Storms and Boredom...

So...

I woke up very late today.

Then I hung out for a while.
Didn't do much.


Hmmm.. helped my dad grill. That was cool. We bonded. I have been kind of a bitch to him for the past few... weeks.
So I'm glad I did that with him.


My parents went on that "Dream Ride" motorcycle ride thing - I went with my dad last year, so it was my mother's turn, this year. They rode together on my dad's motorcycle, and Cherie and her father and mother were there too. (Cherie's parents both own motorcycles, so she rode on her father's.). My mother said Cherie was asking about me, and worrying that I wouldn'd call her or hang with her before I left for college. It's crazy, really. Of course I want to see my best girl friend - I love her and I am going to miss her. So I called her and we hung out tonight.



We were planning to go to the fair to see the fireworks. It got rained out, so instead we went to Walmart and picked up some college stuff (I will never be done shopping for college, and yet I will still be forgetting something, I'm sure.). When we got back, we found out the fireworks did happen, after all. Oh well. It's probably better this way. I didn't have to see all those people from school that I won't see again for a long time.

Then Cherie and I watched "Notting Hill" - I haven't seen that movie in years. I still love it, but this time I noticed something new... Hugh Grant actually reminds me of Pat. Pat was a guy I was interested in at the end of the school year and the beginning of summer - before Matt happened.
It didn't work out between us, I'm not really sure what happened, we just kind of settled into the 'friends' thing. I think we were both really awkward together, it just wasn't meant to be, or something. Anyway, yeah, Hugh Grant in "Notting Hill" is exactly like Pat.

Actually, new thought - Pat reads this blog. Hi Pat! I hope you don't mind me posting a picture of you. If you do, just tell me.




***

Moving on...





I realized tonight (well, kind of last night)... this Matt thing is not going to work out.

Our conversation - if you can call it a conversation - was so...lacking.
It shouldn't even be considered a conversation.

The first thing he even said to me (through text - we use skype, but we don't even talk through webcam anymore.) was "Hey, did you text me today?"

It turned out that after he got his new phone, he didn't have any contacts saved in it yet, and his friend, Zach, texted him. He thought I was using my Steam name.

Anyway, he sent me a couple of messages after that, I answered him, but it was very...strained.
It felt like we were making conversation because we had to, not because we wanted to.
I actually wanted to go play TF2 more than sit there and talk with him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, Internet, I want to talk to him, but it feels like he never wants to talk to me, he just does it out of ... I don't know ... obligation?

so, then he left for a while, and I played TF2 for about an hour before he came back and tried to enter back into conversation. It dragged on for another half an hour before he finally went to bed.

Even then, he had to add insult to injury - I know it is stereotypical for women to overanalyze harmless things that men say, but this really took the cake.

First and foremost - he has been the one to say "I love you" first, lately.
He didn't, last night (or maybe I didn't give him the chance to, but the following convinces me otherwise).

I waited for him to say it, but he didn't. So I did.
When I said, "I love you"
He said, "Right back at ya"

SERIOUSLY? WTF, MAN?!
I get it, sometimes he doesn't know when he upsets me - so I shot back, "wow. really?"
and he claimed he was just trying to mix things up. it felt more like he didn't want to use the 'L' word. Which is fine, if that's how he feels - but goddamn it, be upfront about it!

He did say "I love you too" eventually. But only after I prompted him. I hate prompting someone to say something as important and weighty as that. I won't do it again. And I also refuse to initiate any more conversations with him. If he wants to talk to me, he can. I won't stay up waiting for him, either. Hell, he's online on skype right now (and has been for the past 2 hours), and he hasn't said one word to me! So screw that.

I love him. I miss him. I want to be with him.
But not if I'm the only one who feels that way.
I am too good to be the go-to girl. I won't be his online ego-boost.

If he loves me, he can show me. I hate to ask for proof, but it feels like that's my only option. I won't put my heart into this without at least a receipt.