I forgot), and when I held up the camera to take the picture, Arkadiy grabbed my hips and wrapped his arms around me.
It was amazing. It felt so good to be held, even for just a moment.
***
I am currently being texted like crazy by both Arkadiy and one of the other boys (I can't for the life of me remember his name!!)...
Arkadiy is great.
He's a real flirt, and he makes me smile.
It feels good to be interested in someone that I can physically touch, for the first time in months.
Maybe I will finally get some action in college. Who says I have to have meaningless sex?
This might actually be fun ^_^
Then I went to give blood, with Liz trailing behind me (that girl will not leave me alone for 10 seconds!!). An attendant took my pulse, and said my pulse rate was too high! I was deferred!
It must have been because I was playing catch and running around not 2 minutes before they measured my pulse... I was pissed!! This is the second time I have not been able to give blood!! Except last time my iron was too low. At least this time I didn't have to get both my fingers pricked just to find out I couldn't donate...
So Liz and I went back down to the courtyard, but the boys playing catch were gone. So I asked if I could play whiffle ball with the other group of guys. There were 4, but only one was attractive - but damn, he was VERY attractive!! He was the pitcher, and he was teasing me the whole time I was at bat. Liz just sat and did her calculus homework.
The pitcher and I flirted and joked. Then when we got bored with whiffle ball, we played catch with a football those boys also had. Then a big guy named Steve came by and we all played a short game of two hand touch. I scored a touchdown!! :P
Then we all just sat around at a picnic table and just talked. Still, this hot boy teased me. His eyes lingered on me. It was fun and flattering, and I haven't felt this way in a while. It was very refreshing...
He said his name is Arkadiy.
Then I found out he's taken. He's dating a girl. They've been dating for 2 years. Yet still he flirts with me.
Then we all wanted to go get cookies from this food truck (there's a million of them all over campus) called "Insomnia Cookies"... Arkadiy offered to buy.
We all got cookies and laughed and joked some more.
Well, then we went back to the picnic table and just picked up on our conversation where we had left off.
Liz went up to shower and go to bed.
Arkadiy wouldn't stop looking at me.
Then Arkadiy and one of the boys wanted my number. So I took Arkadiy's and I gave mine to the other boy. I couldn't spell Arkadiy's name, so he took the phone and put his name in - but this is what he entered:
"Arkadiy My Love"
I was both laughing and secretly hoping he doesn't like his girlfriend too much...
Well, when I texted him to give him my number, I wrote:
"This is Emma. Now you have my number"
And his reply was,
"Lovely :)"
I honestly don't know what to think.
When the boys were all getting up to go, Arkadiy asked if I would walk them out. So I did. Then I asked if I could get a picture of the three of us (me, Arkadiy, and the boy whose name I forgot), and when I held up the camera to take the picture, Arkadiy grabbed my hips and wrapped his arms around me.
It was amazing. It felt so good to be held, even for just a moment.
***
I am currently being texted like crazy by both Arkadiy and one of the other boys (I can't for the life of me remember his name!!)...
Arkadiy is great.
He's a real flirt, and he makes me smile.
It feels good to be interested in someone that I can physically touch, for the first time in months.
Maybe I will finally get some action in college. Who says I have to have meaningless sex?
This might actually be fun ^_^
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I wanted to add...
I wanted to add this to tonight's post, but it wouldn't really fit.
So I am giving it its very own post!!
Mike said something very sweet to me tonight:
(me=-SNiGS- Zachariah)
(Mike=WednesdayThursdaySunday)
10:26 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: i told you, im not creative
10:26 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I' m going to jump on this one before I sign off.
10:27 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: The kind of stuff that you asked me on our walks has forced me to think harder about my own emotions and motives more than anything I've been asked.
10:27 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: You're doing something right.
10:27 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: so I'm a ...what? inquisitor? philosopher?
10:28 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: All of the above?
10:28 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I dunno. But I had fun. :)
***
He made me very happy, and it was one of the highest compliments I have ever received. In my life.
That's rare.
So I am giving it its very own post!!
Mike said something very sweet to me tonight:
(me=-SNiGS- Zachariah)
(Mike=WednesdayThursdaySunday)
10:26 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: i told you, im not creative
10:26 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I' m going to jump on this one before I sign off.
10:27 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: The kind of stuff that you asked me on our walks has forced me to think harder about my own emotions and motives more than anything I've been asked.
10:27 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: You're doing something right.
10:27 PM - -SNiGS- Zachariah: so I'm a ...what? inquisitor? philosopher?
10:28 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: All of the above?
10:28 PM - WednesdayThursdaySunday: I dunno. But I had fun. :)
***
He made me very happy, and it was one of the highest compliments I have ever received. In my life.
That's rare.
He is the Song of my universe.
I am reading a book about ancient Vedic philosophy and culture, and it was explaining the idea of "Brahman" as an idea for the explanation of the universe.
Brahman is, according to the author, "...the underlying reality and root cause of all that is. ...the ultimate root of existence from which the entire universe "grows" and continues to exist.
The author explained that Vedics saw the Brahman as having two aspects - a passive, indefinable nirguna Brahman, and an active, dynamic saguna Brahman.
The author used an analogy to help illustrate the vital difference between the two aspects, and their essential unity:
"Imagine yourself lying peacefully in some serene place, perhaps a quiet, grassy spot on a warm summer day. Your eyes are closed and you're not really thinking about much of anything, just enjoying the moment, enjoying your fact of existence. Suddenly and spontaneously you break out in song. After a while the song dies out, and you drift back into simply enjoying the moment."
The quiet, passive you is like nirguna Brahman, and the song is like saguna Brahman. You and the song are the same entity, for the song came from your mouth, your heart, your soul. So these two aspects are of one entity. Thus is Brahman explained.
***
Anyway, my whole point is just this:
Brahman is the song of the universe.
And when I read about it, all I could think was,
Matt is the song of my universe.
anyway, I texted Matt around 11, saying, "If you want to finish this [in reference to our fight], get your ass on skype asap. I won't wait up for you. Not tonight."
He immediately texted me back, saying, "I'll be on in a few"
And almost the first thing he said on skype was, "I'm sorry"
We talked for hours. It's 2:53AM right now, and we just stopped talking.
I am overjoyed and relieved and so happy.
some notable excerpts:
[1:53:30 AM] Zachariah: i love you so much
[1:53:33 AM] Matthew Michael: I love you too
[1:53:39 AM] Matthew Michael: I need to touch you
[1:53:41 AM] Matthew Michael: No joke
[1:53:49 AM] Matthew Michael: This is going to happen
[1:53:52 AM] Matthew Michael: It will
[1:53:59 AM] Zachariah: i trust you
[1:54:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn right
[1:54:42 AM] Zachariah: what would you do if we could be alone together for only one hour
[1:54:50 AM] Zachariah: and then not see each other again for a year?
[1:55:12 AM] Matthew Michael: I would do everything I could imagine
[1:55:16 AM] Matthew Michael: Plus more
[1:55:20 AM] Zachariah: no you have to elaborate
[1:55:23 AM] Matthew Michael: Well
[1:55:28 AM] Matthew Michael: I would pull you close...
[1:55:30 AM] Matthew Michael: And kiss you hard
***
[2:04:34 AM] Zachariah: if you kiss me well, i will still bite you.
[2:04:37 AM] Zachariah: but in a good way
[2:04:48 AM] Matthew Michael: Rawr
[2:04:54 AM] Matthew Michael: It's on
[2:04:57 AM] Zachariah: *not joking*
[2:05:03 AM] Matthew Michael: Neither am I
[2:05:09 AM] Zachariah: i want you so bad
[2:05:54 AM] Matthew Michael: I want you too
[2:06:27 AM] Zachariah: i just don't want you to be disappointed.
[2:07:05 AM] Matthew Michael: I won't be
[2:07:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
***
I love him. And when I told him that the fighting and anger come with the package, and that if he can't handle that or doesn't want to put up with it, he should just walk away now...
...he looked at me, cracked a smile, and said, "You're not getting rid of me that easily. I am too involved with you to walk away from this now."
***
I felt like I would burst with happiness when he said that.
All is well in my mind... except I haven't done any of my homework.
Oh well. Matt is still in my life. Homework is salvageable. Losing him is not.
Goodnight.
I need to sleep now so I can get up early and get some of my homework done before my classes.
Brahman is, according to the author, "...the underlying reality and root cause of all that is. ...the ultimate root of existence from which the entire universe "grows" and continues to exist.
The author explained that Vedics saw the Brahman as having two aspects - a passive, indefinable nirguna Brahman, and an active, dynamic saguna Brahman.
The author used an analogy to help illustrate the vital difference between the two aspects, and their essential unity:
"Imagine yourself lying peacefully in some serene place, perhaps a quiet, grassy spot on a warm summer day. Your eyes are closed and you're not really thinking about much of anything, just enjoying the moment, enjoying your fact of existence. Suddenly and spontaneously you break out in song. After a while the song dies out, and you drift back into simply enjoying the moment."
The quiet, passive you is like nirguna Brahman, and the song is like saguna Brahman. You and the song are the same entity, for the song came from your mouth, your heart, your soul. So these two aspects are of one entity. Thus is Brahman explained.
***
Anyway, my whole point is just this:
Brahman is the song of the universe.
And when I read about it, all I could think was,
Matt is the song of my universe.
anyway, I texted Matt around 11, saying, "If you want to finish this [in reference to our fight], get your ass on skype asap. I won't wait up for you. Not tonight."
He immediately texted me back, saying, "I'll be on in a few"
And almost the first thing he said on skype was, "I'm sorry"
We talked for hours. It's 2:53AM right now, and we just stopped talking.
I am overjoyed and relieved and so happy.
some notable excerpts:
[1:53:30 AM] Zachariah: i love you so much
[1:53:33 AM] Matthew Michael: I love you too
[1:53:39 AM] Matthew Michael: I need to touch you
[1:53:41 AM] Matthew Michael: No joke
[1:53:49 AM] Matthew Michael: This is going to happen
[1:53:52 AM] Matthew Michael: It will
[1:53:59 AM] Zachariah: i trust you
[1:54:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn right
[1:54:42 AM] Zachariah: what would you do if we could be alone together for only one hour
[1:54:50 AM] Zachariah: and then not see each other again for a year?
[1:55:12 AM] Matthew Michael: I would do everything I could imagine
[1:55:16 AM] Matthew Michael: Plus more
[1:55:20 AM] Zachariah: no you have to elaborate
[1:55:23 AM] Matthew Michael: Well
[1:55:28 AM] Matthew Michael: I would pull you close...
[1:55:30 AM] Matthew Michael: And kiss you hard
***
[2:04:34 AM] Zachariah: if you kiss me well, i will still bite you.
[2:04:37 AM] Zachariah: but in a good way
[2:04:48 AM] Matthew Michael: Rawr
[2:04:54 AM] Matthew Michael: It's on
[2:04:57 AM] Zachariah: *not joking*
[2:05:03 AM] Matthew Michael: Neither am I
[2:05:09 AM] Zachariah: i want you so bad
[2:05:54 AM] Matthew Michael: I want you too
[2:06:27 AM] Zachariah: i just don't want you to be disappointed.
[2:07:05 AM] Matthew Michael: I won't be
[2:07:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
***
I love him. And when I told him that the fighting and anger come with the package, and that if he can't handle that or doesn't want to put up with it, he should just walk away now...
...he looked at me, cracked a smile, and said, "You're not getting rid of me that easily. I am too involved with you to walk away from this now."
***
I felt like I would burst with happiness when he said that.
All is well in my mind... except I haven't done any of my homework.
Oh well. Matt is still in my life. Homework is salvageable. Losing him is not.
Goodnight.
I need to sleep now so I can get up early and get some of my homework done before my classes.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Braid and Anticipation
I started playing Braid last night.
Great game.
This is what it looks like.
It's a puzzle game, by every sense of the word...
...no really, there's actual puzzle pieces that are collected on every level.
***
But that's not the main reason I am writing.
I'm scared, internet.
Matt and I are going to continue our fight tonight.
He wants to settle it all tonight.
Tonight, everything might change.
After Tonight, I might be alone again.
But then, haven't I been alone this whole time?
***
why can't it be as easy in real life as it is in the movies?
(skip to circa 60 seconds)
"Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful doze I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow"
~Alfred Lord Tennyson
Great game.
This is what it looks like.
It's a puzzle game, by every sense of the word...
...no really, there's actual puzzle pieces that are collected on every level.
***
But that's not the main reason I am writing.
I'm scared, internet.
Matt and I are going to continue our fight tonight.
He wants to settle it all tonight.
Tonight, everything might change.
After Tonight, I might be alone again.
But then, haven't I been alone this whole time?
***
why can't it be as easy in real life as it is in the movies?
(skip to circa 60 seconds)
"Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful doze I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow"
~Alfred Lord Tennyson
Breathe, Zach, Just Keep Breathing...
2:15 AM
Ok. I am in the middle of a conversation with Matt right now. He came on skype and asked me again if I would be mad if he fell in love with someone else.
WHAT THE FUCK, MATT?!
Is he trying to hurt me now? Or is he amused by my reaction every time he brings it up?
I told him, as I told him last night, that I would be mad. But not at him.
However, I am mad at him for bringing it up again. And now all of my anger and frustration from the past few nights is just cascading out through the wall that had been undermined by Matt's question.
This will not end well.
***
3:40AM
We have been fighting for over an hour. I am so pissed.
And now the conversation is over for tonight. This is how it ended.
[3:33:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[3:33:28 AM] Matthew Michael: We can talk about this now
[3:33:31 AM] Matthew Michael: Or I can get some sleep
[3:33:35 AM] Matthew Michael: And we'll finish this later
[3:33:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Your call
[3:33:41 AM] Zachariah: NO YOUR CALL
[3:34:07 AM] Matthew Michael: This sounds bad, but lets finish this when I'm more conscious
[3:34:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[3:34:11 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm out of it
[3:34:16 AM] Matthew Michael: and I can't do you good
[3:34:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Tomorrow
[3:34:22 AM] Matthew Michael: it's on
[3:34:25 AM] Matthew Michael: sorry
[3:34:28 AM] Matthew Michael: i love you
[3:34:29 AM] Zachariah: fine.
***
and then I signed off without saying another word.
I hope this drives him crazy. I hope it keeps him awake tonight.
I hope he can't focus on anything tomorrow because he is so preoccupied with worrying about me.
...and I know that none of that will happen. Because he's Matt, and he's incapable of worrying or feeling pretty much any "emotions" deeper than contentedness or discomfort.
Well, he finally got to see my angry side, my hateful side. I have a knack for saying the perfect hateful things that can sting a person through and through. I have a certain prowess for causing pain and grief. He has remained unfazed by everything I have thrown at him.
That cannot be a good sign.
I am so overwhelmed and frustrated. Fuck this whole damn thing.
Fuck him.
Thom, if you're reading this, congratulations: the relationship that you are so opposed to might just be falling apart before your very eyes. Fuck you too, for never supporting me - I have heard your opinion, I have understood your warnings. But I have made my decision. I have placed all bets on Matt, and no matter how foolish my choice was, it has been made. Real friends support each other in their decisions, even if they disagree with the decision made. Where are you now, when I need that friend to lean on?
No, I get to grieve alone. I get to cry myself to sleep tonight. Alone.
If I had you here with me, Matt, I would be tempted to smack you. But even now, as angry as I am (and I am furious to the point of tears), I know that the first thing I would do would still be the same: I would kiss you. And hold you. And cry with my face pressed hard against your chest.
Even though you are the subject of my anger, you are also the only one with the power to make me happy again. Don't let me down.
Ok. I am in the middle of a conversation with Matt right now. He came on skype and asked me again if I would be mad if he fell in love with someone else.
WHAT THE FUCK, MATT?!
Is he trying to hurt me now? Or is he amused by my reaction every time he brings it up?
I told him, as I told him last night, that I would be mad. But not at him.
However, I am mad at him for bringing it up again. And now all of my anger and frustration from the past few nights is just cascading out through the wall that had been undermined by Matt's question.
This will not end well.
***
3:40AM
We have been fighting for over an hour. I am so pissed.
And now the conversation is over for tonight. This is how it ended.
[3:33:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[3:33:28 AM] Matthew Michael: We can talk about this now
[3:33:31 AM] Matthew Michael: Or I can get some sleep
[3:33:35 AM] Matthew Michael: And we'll finish this later
[3:33:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Your call
[3:33:41 AM] Zachariah: NO YOUR CALL
[3:34:07 AM] Matthew Michael: This sounds bad, but lets finish this when I'm more conscious
[3:34:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[3:34:11 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm out of it
[3:34:16 AM] Matthew Michael: and I can't do you good
[3:34:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Tomorrow
[3:34:22 AM] Matthew Michael: it's on
[3:34:25 AM] Matthew Michael: sorry
[3:34:28 AM] Matthew Michael: i love you
[3:34:29 AM] Zachariah: fine.
***
and then I signed off without saying another word.
I hope this drives him crazy. I hope it keeps him awake tonight.
I hope he can't focus on anything tomorrow because he is so preoccupied with worrying about me.
...and I know that none of that will happen. Because he's Matt, and he's incapable of worrying or feeling pretty much any "emotions" deeper than contentedness or discomfort.
Well, he finally got to see my angry side, my hateful side. I have a knack for saying the perfect hateful things that can sting a person through and through. I have a certain prowess for causing pain and grief. He has remained unfazed by everything I have thrown at him.
That cannot be a good sign.
I am so overwhelmed and frustrated. Fuck this whole damn thing.
Fuck him.
Thom, if you're reading this, congratulations: the relationship that you are so opposed to might just be falling apart before your very eyes. Fuck you too, for never supporting me - I have heard your opinion, I have understood your warnings. But I have made my decision. I have placed all bets on Matt, and no matter how foolish my choice was, it has been made. Real friends support each other in their decisions, even if they disagree with the decision made. Where are you now, when I need that friend to lean on?
No, I get to grieve alone. I get to cry myself to sleep tonight. Alone.
If I had you here with me, Matt, I would be tempted to smack you. But even now, as angry as I am (and I am furious to the point of tears), I know that the first thing I would do would still be the same: I would kiss you. And hold you. And cry with my face pressed hard against your chest.
Even though you are the subject of my anger, you are also the only one with the power to make me happy again. Don't let me down.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
From Meg to Mergatroid.
Today was boring. I slept through half of my calculus class because I was so tired from staying up talking to Matt and then tossing and turning all night thinking about everything we talked about.
Then I had Asian Thought and Behavior - Jon sat next to me today - I haven't really talked to him much since orientation, because he struck me as somewhat annoying. But we fooled and joked around all the way through the class. We wrote on each other - I felt like I was back in middle school - and the whole thing was actually quite refreshing, being able to act immature with someone.
I wrote on his arm, "John" because I know the misspelling annoys him. He scribbled out the 'h'.
Then I scribbled out the 'n' and put an 'e' - now he was 'Joe'.
Then he scribbled out the whole thing. So I wrote "Eggbert" on his arm, and whispered that it was his new name.
So he started writing on my arm, "hello"
Then he drew a penis onto my dragon tattoo (but didn't tell me until after)!!
Then he wrote "Mergatroid" on my arm and said it was my new name.
So now, I am Mergatroid. lol
Then I had Asian Thought and Behavior - Jon sat next to me today - I haven't really talked to him much since orientation, because he struck me as somewhat annoying. But we fooled and joked around all the way through the class. We wrote on each other - I felt like I was back in middle school - and the whole thing was actually quite refreshing, being able to act immature with someone.
I wrote on his arm, "John" because I know the misspelling annoys him. He scribbled out the 'h'.
Then I scribbled out the 'n' and put an 'e' - now he was 'Joe'.
Then he scribbled out the whole thing. So I wrote "Eggbert" on his arm, and whispered that it was his new name.
So he started writing on my arm, "hello"
Then he drew a penis onto my dragon tattoo (but didn't tell me until after)!!
Then he wrote "Mergatroid" on my arm and said it was my new name.
So now, I am Mergatroid. lol
I'm so tired.
I love Matt. We talked tonight. I actually got kind of pissy with him, which is new for me. I'm scared of what that means.
I'm too lazy to write anything original, so I am just copypasta-ing our convo from skype.
It's really long, and I may come back when I have time to edit it to something more reader-friendly (not like I have any readers anyway).
[1:39:54 AM] Matthew Michael: I want to see you
[1:40:04 AM] Zachariah: w/e
[1:40:07 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[1:40:09 AM] Matthew Michael: Those girls
[1:40:12 AM] Matthew Michael: I didn't bang them
[1:40:15 AM] Matthew Michael: Andrew just likes to be a dick
[1:40:17 AM] Zachariah: i don't care. do what you want.
[1:40:23 AM] Matthew Michael: He knows how I feel about you, and so he likes to play you off
[1:40:29 AM] Zachariah: yeah sounds like it
[1:40:31 AM] Matthew Michael: Because he's a dick
[1:40:42 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't you be mad at me
[1:40:43 AM] Zachariah: well he's good at what he does then. except i don't care who you screw
[1:40:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Seriously
[1:40:57 AM] Zachariah: you showed me that i need to try to do the same
[1:41:01 AM] Matthew Michael: Really
[1:41:03 AM] Matthew Michael: Really
[1:41:05 AM] Matthew Michael: We're doing this
[1:41:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Emma
[1:41:19 AM] Matthew Michael: More then six months I've known you
[1:41:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[1:41:32 AM] Matthew Michael: Listen
[1:41:33 AM] Zachariah: I am legitimately planning on picking someone up at a party this weekend and screwing them. just for the hell of it.
[1:41:42 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:41:45 AM] Matthew Michael: If you want to do that
[1:41:46 AM] Matthew Michael: You can
[1:41:52 AM] Matthew Michael: If you really want to
[1:41:54 AM] Matthew Michael: It's fine
[1:41:59 AM] Zachariah: i know it is.
[1:42:03 AM] Matthew Michael: But
[1:42:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:42:15 AM] Matthew Michael: This is just a big cluster fuck
[1:42:16 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[1:42:19 AM] Matthew Michael: This whole thing
[1:42:23 AM] Zachariah: you know i have been scared of getting mad at you.
[1:42:24 AM] Matthew Michael: And it looks much worse then it is
[1:42:24 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[1:42:30 AM] Zachariah: for the last 6 months
[1:42:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Well apparently it finally happened
[1:42:42 AM] Zachariah: because i didn't want you to think i wasn;'t worth the trouble
[1:42:53 AM] Zachariah: im not mad at you. even now
[1:42:55 AM] Zachariah: i want to be
[1:42:59 AM] Zachariah: but im not
[1:43:00 AM] Matthew Michael: You are
[1:43:04 AM] Zachariah: im just mad that i can't be there.
[1:43:04 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't lie to me
[1:43:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Shut up
[1:43:09 AM] Zachariah: and be the girl.
[1:43:12 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:43:15 AM] Matthew Michael: I wish you could too
[1:43:24 AM] Matthew Michael: You think this is easy for me?
[1:43:27 AM] Zachariah: yes
[1:43:34 AM] Matthew Michael: YOUR FUCKING A THOUSAND MILES AWAY
[1:43:38 AM] Matthew Michael: AND I CAN'T EVEN TOUCH YOU
[1:43:47 AM] Matthew Michael: It drives me insane
[1:43:50 AM] Matthew Michael: To no end
[1:43:57 AM] Zachariah: you're really good at seeming like it doesnt matter much to you
[1:43:59 AM] Matthew Michael: I lose my mind
[1:44:05 AM] Matthew Michael: It's just who I am
[1:44:07 AM] Zachariah: i know
[1:44:15 AM] Zachariah: doesn't mean it wont hurt me
[1:44:26 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sorry
[1:44:28 AM] Zachariah: that's why i start doubting.
[1:44:32 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:44:37 AM] Zachariah: because it seems so easy for you to just dismiss me
[1:44:54 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:44:57 AM] Matthew Michael: But I don't
[1:45:00 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just pissed
[1:45:08 AM] Matthew Michael: You are one of my close friends
[1:45:14 AM] Matthew Michael: I tell you things that I don't tell most people
[1:45:19 AM] Matthew Michael: Just because I know I can trust you
[1:45:22 AM] Matthew Michael: And because I like you
[1:45:22 AM] Matthew Michael: alot
[1:46:00 AM] Zachariah: look you dont have to prove anything to me
[1:46:05 AM] Matthew Michael: Shut up
[1:46:09 AM] Matthew Michael: I have everything to prove
[1:46:11 AM] Matthew Michael: Everything
[1:46:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Because that's how I roll
[1:46:26 AM] Matthew Michael: Want me to prove that I'm a man?
[1:47:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Are you there?
[1:47:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Come on
[1:47:08 AM] Zachariah: yes.
[1:47:13 AM] Matthew Michael: And you're pisses
[1:47:20 AM] Zachariah: i have always been pissed.
[1:47:24 AM] Zachariah: since i fell for you
[1:47:27 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:47:32 AM] Zachariah: but it's not directed towards you
[1:47:37 AM] Matthew Michael: But it is
[1:47:40 AM] Zachariah: you're just the most convenient person
[1:47:43 AM] Zachariah: and that's human nature
[1:48:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:48:21 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:48:25 AM] Matthew Michael: You can hate me
[1:48:29 AM] Matthew Michael: I deserve it
[1:48:32 AM] Zachariah: i can NOT hate you.
[1:48:33 AM] Matthew Michael: All the shit I put you through
[1:48:38 AM] Matthew Michael: You could try
[1:48:42 AM] Matthew Michael: You might like it
[1:48:45 AM] Zachariah: what have you put me through that I haven't willingly subjected myself to?
[1:49:09 AM] Zachariah: and you said that you are feeling it too
[1:49:14 AM] Zachariah: so we're both fucked.
[1:49:20 AM] Zachariah: one more than the other
[1:49:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Pretty much
[1:49:23 AM] Zachariah: or more often
[1:49:26 AM] Zachariah: *nudge nudge*
[1:49:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Apparently you could be getting just as much
[1:49:41 AM] Matthew Michael: You're just picky
[1:49:45 AM] Matthew Michael: Mike
[1:49:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Thom
[1:49:46 AM] Zachariah: ha
[1:49:48 AM] Matthew Michael: Everyone
[1:49:53 AM] Zachariah: the crew team.
[1:49:56 AM] Matthew Michael: So shut your mouth
[1:50:05 AM] Matthew Michael: You could get anyone you wanted
[1:50:08 AM] Matthew Michael: And you know that
[1:50:10 AM] Zachariah: if picky means all i want is you, then I am picky.
[1:50:18 AM] Zachariah: and no, i most definitely cannot get anyone i want
[1:50:22 AM] Zachariah: I WANT YOU.
[1:50:25 AM] Zachariah: i can't have that.
[1:50:30 AM] Zachariah: so there.
[1:50:30 AM] Matthew Michael: You can
[1:50:32 AM] Matthew Michael: You will
[1:50:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Just wait
[1:50:35 AM] Zachariah: oh?
[1:50:37 AM] Matthew Michael: It'll happen
[1:50:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[1:50:38 AM] Zachariah: someday?
[1:50:42 AM] Zachariah: eventually?
[1:50:48 AM] Zachariah: AMBIGUOUSLY?!
[1:50:49 AM] Matthew Michael: You may be skeptical, but it'll happen
[1:50:53 AM] Matthew Michael: It's who I am
[1:50:55 AM] Matthew Michael: Deal with it
[1:51:12 AM] Zachariah: i have been, haven't i?
[1:51:23 AM] Zachariah: as stoically as I could.
[1:51:38 AM] Zachariah: but i fail epically at the nonchalance that comes so easily to you
[1:52:08 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't understand
[1:52:10 AM] Matthew Michael: What do you mean?
[1:52:18 AM] Zachariah: how can i explain this
[1:52:33 AM] Zachariah: you're personality is such:
[1:52:59 AM] Zachariah: you seem like you can walk away from me at any second. and by the next day, forget that i even existed
[1:53:08 AM] Zachariah: i understand that its just you
[1:53:17 AM] Zachariah: but i am not that good at it.
[1:53:23 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:53:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Most people have problems with it
[1:53:34 AM] Zachariah: my emotions are pretty obvious to those i feel most passionately about
[1:53:40 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:53:42 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sorry
[1:53:46 AM] Matthew Michael: It's just who I am
[1:53:48 AM] Matthew Michael: I can't help it
[1:53:50 AM] Zachariah: i know
[1:53:52 AM] Matthew Michael: People get pissed at me all the time
[1:53:54 AM] Zachariah: that's why i cant be mad at you
[1:53:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Because I seem distant
[1:54:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Or that I lead people on
[1:54:04 AM] Zachariah: EXACTLY
[1:54:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Even when I don't mean to
[1:54:12 AM] Matthew Michael: It just looks that ay
[1:54:31 AM] Zachariah: all i can do is look, matt. remember that. from here, all i can do is look.
[1:54:49 AM] Zachariah: i am a physical person
[1:55:02 AM] Zachariah: i need to be touched. to touch.
[1:55:09 AM] Zachariah: this is very difficult for me.
[1:55:19 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:55:19 AM] Zachariah: as you say it is for you too
[1:55:43 AM] Zachariah: but with me it's obvious. you must be firmly aware of exactly how desperate i am to be with you
[1:56:10 AM] Zachariah: college was supposed to be my way out
[1:56:17 AM] Matthew Michael: I know that
[1:56:21 AM] Zachariah: and yours, probably
[1:57:19 AM] Matthew Michael: This sucks
[1:57:22 AM] Matthew Michael: But it doesn't
[1:57:27 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[1:57:29 AM] Zachariah: this is what i am scared of.
[1:57:31 AM] Matthew Michael: This is complicated
[1:57:36 AM] Matthew Michael: What>
[1:58:31 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:58:36 AM] Matthew Michael: Everything will work out
[1:58:42 AM] Zachariah: i dont want it to suck. then you will not want to talk to me.
[1:58:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Trust me
[1:58:48 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[1:58:54 AM] Matthew Michael: Then we're just living a lie
[1:58:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Tell me how you feel
[1:59:01 AM] Matthew Michael: Even if you think it won't end well
[1:59:15 AM] Matthew Michael: If you hold stuff back, it will ultimately destroy everything
[1:59:32 AM] Matthew Michael: If you have a problem with wha tI'm doing
[1:59:35 AM] Matthew Michael: Then just tell me
[1:59:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Because no matter what you can tell me
[1:59:49 AM] Matthew Michael: I'll always love you
[1:59:55 AM] Zachariah: dont say always.
[1:59:55 AM] Matthew Michael: Even if you hate me
[2:00:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Would you like me to lie to you?
[2:00:14 AM] Zachariah: i would like you to be honest with yourself.
[2:00:32 AM] Zachariah: why are you talking to me? why continue this?
[2:00:37 AM] Zachariah: ive been trying to figure that out for months
[2:00:47 AM] Zachariah: you dont need this kind of stress.
[2:01:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Then let's break it off
[2:01:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Maybe we need a break
[2:01:14 AM] Matthew Michael: But that's the last thing I want right now
[2:01:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Nether one of us wants this to end
[2:01:41 AM] Matthew Michael: And for good reason
[2:01:46 AM] Matthew Michael: We've invested alot into this
[2:01:58 AM] Zachariah: a lot of what?
[2:02:01 AM] Matthew Michael: And I'll be damned if I let someone like you go
[2:02:12 AM] Matthew Michael: A lot of time
[2:02:15 AM] Matthew Michael: Effort
[2:02:18 AM] Matthew Michael: Emotion
[2:02:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Emma...
[2:02:35 AM] Matthew Michael: Look at me
[2:02:42 AM] Matthew Michael: I love you
[2:02:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright?
[2:02:49 AM] Matthew Michael: I would love to see you
[2:02:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Trust me
[2:03:01 AM] Matthew Michael: I just can't figure out a way to do that
[2:03:04 AM] Matthew Michael: No matter what I do
[2:03:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Not yet
[2:03:11 AM] Matthew Michael: But soon
[2:03:13 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm trying
[2:03:24 AM] Matthew Michael: It's going to be about 400 dollars to just get up to PA
[2:03:27 AM] Matthew Michael: And I'm saving
[2:03:33 AM] Matthew Michael: But it's taking a while
[2:03:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[2:03:41 AM] Matthew Michael: And the time
[2:03:49 AM] Matthew Michael: This whole thing is so complicated
[2:04:01 AM] Matthew Michael: I have a headache
[2:04:06 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sure you're worse off
[2:04:07 AM] Zachariah: that's me
[2:04:09 AM] Zachariah: no
[2:04:15 AM] Zachariah: i mean i'm the headache
[2:04:19 AM] Zachariah: *shrug*
[2:04:29 AM] Matthew Michael: No you're not
[2:04:37 AM] Zachariah: what else have i been for you?
[2:04:38 AM] Matthew Michael: The 1000 miles between us is
[2:04:43 AM] Zachariah: 1200
[2:04:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Too much
[2:05:03 AM] Zachariah: it's not fair
[2:05:14 AM] Zachariah: can we regress back to children and just complain like that?
[2:05:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Sure
[2:05:58 AM] Matthew Michael: I can throw a temper tantrum if you would like
[2:06:01 AM] Matthew Michael: If it would make you feel better
[2:06:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Just all over Andrews bed
[2:06:10 AM] Matthew Michael: He's not even here
[2:06:12 AM] Matthew Michael: Homo
[2:06:16 AM] Zachariah: lol
[2:06:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
[2:06:25 AM] Matthew Michael: This whoule thine will work out
[2:06:28 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[2:06:29 AM] Zachariah: how?
[2:06:38 AM] Zachariah: if you make a promise like that...
[2:06:48 AM] Zachariah: you gotta be prepared to back it up
[2:06:59 AM] Zachariah: how can this possibly work out?
[2:07:04 AM] Matthew Michael: It will
[2:07:05 AM] Zachariah: i dont like to think about it
[2:07:07 AM] Matthew Michael: These things always do
[2:07:11 AM] Zachariah: but maybe we should.
[2:07:21 AM] Zachariah: "these things"?
[2:07:31 AM] Zachariah: how many of "these things" have you been in b4?
[2:09:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey
[2:09:35 AM] Matthew Michael: So I'm back
[2:09:39 AM] Matthew Michael: But I have to do homework
[2:09:39 AM] Matthew Michael: So
[2:09:41 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[2:09:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Just FYI
[2:09:48 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm still here, though
[2:09:49 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
[2:09:53 AM] Matthew Michael: What else is on your mind
[2:09:58 AM] Matthew Michael: Talk to me
[2:10:02 AM] Matthew Michael: I never get to talk to you
[2:10:07 AM] Zachariah: what you said
[2:10:11 AM] Zachariah: a few nights ago
[2:10:29 AM] Zachariah: we were talking about pretty much the same thing... how could this possibly work out
[2:10:48 AM] Zachariah: and you said, "we meet. it will be perfect. then one of us will cave and transfer."
[2:10:59 AM] Zachariah: it's not going to happen that way. and you know it.
[2:11:19 AM] Zachariah: i want so badly for us to be perfect, for it to feel amazing to be with you face to face
[2:11:33 AM] Zachariah: but at the same time, if we met up and it didn't click...
[2:11:38 AM] Zachariah: wouldn't that be better?
[2:11:49 AM] Zachariah: than walking away from the one i love?
[2:11:57 AM] Zachariah: once i am with you...
[2:12:05 AM] Zachariah: i don't know that i will want to let you go.
[2:12:18 AM] Matthew Michael: Who knows
[2:12:22 AM] Matthew Michael: It's impossible to day
[2:12:23 AM] Matthew Michael: say*
[2:12:25 AM] Matthew Michael: But
[2:12:32 AM] Zachariah: but it's plausible to discuss the possibilities.
[2:12:37 AM] Matthew Michael: I have a sneaking suspistion that it'll be awesome
[2:12:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Just between you and me
[2:12:46 AM] Zachariah: ok
[2:13:00 AM] Zachariah: well that leads us back to the main reason i brought this up
[2:13:11 AM] Zachariah: awesome. we're awesome. then what?
[2:13:17 AM] Zachariah: then nothing.
[2:13:23 AM] Zachariah: we're back where we started
[2:13:30 AM] Zachariah: except now we are positive that we love each other
[2:13:41 AM] Zachariah: and we've had a taste of how it feels to be in each others' arms
[2:13:53 AM] Zachariah: won't it be all the more painful to split then?
[2:14:18 AM] Matthew Michael: Probably
[2:14:24 AM] Zachariah: im sorry i have been so serious lately
[2:14:31 AM] Matthew Michael: It's sort of like, we're damned if we do, and we're damned if we don't
[2:14:36 AM] Zachariah: exactly
[2:14:40 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't care
[2:14:41 AM] Zachariah: so which is the lesser of two evils?
[2:14:46 AM] Matthew Michael: You can be crazy like a fox for all I care
[2:14:48 AM] Matthew Michael: Do what you want
[2:14:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Do what makes you happy
[2:14:54 AM] Matthew Michael: That's my motto
[2:14:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Well, one of them
[2:14:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[2:15:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Shit happends
[2:15:05 AM] Matthew Michael: We'll just ride it out
[2:15:07 AM] Matthew Michael: And it'll be fine
[2:15:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
[2:15:18 AM] Matthew Michael: It'll only make you feel worse
[2:15:21 AM] Zachariah: how can you sit there and tell me not to worry?
[2:15:30 AM] Zachariah: aren't you worried? ever?
[2:15:44 AM] Zachariah: or is the nonchalance truly your deepest feeling?
[2:16:21 AM] Matthew Michael: It's complicated
[2:16:24 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just
[2:16:27 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[2:16:32 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't really worry about stuff
[2:16:33 AM] Matthew Michael: I guess
[2:16:36 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[2:16:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Nothing really get's to me
[2:16:52 AM] Zachariah: nothing?
[2:16:57 AM] Zachariah: that's frightening.
[2:17:15 AM] Zachariah: is that how you can compartmentalize your life?
[2:17:54 AM] Zachariah: ?
[2:18:28 AM] Matthew Michael: What?
[2:18:31 AM] Zachariah: what'd you do?
[2:18:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Compartmentalize
[2:18:36 AM] Zachariah: oh
[2:18:37 AM] Zachariah: yeah
[2:18:43 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm not a phyc major like you
[2:18:45 AM] Matthew Michael: Or whatever oyu are
[2:18:49 AM] Zachariah: fuck you
[2:18:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Neurosicence
[2:18:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Whatever
[2:18:57 AM] Matthew Michael: You don't even know my major
[2:19:06 AM] Zachariah: computer engineering
[2:19:21 AM] Zachariah: compartmentalize:
[2:19:34 AM] Zachariah: to divide one's life into nice, neat, SEPARATED compartments
[2:21:10 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't split things up
[2:21:16 AM] Matthew Michael: That's for gays and women
[2:21:16 AM] Zachariah: bullshit
[2:21:23 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[2:21:30 AM] Zachariah: "skype girl"
[2:21:31 AM] Matthew Michael: I just deal with things in a much chllier manner
[2:21:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[2:21:36 AM] Zachariah: not mad, just making a point
[2:21:43 AM] Matthew Michael: htat's how Andrew thinks of oyu
[2:21:48 AM] Matthew Michael: He doesn't understand that you're a real person
[2:21:51 AM] Matthew Michael: With a name
[2:22:01 AM] Zachariah: isn't he the only person that even knows i exist? besides your sister?
[2:23:28 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[2:23:31 AM] Matthew Michael: SNIGS
[2:23:39 AM] Zachariah: you suck.
[2:23:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn straight
[2:23:51 AM] Zachariah: boys that want to screw me know that you are the reason they cant
[2:24:06 AM] Zachariah: people i barely talk to know your name.
[2:24:14 AM] Matthew Michael: Really?
[2:24:16 AM] Zachariah: i am terrible at keeping you a secret
[2:24:22 AM] Matthew Michael: What do you tell them?
[2:24:55 AM] Zachariah:
"I'm in love with this perfect guy. and for some unknown reason, he loves me too.
here's the catch..."
[2:25:02 AM] Zachariah: "...hes 1200 miles away."
[2:25:11 AM] Zachariah: that's what i tell people.
[2:25:31 AM] Zachariah: whenever i look sad or preoccupied, my roomates ask what happened with you
[2:25:49 AM] Matthew Michael: With me?
[2:25:52 AM] Matthew Michael: Really
[2:25:55 AM] Matthew Michael: They ask that?
[2:25:59 AM] Matthew Michael: About me
[2:25:59 AM] Zachariah: yeah
[2:26:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Wow
[2:26:07 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm touched
[2:26:18 AM] Zachariah: really?
[2:26:20 AM] Zachariah: i cant tell.
[2:26:22 AM] Zachariah: oh wait.
[2:26:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Fo rly?
[2:26:29 AM] Matthew Michael: Fo rly rly?
[2:26:32 AM] Zachariah: ...burn?
[2:26:37 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[2:26:38 AM] Matthew Michael: What
[2:26:39 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm lost
[2:26:40 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm tired
[2:26:45 AM] Zachariah: dont go
[2:26:47 AM] Matthew Michael: I need to finish this homework
[2:26:47 AM] Matthew Michael: Brb
[2:29:06 AM] Matthew Michael: You can tlak to me
[2:29:10 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just going to be in and out
[2:29:29 AM] Zachariah: well, if you wont focus on me, then i wont focus on you. i have homework too.
[2:29:49 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh sure
[2:29:54 AM] Matthew Michael: Phyc hoemwork
[2:29:57 AM] Zachariah: philos
[2:30:00 AM] Zachariah: not psych
[2:30:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Try not to over load yourself
[2:30:01 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh
[2:30:03 AM] Matthew Michael: My bad
[2:30:05 AM] Matthew Michael: So much work
[2:30:07 AM] Zachariah: it's heavy shit
[2:30:10 AM] Matthew Michael: You poor thing
[2:30:11 AM] Zachariah: jerk
[2:30:11 AM] Matthew Michael: Sure
[2:30:15 AM] Zachariah: Try fucking Calc
[2:30:17 AM] Zachariah: and i had chem lab for 3 hours today
[2:30:23 AM] Zachariah: and calc is tomorrow
[2:30:23 AM] Matthew Michael: I have to tomorrow
[2:30:26 AM] Matthew Michael: FOREVER
[2:30:27 AM] Matthew Michael: BWAHAHAHAa
[2:30:29 AM] Zachariah: so stoppit.
[2:30:31 AM] Matthew Michael: I WILL ALWAYS WIN
[2:30:31 AM] Zachariah: jerk
[2:30:32 AM] Matthew Michael: ALWAYS
[2:30:34 AM] Matthew Michael: I love oyu
[2:30:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Kiss me
(I jokingly blow him a kiss...)
[2:30:54 AM] Matthew Michael: That's the stuff
[2:30:58 AM] Zachariah: hostess?
[2:31:04 AM] Matthew Michael: Gawd
[2:31:05 AM] Matthew Michael: So hawt
[2:31:09 AM] Matthew Michael: I WANTS MOAR!
[2:31:13 AM] Matthew Michael: GIVES THEM TO MES!
[2:31:14 AM] Zachariah: I'LL SHOW YOU HOT
[2:31:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh baby
[2:31:25 AM] Zachariah: that got your attention
[2:31:29 AM] Matthew Michael: Go on...
[2:31:30 AM] Matthew Michael: You have
[2:31:35 AM] Matthew Michael: Come on...
[2:31:41 AM] Zachariah: i will show you hot.
[2:31:43 AM] Zachariah: in person.
[2:31:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn it
[2:31:48 AM] Zachariah: nah
[2:31:49 AM] Zachariah: jk
[2:31:50 AM] Matthew Michael: You little flirt
[2:31:54 AM] Zachariah: im incapable of hot
[2:31:57 AM] Zachariah: or sexy
[2:31:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Back to math
[2:32:00 AM] Zachariah: im just clumsy
[2:33:46 AM] Zachariah: my homework is entertaining
[2:34:27 AM] Matthew Michael: Lies
[2:34:30 AM] Matthew Michael: Nothing beats math
[2:34:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Math is awesome
[2:34:35 AM] Zachariah: "A man may be entitled to read an obscene book in his room, or expose himself indecently there, or masturbate, or flog himself, it that is possible, or what have you."
[2:34:45 AM] Zachariah: hahaha
[2:34:46 AM] Matthew Michael: What?
[2:34:50 AM] Matthew Michael: That's crazy
[2:34:50 AM] Zachariah: obscenity law
[2:34:52 AM] Matthew Michael: Math is awesome
[2:34:52 AM] Zachariah: mad entertaining
[2:34:59 AM] Matthew Michael: It is
[2:35:03 AM] Matthew Michael: It makes sense
[2:35:12 AM] Matthew Michael: Anything can be explained with it
[2:35:16 AM] Zachariah: no
[2:35:17 AM] Matthew Michael: Almost
[2:35:21 AM] Matthew Michael: Name anything
[2:35:26 AM] Matthew Michael: I bet I can relate it to math
[2:35:27 AM] Zachariah: you.
[2:35:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[2:35:43 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm easy
[2:35:54 AM] Matthew Michael: 18
[2:35:56 AM] Matthew Michael: There
[2:35:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Now
[2:36:00 AM] Zachariah: that's a number
[2:36:02 AM] Zachariah: that's not math
[2:36:05 AM] Matthew Michael: What part of me do you want me to explain?
[2:36:06 AM] Zachariah: and it doesn't explain you
[2:36:16 AM] Zachariah: the part that i dont understand
[2:36:50 AM] Matthew Michael: You're crazy
[2:36:59 AM] Zachariah: OVER YOU!!!
[2:37:00 AM] Zachariah: OH BABY
[2:37:01 AM] Zachariah: GAWD
[2:37:05 AM] Zachariah: SO SEXY
[2:37:09 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn right
[2:37:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey
[2:37:20 AM] Zachariah: see? i don't even understand you, and you've rubbed off on me
[2:37:22 AM] Matthew Michael: You
[2:37:26 AM] Zachariah: what?
[2:37:26 AM] Matthew Michael: haha
[2:37:28 AM] Matthew Michael: There we go
[2:37:32 AM] Matthew Michael: Now my plan is working
[2:37:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Soon you'll be just like me!
[2:37:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Bwahahaha
[2:37:40 AM] Zachariah: i cant be
[2:37:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Then you won't care about anything
[2:37:51 AM] Zachariah: so that is you?
[2:37:53 AM] Matthew Michael: It's pretty crazy
[2:37:54 AM] Matthew Michael: nah
[2:37:56 AM] Zachariah: you just don't care.
[2:37:57 AM] Matthew Michael: I care about stuff
[2:38:01 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just much more reserved
[2:38:02 AM] Zachariah: like what?
[2:54:28 AM] Zachariah: twitch!!!
[2:59:15 AM] Zachariah: Matt
(I held up a piece of paper that said "I LOVE YOU" on it)
[2:59:24 AM] Matthew Michael: Yo
[2:59:25 AM] Matthew Michael: What's up
[2:59:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Thanks
[2:59:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Wha?
[2:59:40 AM] Matthew Michael: Why
[2:59:42 AM] Matthew Michael: I like it
[2:59:44 AM] Matthew Michael: Alot
[2:59:46 AM] Zachariah: you rejected my love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[2:59:47 AM] Zachariah: lol
[2:59:49 AM] Matthew Michael: I love you too
[2:59:52 AM] Matthew Michael: No I didn't
[2:59:56 AM] Matthew Michael: I took it
[3:00:01 AM] Zachariah: lol
[3:00:10 AM] Zachariah: I love you so much
[3:07:43 AM] Zachariah:
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
I'll pretend That I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.
[3:08:04 AM] Zachariah: the beatles?
[3:08:09 AM] Matthew Michael: Very nice
[3:08:10 AM] Matthew Michael: I approve
[3:08:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't be mad, but I don't check your blog
[3:08:24 AM] Matthew Michael: I lost the link
[3:08:26 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[3:08:29 AM] Zachariah: I'm glad you don't, honestly
[3:08:33 AM] Zachariah: especially lately
[3:08:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh, alright
[3:08:37 AM] Matthew Michael: I thought you might be mad
[3:08:41 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[3:08:45 AM] Zachariah: lol Thom checks it every day
[3:08:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Phew
[3:08:49 AM] Zachariah: i have one follower
[3:08:50 AM] Zachariah: :P
[3:08:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Haha
[3:08:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[3:08:55 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[3:08:58 AM] Matthew Michael: I had it
[3:09:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Then I forgot to save it
[3:09:04 AM] Zachariah: matt
[3:09:06 AM] Matthew Michael: And now it's gone
[3:09:08 AM] Zachariah: i love you
[3:09:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Muh bad
[3:09:11 AM] Zachariah: relax.
[3:09:12 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn straight
[3:12:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Finished Calc
[3:12:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Brb
[3:12:03 AM] Matthew Michael: Teeth
[3:12:09 AM] Zachariah: ok
[3:13:24 AM] Zachariah: there's only 1 thing 2 do, 3 words 4 you: i love you.
[3:13:29 AM] Zachariah: do you like the plain white t's?
[3:14:25 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[3:14:32 AM] Zachariah: alright,
[3:14:35 AM] Matthew Michael: So
[3:14:38 AM] Matthew Michael: I need to go to bed
[3:14:44 AM] Matthew Michael: Chem stuff tomorrow
[3:14:45 AM] Matthew Michael: So
[3:14:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Nighty night
[3:14:47 AM] Matthew Michael: Grrl
[3:14:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Talk to you later
[3:14:58 AM] Zachariah: goodnight, honey
[3:15:21 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[3:15:23 AM] Matthew Michael: Distracted
[3:15:26 AM] Matthew Michael: P.S. I love you
[3:15:28 AM] Matthew Michael: Nighty night
[3:15:30 AM] *** Call ended ***
I'm too lazy to write anything original, so I am just copypasta-ing our convo from skype.
It's really long, and I may come back when I have time to edit it to something more reader-friendly (not like I have any readers anyway).
[1:39:54 AM] Matthew Michael: I want to see you
[1:40:04 AM] Zachariah: w/e
[1:40:07 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[1:40:09 AM] Matthew Michael: Those girls
[1:40:12 AM] Matthew Michael: I didn't bang them
[1:40:15 AM] Matthew Michael: Andrew just likes to be a dick
[1:40:17 AM] Zachariah: i don't care. do what you want.
[1:40:23 AM] Matthew Michael: He knows how I feel about you, and so he likes to play you off
[1:40:29 AM] Zachariah: yeah sounds like it
[1:40:31 AM] Matthew Michael: Because he's a dick
[1:40:42 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't you be mad at me
[1:40:43 AM] Zachariah: well he's good at what he does then. except i don't care who you screw
[1:40:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Seriously
[1:40:57 AM] Zachariah: you showed me that i need to try to do the same
[1:41:01 AM] Matthew Michael: Really
[1:41:03 AM] Matthew Michael: Really
[1:41:05 AM] Matthew Michael: We're doing this
[1:41:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Emma
[1:41:19 AM] Matthew Michael: More then six months I've known you
[1:41:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[1:41:32 AM] Matthew Michael: Listen
[1:41:33 AM] Zachariah: I am legitimately planning on picking someone up at a party this weekend and screwing them. just for the hell of it.
[1:41:42 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:41:45 AM] Matthew Michael: If you want to do that
[1:41:46 AM] Matthew Michael: You can
[1:41:52 AM] Matthew Michael: If you really want to
[1:41:54 AM] Matthew Michael: It's fine
[1:41:59 AM] Zachariah: i know it is.
[1:42:03 AM] Matthew Michael: But
[1:42:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:42:15 AM] Matthew Michael: This is just a big cluster fuck
[1:42:16 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[1:42:19 AM] Matthew Michael: This whole thing
[1:42:23 AM] Zachariah: you know i have been scared of getting mad at you.
[1:42:24 AM] Matthew Michael: And it looks much worse then it is
[1:42:24 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[1:42:30 AM] Zachariah: for the last 6 months
[1:42:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Well apparently it finally happened
[1:42:42 AM] Zachariah: because i didn't want you to think i wasn;'t worth the trouble
[1:42:53 AM] Zachariah: im not mad at you. even now
[1:42:55 AM] Zachariah: i want to be
[1:42:59 AM] Zachariah: but im not
[1:43:00 AM] Matthew Michael: You are
[1:43:04 AM] Zachariah: im just mad that i can't be there.
[1:43:04 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't lie to me
[1:43:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Shut up
[1:43:09 AM] Zachariah: and be the girl.
[1:43:12 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:43:15 AM] Matthew Michael: I wish you could too
[1:43:24 AM] Matthew Michael: You think this is easy for me?
[1:43:27 AM] Zachariah: yes
[1:43:34 AM] Matthew Michael: YOUR FUCKING A THOUSAND MILES AWAY
[1:43:38 AM] Matthew Michael: AND I CAN'T EVEN TOUCH YOU
[1:43:47 AM] Matthew Michael: It drives me insane
[1:43:50 AM] Matthew Michael: To no end
[1:43:57 AM] Zachariah: you're really good at seeming like it doesnt matter much to you
[1:43:59 AM] Matthew Michael: I lose my mind
[1:44:05 AM] Matthew Michael: It's just who I am
[1:44:07 AM] Zachariah: i know
[1:44:15 AM] Zachariah: doesn't mean it wont hurt me
[1:44:26 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sorry
[1:44:28 AM] Zachariah: that's why i start doubting.
[1:44:32 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:44:37 AM] Zachariah: because it seems so easy for you to just dismiss me
[1:44:54 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:44:57 AM] Matthew Michael: But I don't
[1:45:00 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just pissed
[1:45:08 AM] Matthew Michael: You are one of my close friends
[1:45:14 AM] Matthew Michael: I tell you things that I don't tell most people
[1:45:19 AM] Matthew Michael: Just because I know I can trust you
[1:45:22 AM] Matthew Michael: And because I like you
[1:45:22 AM] Matthew Michael: alot
[1:46:00 AM] Zachariah: look you dont have to prove anything to me
[1:46:05 AM] Matthew Michael: Shut up
[1:46:09 AM] Matthew Michael: I have everything to prove
[1:46:11 AM] Matthew Michael: Everything
[1:46:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Because that's how I roll
[1:46:26 AM] Matthew Michael: Want me to prove that I'm a man?
[1:47:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Are you there?
[1:47:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Come on
[1:47:08 AM] Zachariah: yes.
[1:47:13 AM] Matthew Michael: And you're pisses
[1:47:20 AM] Zachariah: i have always been pissed.
[1:47:24 AM] Zachariah: since i fell for you
[1:47:27 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:47:32 AM] Zachariah: but it's not directed towards you
[1:47:37 AM] Matthew Michael: But it is
[1:47:40 AM] Zachariah: you're just the most convenient person
[1:47:43 AM] Zachariah: and that's human nature
[1:48:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:48:21 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:48:25 AM] Matthew Michael: You can hate me
[1:48:29 AM] Matthew Michael: I deserve it
[1:48:32 AM] Zachariah: i can NOT hate you.
[1:48:33 AM] Matthew Michael: All the shit I put you through
[1:48:38 AM] Matthew Michael: You could try
[1:48:42 AM] Matthew Michael: You might like it
[1:48:45 AM] Zachariah: what have you put me through that I haven't willingly subjected myself to?
[1:49:09 AM] Zachariah: and you said that you are feeling it too
[1:49:14 AM] Zachariah: so we're both fucked.
[1:49:20 AM] Zachariah: one more than the other
[1:49:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Pretty much
[1:49:23 AM] Zachariah: or more often
[1:49:26 AM] Zachariah: *nudge nudge*
[1:49:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Apparently you could be getting just as much
[1:49:41 AM] Matthew Michael: You're just picky
[1:49:45 AM] Matthew Michael: Mike
[1:49:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Thom
[1:49:46 AM] Zachariah: ha
[1:49:48 AM] Matthew Michael: Everyone
[1:49:53 AM] Zachariah: the crew team.
[1:49:56 AM] Matthew Michael: So shut your mouth
[1:50:05 AM] Matthew Michael: You could get anyone you wanted
[1:50:08 AM] Matthew Michael: And you know that
[1:50:10 AM] Zachariah: if picky means all i want is you, then I am picky.
[1:50:18 AM] Zachariah: and no, i most definitely cannot get anyone i want
[1:50:22 AM] Zachariah: I WANT YOU.
[1:50:25 AM] Zachariah: i can't have that.
[1:50:30 AM] Zachariah: so there.
[1:50:30 AM] Matthew Michael: You can
[1:50:32 AM] Matthew Michael: You will
[1:50:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Just wait
[1:50:35 AM] Zachariah: oh?
[1:50:37 AM] Matthew Michael: It'll happen
[1:50:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[1:50:38 AM] Zachariah: someday?
[1:50:42 AM] Zachariah: eventually?
[1:50:48 AM] Zachariah: AMBIGUOUSLY?!
[1:50:49 AM] Matthew Michael: You may be skeptical, but it'll happen
[1:50:53 AM] Matthew Michael: It's who I am
[1:50:55 AM] Matthew Michael: Deal with it
[1:51:12 AM] Zachariah: i have been, haven't i?
[1:51:23 AM] Zachariah: as stoically as I could.
[1:51:38 AM] Zachariah: but i fail epically at the nonchalance that comes so easily to you
[1:52:08 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't understand
[1:52:10 AM] Matthew Michael: What do you mean?
[1:52:18 AM] Zachariah: how can i explain this
[1:52:33 AM] Zachariah: you're personality is such:
[1:52:59 AM] Zachariah: you seem like you can walk away from me at any second. and by the next day, forget that i even existed
[1:53:08 AM] Zachariah: i understand that its just you
[1:53:17 AM] Zachariah: but i am not that good at it.
[1:53:23 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:53:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Most people have problems with it
[1:53:34 AM] Zachariah: my emotions are pretty obvious to those i feel most passionately about
[1:53:40 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:53:42 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sorry
[1:53:46 AM] Matthew Michael: It's just who I am
[1:53:48 AM] Matthew Michael: I can't help it
[1:53:50 AM] Zachariah: i know
[1:53:52 AM] Matthew Michael: People get pissed at me all the time
[1:53:54 AM] Zachariah: that's why i cant be mad at you
[1:53:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Because I seem distant
[1:54:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Or that I lead people on
[1:54:04 AM] Zachariah: EXACTLY
[1:54:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Even when I don't mean to
[1:54:12 AM] Matthew Michael: It just looks that ay
[1:54:31 AM] Zachariah: all i can do is look, matt. remember that. from here, all i can do is look.
[1:54:49 AM] Zachariah: i am a physical person
[1:55:02 AM] Zachariah: i need to be touched. to touch.
[1:55:09 AM] Zachariah: this is very difficult for me.
[1:55:19 AM] Matthew Michael: I know
[1:55:19 AM] Zachariah: as you say it is for you too
[1:55:43 AM] Zachariah: but with me it's obvious. you must be firmly aware of exactly how desperate i am to be with you
[1:56:10 AM] Zachariah: college was supposed to be my way out
[1:56:17 AM] Matthew Michael: I know that
[1:56:21 AM] Zachariah: and yours, probably
[1:57:19 AM] Matthew Michael: This sucks
[1:57:22 AM] Matthew Michael: But it doesn't
[1:57:27 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[1:57:29 AM] Zachariah: this is what i am scared of.
[1:57:31 AM] Matthew Michael: This is complicated
[1:57:36 AM] Matthew Michael: What>
[1:58:31 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[1:58:36 AM] Matthew Michael: Everything will work out
[1:58:42 AM] Zachariah: i dont want it to suck. then you will not want to talk to me.
[1:58:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Trust me
[1:58:48 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[1:58:54 AM] Matthew Michael: Then we're just living a lie
[1:58:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Tell me how you feel
[1:59:01 AM] Matthew Michael: Even if you think it won't end well
[1:59:15 AM] Matthew Michael: If you hold stuff back, it will ultimately destroy everything
[1:59:32 AM] Matthew Michael: If you have a problem with wha tI'm doing
[1:59:35 AM] Matthew Michael: Then just tell me
[1:59:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Because no matter what you can tell me
[1:59:49 AM] Matthew Michael: I'll always love you
[1:59:55 AM] Zachariah: dont say always.
[1:59:55 AM] Matthew Michael: Even if you hate me
[2:00:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Would you like me to lie to you?
[2:00:14 AM] Zachariah: i would like you to be honest with yourself.
[2:00:32 AM] Zachariah: why are you talking to me? why continue this?
[2:00:37 AM] Zachariah: ive been trying to figure that out for months
[2:00:47 AM] Zachariah: you dont need this kind of stress.
[2:01:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Then let's break it off
[2:01:08 AM] Matthew Michael: Maybe we need a break
[2:01:14 AM] Matthew Michael: But that's the last thing I want right now
[2:01:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Nether one of us wants this to end
[2:01:41 AM] Matthew Michael: And for good reason
[2:01:46 AM] Matthew Michael: We've invested alot into this
[2:01:58 AM] Zachariah: a lot of what?
[2:02:01 AM] Matthew Michael: And I'll be damned if I let someone like you go
[2:02:12 AM] Matthew Michael: A lot of time
[2:02:15 AM] Matthew Michael: Effort
[2:02:18 AM] Matthew Michael: Emotion
[2:02:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Emma...
[2:02:35 AM] Matthew Michael: Look at me
[2:02:42 AM] Matthew Michael: I love you
[2:02:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright?
[2:02:49 AM] Matthew Michael: I would love to see you
[2:02:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Trust me
[2:03:01 AM] Matthew Michael: I just can't figure out a way to do that
[2:03:04 AM] Matthew Michael: No matter what I do
[2:03:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Not yet
[2:03:11 AM] Matthew Michael: But soon
[2:03:13 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm trying
[2:03:24 AM] Matthew Michael: It's going to be about 400 dollars to just get up to PA
[2:03:27 AM] Matthew Michael: And I'm saving
[2:03:33 AM] Matthew Michael: But it's taking a while
[2:03:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[2:03:41 AM] Matthew Michael: And the time
[2:03:49 AM] Matthew Michael: This whole thing is so complicated
[2:04:01 AM] Matthew Michael: I have a headache
[2:04:06 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm sure you're worse off
[2:04:07 AM] Zachariah: that's me
[2:04:09 AM] Zachariah: no
[2:04:15 AM] Zachariah: i mean i'm the headache
[2:04:19 AM] Zachariah: *shrug*
[2:04:29 AM] Matthew Michael: No you're not
[2:04:37 AM] Zachariah: what else have i been for you?
[2:04:38 AM] Matthew Michael: The 1000 miles between us is
[2:04:43 AM] Zachariah: 1200
[2:04:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Too much
[2:05:03 AM] Zachariah: it's not fair
[2:05:14 AM] Zachariah: can we regress back to children and just complain like that?
[2:05:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Sure
[2:05:58 AM] Matthew Michael: I can throw a temper tantrum if you would like
[2:06:01 AM] Matthew Michael: If it would make you feel better
[2:06:06 AM] Matthew Michael: Just all over Andrews bed
[2:06:10 AM] Matthew Michael: He's not even here
[2:06:12 AM] Matthew Michael: Homo
[2:06:16 AM] Zachariah: lol
[2:06:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
[2:06:25 AM] Matthew Michael: This whoule thine will work out
[2:06:28 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[2:06:29 AM] Zachariah: how?
[2:06:38 AM] Zachariah: if you make a promise like that...
[2:06:48 AM] Zachariah: you gotta be prepared to back it up
[2:06:59 AM] Zachariah: how can this possibly work out?
[2:07:04 AM] Matthew Michael: It will
[2:07:05 AM] Zachariah: i dont like to think about it
[2:07:07 AM] Matthew Michael: These things always do
[2:07:11 AM] Zachariah: but maybe we should.
[2:07:21 AM] Zachariah: "these things"?
[2:07:31 AM] Zachariah: how many of "these things" have you been in b4?
[2:09:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey
[2:09:35 AM] Matthew Michael: So I'm back
[2:09:39 AM] Matthew Michael: But I have to do homework
[2:09:39 AM] Matthew Michael: So
[2:09:41 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[2:09:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Just FYI
[2:09:48 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm still here, though
[2:09:49 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
[2:09:53 AM] Matthew Michael: What else is on your mind
[2:09:58 AM] Matthew Michael: Talk to me
[2:10:02 AM] Matthew Michael: I never get to talk to you
[2:10:07 AM] Zachariah: what you said
[2:10:11 AM] Zachariah: a few nights ago
[2:10:29 AM] Zachariah: we were talking about pretty much the same thing... how could this possibly work out
[2:10:48 AM] Zachariah: and you said, "we meet. it will be perfect. then one of us will cave and transfer."
[2:10:59 AM] Zachariah: it's not going to happen that way. and you know it.
[2:11:19 AM] Zachariah: i want so badly for us to be perfect, for it to feel amazing to be with you face to face
[2:11:33 AM] Zachariah: but at the same time, if we met up and it didn't click...
[2:11:38 AM] Zachariah: wouldn't that be better?
[2:11:49 AM] Zachariah: than walking away from the one i love?
[2:11:57 AM] Zachariah: once i am with you...
[2:12:05 AM] Zachariah: i don't know that i will want to let you go.
[2:12:18 AM] Matthew Michael: Who knows
[2:12:22 AM] Matthew Michael: It's impossible to day
[2:12:23 AM] Matthew Michael: say*
[2:12:25 AM] Matthew Michael: But
[2:12:32 AM] Zachariah: but it's plausible to discuss the possibilities.
[2:12:37 AM] Matthew Michael: I have a sneaking suspistion that it'll be awesome
[2:12:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Just between you and me
[2:12:46 AM] Zachariah: ok
[2:13:00 AM] Zachariah: well that leads us back to the main reason i brought this up
[2:13:11 AM] Zachariah: awesome. we're awesome. then what?
[2:13:17 AM] Zachariah: then nothing.
[2:13:23 AM] Zachariah: we're back where we started
[2:13:30 AM] Zachariah: except now we are positive that we love each other
[2:13:41 AM] Zachariah: and we've had a taste of how it feels to be in each others' arms
[2:13:53 AM] Zachariah: won't it be all the more painful to split then?
[2:14:18 AM] Matthew Michael: Probably
[2:14:24 AM] Zachariah: im sorry i have been so serious lately
[2:14:31 AM] Matthew Michael: It's sort of like, we're damned if we do, and we're damned if we don't
[2:14:36 AM] Zachariah: exactly
[2:14:40 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't care
[2:14:41 AM] Zachariah: so which is the lesser of two evils?
[2:14:46 AM] Matthew Michael: You can be crazy like a fox for all I care
[2:14:48 AM] Matthew Michael: Do what you want
[2:14:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Do what makes you happy
[2:14:54 AM] Matthew Michael: That's my motto
[2:14:57 AM] Matthew Michael: Well, one of them
[2:14:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Look
[2:15:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Shit happends
[2:15:05 AM] Matthew Michael: We'll just ride it out
[2:15:07 AM] Matthew Michael: And it'll be fine
[2:15:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't worry
[2:15:18 AM] Matthew Michael: It'll only make you feel worse
[2:15:21 AM] Zachariah: how can you sit there and tell me not to worry?
[2:15:30 AM] Zachariah: aren't you worried? ever?
[2:15:44 AM] Zachariah: or is the nonchalance truly your deepest feeling?
[2:16:21 AM] Matthew Michael: It's complicated
[2:16:24 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just
[2:16:27 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[2:16:32 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't really worry about stuff
[2:16:33 AM] Matthew Michael: I guess
[2:16:36 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[2:16:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Nothing really get's to me
[2:16:52 AM] Zachariah: nothing?
[2:16:57 AM] Zachariah: that's frightening.
[2:17:15 AM] Zachariah: is that how you can compartmentalize your life?
[2:17:54 AM] Zachariah: ?
[2:18:28 AM] Matthew Michael: What?
[2:18:31 AM] Zachariah: what'd you do?
[2:18:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Compartmentalize
[2:18:36 AM] Zachariah: oh
[2:18:37 AM] Zachariah: yeah
[2:18:43 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm not a phyc major like you
[2:18:45 AM] Matthew Michael: Or whatever oyu are
[2:18:49 AM] Zachariah: fuck you
[2:18:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Neurosicence
[2:18:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Whatever
[2:18:57 AM] Matthew Michael: You don't even know my major
[2:19:06 AM] Zachariah: computer engineering
[2:19:21 AM] Zachariah: compartmentalize:
[2:19:34 AM] Zachariah: to divide one's life into nice, neat, SEPARATED compartments
[2:21:10 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't split things up
[2:21:16 AM] Matthew Michael: That's for gays and women
[2:21:16 AM] Zachariah: bullshit
[2:21:23 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[2:21:30 AM] Zachariah: "skype girl"
[2:21:31 AM] Matthew Michael: I just deal with things in a much chllier manner
[2:21:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[2:21:36 AM] Zachariah: not mad, just making a point
[2:21:43 AM] Matthew Michael: htat's how Andrew thinks of oyu
[2:21:48 AM] Matthew Michael: He doesn't understand that you're a real person
[2:21:51 AM] Matthew Michael: With a name
[2:22:01 AM] Zachariah: isn't he the only person that even knows i exist? besides your sister?
[2:23:28 AM] Matthew Michael: No
[2:23:31 AM] Matthew Michael: SNIGS
[2:23:39 AM] Zachariah: you suck.
[2:23:43 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn straight
[2:23:51 AM] Zachariah: boys that want to screw me know that you are the reason they cant
[2:24:06 AM] Zachariah: people i barely talk to know your name.
[2:24:14 AM] Matthew Michael: Really?
[2:24:16 AM] Zachariah: i am terrible at keeping you a secret
[2:24:22 AM] Matthew Michael: What do you tell them?
[2:24:55 AM] Zachariah:
"I'm in love with this perfect guy. and for some unknown reason, he loves me too.
here's the catch..."
[2:25:02 AM] Zachariah: "...hes 1200 miles away."
[2:25:11 AM] Zachariah: that's what i tell people.
[2:25:31 AM] Zachariah: whenever i look sad or preoccupied, my roomates ask what happened with you
[2:25:49 AM] Matthew Michael: With me?
[2:25:52 AM] Matthew Michael: Really
[2:25:55 AM] Matthew Michael: They ask that?
[2:25:59 AM] Matthew Michael: About me
[2:25:59 AM] Zachariah: yeah
[2:26:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Wow
[2:26:07 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm touched
[2:26:18 AM] Zachariah: really?
[2:26:20 AM] Zachariah: i cant tell.
[2:26:22 AM] Zachariah: oh wait.
[2:26:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Fo rly?
[2:26:29 AM] Matthew Michael: Fo rly rly?
[2:26:32 AM] Zachariah: ...burn?
[2:26:37 AM] Matthew Michael: I don't know
[2:26:38 AM] Matthew Michael: What
[2:26:39 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm lost
[2:26:40 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm tired
[2:26:45 AM] Zachariah: dont go
[2:26:47 AM] Matthew Michael: I need to finish this homework
[2:26:47 AM] Matthew Michael: Brb
[2:29:06 AM] Matthew Michael: You can tlak to me
[2:29:10 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just going to be in and out
[2:29:29 AM] Zachariah: well, if you wont focus on me, then i wont focus on you. i have homework too.
[2:29:49 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh sure
[2:29:54 AM] Matthew Michael: Phyc hoemwork
[2:29:57 AM] Zachariah: philos
[2:30:00 AM] Zachariah: not psych
[2:30:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Try not to over load yourself
[2:30:01 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh
[2:30:03 AM] Matthew Michael: My bad
[2:30:05 AM] Matthew Michael: So much work
[2:30:07 AM] Zachariah: it's heavy shit
[2:30:10 AM] Matthew Michael: You poor thing
[2:30:11 AM] Zachariah: jerk
[2:30:11 AM] Matthew Michael: Sure
[2:30:15 AM] Zachariah: Try fucking Calc
[2:30:17 AM] Zachariah: and i had chem lab for 3 hours today
[2:30:23 AM] Zachariah: and calc is tomorrow
[2:30:23 AM] Matthew Michael: I have to tomorrow
[2:30:26 AM] Matthew Michael: FOREVER
[2:30:27 AM] Matthew Michael: BWAHAHAHAa
[2:30:29 AM] Zachariah: so stoppit.
[2:30:31 AM] Matthew Michael: I WILL ALWAYS WIN
[2:30:31 AM] Zachariah: jerk
[2:30:32 AM] Matthew Michael: ALWAYS
[2:30:34 AM] Matthew Michael: I love oyu
[2:30:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Kiss me
(I jokingly blow him a kiss...)
[2:30:54 AM] Matthew Michael: That's the stuff
[2:30:58 AM] Zachariah: hostess?
[2:31:04 AM] Matthew Michael: Gawd
[2:31:05 AM] Matthew Michael: So hawt
[2:31:09 AM] Matthew Michael: I WANTS MOAR!
[2:31:13 AM] Matthew Michael: GIVES THEM TO MES!
[2:31:14 AM] Zachariah: I'LL SHOW YOU HOT
[2:31:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh baby
[2:31:25 AM] Zachariah: that got your attention
[2:31:29 AM] Matthew Michael: Go on...
[2:31:30 AM] Matthew Michael: You have
[2:31:35 AM] Matthew Michael: Come on...
[2:31:41 AM] Zachariah: i will show you hot.
[2:31:43 AM] Zachariah: in person.
[2:31:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn it
[2:31:48 AM] Zachariah: nah
[2:31:49 AM] Zachariah: jk
[2:31:50 AM] Matthew Michael: You little flirt
[2:31:54 AM] Zachariah: im incapable of hot
[2:31:57 AM] Zachariah: or sexy
[2:31:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Back to math
[2:32:00 AM] Zachariah: im just clumsy
[2:33:46 AM] Zachariah: my homework is entertaining
[2:34:27 AM] Matthew Michael: Lies
[2:34:30 AM] Matthew Michael: Nothing beats math
[2:34:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Math is awesome
[2:34:35 AM] Zachariah: "A man may be entitled to read an obscene book in his room, or expose himself indecently there, or masturbate, or flog himself, it that is possible, or what have you."
[2:34:45 AM] Zachariah: hahaha
[2:34:46 AM] Matthew Michael: What?
[2:34:50 AM] Matthew Michael: That's crazy
[2:34:50 AM] Zachariah: obscenity law
[2:34:52 AM] Matthew Michael: Math is awesome
[2:34:52 AM] Zachariah: mad entertaining
[2:34:59 AM] Matthew Michael: It is
[2:35:03 AM] Matthew Michael: It makes sense
[2:35:12 AM] Matthew Michael: Anything can be explained with it
[2:35:16 AM] Zachariah: no
[2:35:17 AM] Matthew Michael: Almost
[2:35:21 AM] Matthew Michael: Name anything
[2:35:26 AM] Matthew Michael: I bet I can relate it to math
[2:35:27 AM] Zachariah: you.
[2:35:34 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[2:35:43 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm easy
[2:35:54 AM] Matthew Michael: 18
[2:35:56 AM] Matthew Michael: There
[2:35:59 AM] Matthew Michael: Now
[2:36:00 AM] Zachariah: that's a number
[2:36:02 AM] Zachariah: that's not math
[2:36:05 AM] Matthew Michael: What part of me do you want me to explain?
[2:36:06 AM] Zachariah: and it doesn't explain you
[2:36:16 AM] Zachariah: the part that i dont understand
[2:36:50 AM] Matthew Michael: You're crazy
[2:36:59 AM] Zachariah: OVER YOU!!!
[2:37:00 AM] Zachariah: OH BABY
[2:37:01 AM] Zachariah: GAWD
[2:37:05 AM] Zachariah: SO SEXY
[2:37:09 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn right
[2:37:20 AM] Matthew Michael: Hey
[2:37:20 AM] Zachariah: see? i don't even understand you, and you've rubbed off on me
[2:37:22 AM] Matthew Michael: You
[2:37:26 AM] Zachariah: what?
[2:37:26 AM] Matthew Michael: haha
[2:37:28 AM] Matthew Michael: There we go
[2:37:32 AM] Matthew Michael: Now my plan is working
[2:37:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Soon you'll be just like me!
[2:37:38 AM] Matthew Michael: Bwahahaha
[2:37:40 AM] Zachariah: i cant be
[2:37:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Then you won't care about anything
[2:37:51 AM] Zachariah: so that is you?
[2:37:53 AM] Matthew Michael: It's pretty crazy
[2:37:54 AM] Matthew Michael: nah
[2:37:56 AM] Zachariah: you just don't care.
[2:37:57 AM] Matthew Michael: I care about stuff
[2:38:01 AM] Matthew Michael: I'm just much more reserved
[2:38:02 AM] Zachariah: like what?
[2:54:28 AM] Zachariah: twitch!!!
[2:59:15 AM] Zachariah: Matt
(I held up a piece of paper that said "I LOVE YOU" on it)
[2:59:24 AM] Matthew Michael: Yo
[2:59:25 AM] Matthew Michael: What's up
[2:59:37 AM] Matthew Michael: Thanks
[2:59:39 AM] Matthew Michael: Wha?
[2:59:40 AM] Matthew Michael: Why
[2:59:42 AM] Matthew Michael: I like it
[2:59:44 AM] Matthew Michael: Alot
[2:59:46 AM] Zachariah: you rejected my love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[2:59:47 AM] Zachariah: lol
[2:59:49 AM] Matthew Michael: I love you too
[2:59:52 AM] Matthew Michael: No I didn't
[2:59:56 AM] Matthew Michael: I took it
[3:00:01 AM] Zachariah: lol
[3:00:10 AM] Zachariah: I love you so much
[3:07:43 AM] Zachariah:
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
I'll pretend That I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.
[3:08:04 AM] Zachariah: the beatles?
[3:08:09 AM] Matthew Michael: Very nice
[3:08:10 AM] Matthew Michael: I approve
[3:08:22 AM] Matthew Michael: Don't be mad, but I don't check your blog
[3:08:24 AM] Matthew Michael: I lost the link
[3:08:26 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[3:08:29 AM] Zachariah: I'm glad you don't, honestly
[3:08:33 AM] Zachariah: especially lately
[3:08:33 AM] Matthew Michael: Oh, alright
[3:08:37 AM] Matthew Michael: I thought you might be mad
[3:08:41 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[3:08:45 AM] Zachariah: lol Thom checks it every day
[3:08:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Phew
[3:08:49 AM] Zachariah: i have one follower
[3:08:50 AM] Zachariah: :P
[3:08:51 AM] Matthew Michael: Haha
[3:08:53 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[3:08:55 AM] Matthew Michael: Yeah
[3:08:58 AM] Matthew Michael: I had it
[3:09:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Then I forgot to save it
[3:09:04 AM] Zachariah: matt
[3:09:06 AM] Matthew Michael: And now it's gone
[3:09:08 AM] Zachariah: i love you
[3:09:10 AM] Matthew Michael: Muh bad
[3:09:11 AM] Zachariah: relax.
[3:09:12 AM] Matthew Michael: Damn straight
[3:12:00 AM] Matthew Michael: Finished Calc
[3:12:02 AM] Matthew Michael: Brb
[3:12:03 AM] Matthew Michael: Teeth
[3:12:09 AM] Zachariah: ok
[3:13:24 AM] Zachariah: there's only 1 thing 2 do, 3 words 4 you: i love you.
[3:13:29 AM] Zachariah: do you like the plain white t's?
[3:14:25 AM] Matthew Michael: Alright
[3:14:32 AM] Zachariah: alright,
[3:14:35 AM] Matthew Michael: So
[3:14:38 AM] Matthew Michael: I need to go to bed
[3:14:44 AM] Matthew Michael: Chem stuff tomorrow
[3:14:45 AM] Matthew Michael: So
[3:14:46 AM] Matthew Michael: Nighty night
[3:14:47 AM] Matthew Michael: Grrl
[3:14:50 AM] Matthew Michael: Talk to you later
[3:14:58 AM] Zachariah: goodnight, honey
[3:15:21 AM] Matthew Michael: Sorry
[3:15:23 AM] Matthew Michael: Distracted
[3:15:26 AM] Matthew Michael: P.S. I love you
[3:15:28 AM] Matthew Michael: Nighty night
[3:15:30 AM] *** Call ended ***
Monday, September 14, 2009
Procrastinating.
Should be doing 2 essays that are due tomorrow.
Instead, I have been facebook-ing and youtube-ing.
I really want to cover 1234 by the Plain White T's.
anyway,
recent work...
...will be posted as soon as youtube is up again. Maintenance and whatnot.
Instead, I have been facebook-ing and youtube-ing.
I really want to cover 1234 by the Plain White T's.
anyway,
recent work...
...will be posted as soon as youtube is up again. Maintenance and whatnot.
Mike = Thom
Fuck.
On our little walk tonight,
Mike admitted that he has strong feelings for me. And that it will be difficult for him to get over me.
He's basically Thom, when Thom and I first met.
Mike asked me tonight, "What is so special about this Matt guy that you speak so highly of?"
I asked him, "What was so special about your last girlfriend?"
He said, "oh. I understand. There's no way to answer that."
"Exactly."
And so the conversation went for over 2 hours.
I was missing Matt so badly tonight. I just wanted to lean on Mike for support. I wanted to feel protected, safe. I needed someone to hold me. And I couldn't ask that of Mike, for obvious reasons.
I long for human contact. Physical touch. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it will be alright soon enough.
***
On a side note, I am planning to visit Windraker on my own. Columbus Day weekend, if I can raise the money, I will be going to visit Windy in Brooklyn. I haven't told Matt or Thom yet. I am not sure I will. If Thom is still reading this blog, then he will know soon enough. Matt... well I don't know if I will tell Matt at all.
***
I got to talk to Matt tonight. Normally, that would be a great thing. Tonight, however, is an exception. I told him about my troubles with Mike. Then he asked me to tell him more, and sounded a bit jealous - he asked if I "like" Mike. I told him the truth - of course I don't have feelings for Mike.
Then Matt said he feels bad about telling me about girls, but he is in a similarly awful situation with some chicks.
Apparently he was talking to one girl, and she really liked him. And he went and slept with that girl's best friend. And it has just escalated since then. He has damaged/destroyed a handful of very tight relationships in very little time.
Well, that's great.
I have always known he must be screwing around. I know we are both allowed to. But I no longer have any desire to, because I am so in love with Matt, and so no one else seems to be even worth screwing. Plus, if I screwed around with someone, how awful would that make Mike feel?
Anyway, I could ignore the fact, and pretend it wasn't true, but now he has said it to my face. I can no longer ignore it. I must face and accept the fact that he is screwing other girls.
It hurts.
But it is not a surprise.
And it does not sting as much as my deepest fear:
That he will find a girl there that is worth more to him than sex - worth more, even, than any internet love.
I promise that I won't fall in love with anyone else. Not while you are in my heart.
So go ahead, Matt. Screw as many chicks as you'd like. But don't fall for any of them, ok?
***
New Song Choice:
"All My Loving" by the Beatles
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
I'll pretend That I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you:
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you
All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving darling I'll be True.
All my loving All my loving
All my loving I will send to you
On our little walk tonight,
Mike admitted that he has strong feelings for me. And that it will be difficult for him to get over me.
He's basically Thom, when Thom and I first met.
Mike asked me tonight, "What is so special about this Matt guy that you speak so highly of?"
I asked him, "What was so special about your last girlfriend?"
He said, "oh. I understand. There's no way to answer that."
"Exactly."
And so the conversation went for over 2 hours.
I was missing Matt so badly tonight. I just wanted to lean on Mike for support. I wanted to feel protected, safe. I needed someone to hold me. And I couldn't ask that of Mike, for obvious reasons.
I long for human contact. Physical touch. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it will be alright soon enough.
***
On a side note, I am planning to visit Windraker on my own. Columbus Day weekend, if I can raise the money, I will be going to visit Windy in Brooklyn. I haven't told Matt or Thom yet. I am not sure I will. If Thom is still reading this blog, then he will know soon enough. Matt... well I don't know if I will tell Matt at all.
***
I got to talk to Matt tonight. Normally, that would be a great thing. Tonight, however, is an exception. I told him about my troubles with Mike. Then he asked me to tell him more, and sounded a bit jealous - he asked if I "like" Mike. I told him the truth - of course I don't have feelings for Mike.
Then Matt said he feels bad about telling me about girls, but he is in a similarly awful situation with some chicks.
Apparently he was talking to one girl, and she really liked him. And he went and slept with that girl's best friend. And it has just escalated since then. He has damaged/destroyed a handful of very tight relationships in very little time.
Well, that's great.
I have always known he must be screwing around. I know we are both allowed to. But I no longer have any desire to, because I am so in love with Matt, and so no one else seems to be even worth screwing. Plus, if I screwed around with someone, how awful would that make Mike feel?
Anyway, I could ignore the fact, and pretend it wasn't true, but now he has said it to my face. I can no longer ignore it. I must face and accept the fact that he is screwing other girls.
It hurts.
But it is not a surprise.
And it does not sting as much as my deepest fear:
That he will find a girl there that is worth more to him than sex - worth more, even, than any internet love.
I promise that I won't fall in love with anyone else. Not while you are in my heart.
So go ahead, Matt. Screw as many chicks as you'd like. But don't fall for any of them, ok?
***
New Song Choice:
"All My Loving" by the Beatles
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
I'll pretend That I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you:
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you
All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving darling I'll be True.
All my loving All my loving
All my loving I will send to you
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Devil's Pool
***I FOUND MY CLADDAGH RING!!***
I had been pretty upset last night after realizing it was lost, and I was trying to accept the fact that every time I was feeling anxious, I would (out of habit) touch the place on my finger where the ring had been, and then feel even worse because I would be missing my ring, my source of comfort.
and then when I was doing my laundry, I found the ring at the bottom of the washing machine!!
Best surprise I could have gotten tonight, aside from Matt showing up at my door.
***
Went with Mike and Scott to devil's pool.
Pretty sweet place. It was a scary jump, but fun. The temperature of the air was perfect - not too hot, but not too cold. The water, however, was freezing.
I actually didn't think about Matt the whole time I was there with them. That's new for me.
Some pics:
Mike and Scott
Me and Scott
Scott watching my struggle up the rock face.
Mike's Matrix Jump
Scott's jump
Yeah.
Mike's Jump
My Jump ^_^
Mike about to push Scott in.
Too bad Scott turned around before Mike got the chance..
Me
haha idk... Mike's crazy.
lol
I had been pretty upset last night after realizing it was lost, and I was trying to accept the fact that every time I was feeling anxious, I would (out of habit) touch the place on my finger where the ring had been, and then feel even worse because I would be missing my ring, my source of comfort.
and then when I was doing my laundry, I found the ring at the bottom of the washing machine!!
Best surprise I could have gotten tonight, aside from Matt showing up at my door.
***
Went with Mike and Scott to devil's pool.
Pretty sweet place. It was a scary jump, but fun. The temperature of the air was perfect - not too hot, but not too cold. The water, however, was freezing.
I actually didn't think about Matt the whole time I was there with them. That's new for me.
Some pics:
Mike and Scott
Me and Scott
Scott watching my struggle up the rock face.
Mike's Matrix Jump
Scott's jump
Yeah.
Mike's Jump
My Jump ^_^
Mike about to push Scott in.
Too bad Scott turned around before Mike got the chance..
Me
haha idk... Mike's crazy.
lol
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