Oh Jesus.

Shit. Damn. Fuck.

Mike DEFINITELY has feelings for me.

He keeps trying to hang out with me...
Not in the "friend" kind of way.
He usually texts me 5 minutes before, asking if I want to go get something to eat with him and his roommate.
Now he is texting me, asking if I want to get dinner with him "sometime this week" and asking when I will be free this week.
Not good.
I even ran into him at the student center, and I didn't know what to say...

And he's been texting me consistently for the past 2 hours, asking what I am doing. I told him I am planning on reading all night.
He asked if he could join me. Who gets together to READ?
So I told him no. I want a quiet night. I'm not even sure what that means, but it seemed to work.
Then he texted me and said that he was going to turn off his phone for the night to get some work done, but he had some "parting words":
"You're difficult to understand...it's interesting..."

>_< he thinks I am sending mixed messages.
It's my fault.
After we got baked two nights ago, I crashed in his bed... with him. We didn't mess around (we both still had all of our clothing on!!), just slept.
But I think he thinks I have feelings for him...
goddammit.



***
It doesn't matter.
I talked to Matt on skype tonight. Every time we talk, I feel better, then worse, then better... and then later I feel worse again. That boy can reassure me on all my doubts about him, or he can add to my confusion and constant wondering.
He tends to do both a few times over the course of a single conversation.
Tonight, he did it again.

His roommate mentioned some "other skype girlfriend" named Abby, in front of me. And, of course, I had to be jealous when some other girl was mentioned (as if Matt isn't out every other night picking up girls). So I asked Matt. He told me to think of her as his version of Thom. He knew her in Memphis, and she was a close friend. I felt better after he told me that, but what really made me feel better was when his roommate said that Abby was ugly.
Girls will always be competing with each other to be the more attractive looking one, I guess. Not that I have much to offer. >_<


Anyway, he told me that he loves me, for like, the millionth time. And I felt better. he also mentioned that he was looking into prices for bus tickets (from his college to mine, to come meet me)... and even though I highly doubt he would ever actually come up here... it still made me very happy to hear that he was even thinking about meeting up with me.



And yet, it is inevitable that very soon I will start worrying and doubting again.
And - truthfully - I WAS gradually starting to think about Matt less (but I think one of the main reasons for that is that for the past few nights I have been either drunk or stoned out of my mind. so most things in my mind were pretty blurry).

But after talking to him again... after seeing his face again.. I miss him just as much as before. Maybe more. I love him. And it's not fair.
***

However, it's beginning to show that the college life is changing him. It is affecting him the way I had hoped it would affect us BOTH: he is losing interest in this skype relationship-thing (It's NOT a relationship. But I don't know what to call it. I hate it, because, if we were together, like if we went to the same college or something, it probably would be a relationship.I would give up all of my crazy drunken adventures to be his girlfriend. But neither of us would ever do something as stupid as "dating online" or whatever. We're not dumb enough to think that it would work out, the long-distance thing. It is the most horrible feeling, knowing that it could be something great, if only we were closer.)


Equally depressing is that I know that Matt reads my blog.
But I don't care. I don't know when he will get around to reading this specific entry, but when he does... well, when you do, Matt... I do love you.
I wish your blog was actually composed of... oh hell, I don't know, maybe your thoughts and feelings?
I guess I just have to accept that I will never know what you are REALLY thinking...