Let's see, I am 18, I am female. My name is not really Zachariah, but my ...."nom de plume" is Zachariah, which has a short story behind it that involves a crush in middle school, and I am not going to get into the details.
I just graduated high school this past June, and I am about to enter Temple University (in 8 days!) for my secondary education.
I am posting a pic of myself, so there's no real need to go into detail about my commonplace exterior (which seems inconsequential on the internet, anyway)...
(if you've read this far, it is now time to pull out faster than a guy losing his virginity without a condom - seriously, run. it only gets more boring from here on out.)
*sigh* for all those who did not heed my warning, I guess I will jump right into my story:
I am not going to tell it from the beginning, I am just going to pick up on it from about 2 years ago... I don't think anything further back than that has affected my life as drastically as the events in the past few years have.
In my sophomore year of highschool, I met a boy. His name was Tyler. He was a year younger than me. He was absolutely beautiful: he had dark curly hair that I loved to run my fingers through, and a smile that could make me blush every time I saw it. He was protective, but carefree. Tender, but strong. The long and the short of it is that we fell in love. We dated for 1.5 years and he was my first love. He was my first for other things, too... I won't go into detail, but I am just making it clear that we shared a fairly deep connection, for high schoolers. Anyway, we were happy for a long time.
Then spring came, my junior year. Things started to go downhill after Prom. We fought more often than we used to. he grew jealous of every guy I spoke to, and on top of it, I started hanging out with a new group of friends - mostly older guys. We were both at fault, both jealous of each other, both growing more insecure about the relationship with every day that passed.
The situation came to a climax on a warm afternoon in... May? I think. (I have a terrible memory for dates and times). Well, after school ended, I accepted a ride home from school with one of my guy friends, and Tyler saw me getting into the car with him.
He was furious. He showed up at my house when I got dropped off, and screamed and pushed me and chased me inside my house. He threw me down on a couch and stood over me, accusing me of cheating on him and lying and plenty of other things. I couldn't help it... I burst out crying and pleading with him to back off, leave me alone. He wouldn't. I felt like a cornered animal. He chased me through my house, eventually cornering me again, and, in his rage, hit me across the face. My sister and her guy friend were in another room and heard the commotion. This friend grabbed Tyler and threw him out of the house. My sister and I ran to her car and drove away, with me still sobbing and in shock at what had just happened.
Anyway, he apologized a million times. I finally forgave him. Then I tried to fix things. Everyone discouraged me. He found a new girl. I made some mistakes with some unimportant guys. I ended up in therapy for a short time at the end of the summer.
And then I moved on.
***
It was difficult - being alone again for the first time in almost 2 years.
For a while I was numb. Then I started dating again, picking up interest in guys... None of them made a real impression on me.
The person who helped me get through that summer, and survive even to this point in my life, a whole year later, was Thom. Yes, tHom. He spells it that way. I think he believes it makes him unique. It doesn't. He was one of the guys that I became friends with right around the time Tyler and I broke up. And we grew to be best friends. He took care of me...
...most of the time.
See, the problem was, he fell in love with me. I didn't reciprocate. It's difficult to be best friends with someone who wants more than that, just as it is difficult to be in love with someone who only wants to be best friends. I understood his difficulty, and I pitied him.
We made some mistakes (HE will never call them "mistakes"), because I was lonely and he was in love. But we've gotten past that, too.
He moved on. We are still friends, but he doesn't want me in the same way.
So, that brings you up to date for the beginning of this summer.
Now for this summer.
Thom is a crazy computer nerd. (I know very little about computers, I am more of a biology kind of person. But that fact about Thom is relevant to this story, I promise.)
So, he likes to teach me about computers, and introduce me to new websites, games, anything really.
In January, He introduced me to Team Fortress 2 (a Valve game, launched through Steam), and the -SNiGS- clan.
*The -SNiGS- clan plays Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead together*
For more info or whatever, go to www.snigsclan.com
I love the game TF2, and I loved the guys in -SNiGS-
So I started playing with them. Thom introduced me to some of his -SNiGS- friends, the ones he regularly spoke with and played TF2 with on the -SNiGS- servers.
That's how I met Jester.
Jester. Or Matt. He prefers Matt when I talk to him outside of TF2.
Well, I liked him instantly. We started talking through skype and webcamming in early June. He was funny, cute, and sweet. At some point during our late-night conversations across the interwebs, I fell for him. I fell in love with his smile, the way he sporadically ran his hands through his hair when he was talking to me, the look in his eyes when he teased me. I loved that he could make me smile without even trying (and I know how corny and cliched this all sounds.).
The best part? He says he LOVES me.
The worst part? He SAYS he loves me.
So, as you can see, there isn't necessarily a "happily ever after" in the cards for this blooming romance or whatever.
*Also, even if he is telling me the truth, even if he truly does care for me as I do for him - we have 1200 miles between us.*
It can never be easy, can it?
Well, he just moved into college a little more than a week ago, and our late-night webcamming sessions have been interrupted/cut short/skipped altogether quite often since then. Don't get me wrong, I understand completely. It still sucks.
He understood, and then gave me his cell number, but told me never to use it unless I really needed to talk to him about something, and never text him, because he doesn't have texting on his plan. Which I, in turn, understood, because long-distance calls cost a lot of money.
For the past 2 months, I have been trying to come up with ways to meet up with him in person. He promised me he would come visit me over a break from school - maybe winter break, maybe not until next summer.
I don't want to wait that long.
I CAN'T wait that long.
My newest plan is to take a train/plane to visit him at his college over one of the long weekends coming up. I'm still deliberating, though. It will be expensive. And I still haven't even run it by him yet.
***
Well, when we first started talking, I asked him if he was a virgin. He said yes. I trusted him, and it was pretty believable based on the religiousness of the region he is from.
Well, as my previous sentence implied... he lied. He admitted a few nights ago that he's not a virgin - he's not exactly experienced, but he's NOT a virgin. He apparently knows it makes girls feel more comfortable if he tells them he's a virgin. He nonchalantly mentioned that he sometimes feels that making girls want him is becoming too easy. He basically admitted to being a manipulative jerk. I couldn't understand how, in a few short sentences, he had completely metamorphosized before my eyes. My opinions about him were all wrong. He wasn't innocent. He was more like me than I had ever imagined he could be. I was shocked.
He said," wow, I just realized how much of a dick I must sound like to you,"
And I still didn't care...I still loved him.. I was just more insecure and doubted his sincerity with me.
I wondered what other important things he had lied to me about. I wondered if he truly meant it when he told me he loved me.
So I asked him.
He looked me straight in the eyes (which is difficult to do through a webcam) and said, "Emma, I Love You." He said that he never lied about that.
I really felt like it was true. I wanted so badly for it to be true. And at first it sounded true. Then, as the minutes ticked by, that secure feeling was slowly replaced by my fear and doubt... I couldn't shake the feeling that he could lie any time he wanted to, and I would believe it in my naivete...
Not much later, he had to go to bed (classes the next day). *Sidenote - every time he signed off, he would write "P.S. I Love You" in the textbox just before exiting skype.
That night, he didn't.
I couldn't understand it.
I cried my eyes out in Thom's arms.
***
Later that night, I got a text.
It contained only four words:
"P.S. I Love You"
I cried even harder.
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