Uneventful.

Well, despite my best efforts to fix my sleeping schedule for school... I slept until 3 today.

All signs point to depressed, I'm afraid.
I never sleep this much unless I am depressed for long periods of time. My mother has noticed too, and she knows why.

There's not much I can do, except look ahead and prepare for school, so that is what I will focus on until I get to meet Matt. I have to finish planning and packing for move-in day, which is only 6 days away! Tomorrow I will go shopping for last minute stuff... fun.

Other than that, I will try to just plan ahead for meeting Matt - I think Columbus Day weekend is perfect. Transportation by train would cost - for a direct trip, which is cheapest - a little over $100 both ways...and even a little less, with a student discount, which I will be signing up for (so I can travel home during the school year cheaper). Matt agreed to pay for a motel room for me to stay in (apparently his school doesn't allow dormers to have members of the opposite sex stay over in their rooms!), so my only expenses would be travel and food. So basically, I need to get my hands on about $300 for this thing to work out. It has to happen. I feel like I will go crazy if I don't get to meet him soon.

I figured that Columbus day weekend would be perfect because it is not TOO soon, and it gives both of us a chance to plan and to get acclimated in our respective schools. Also, it means we don't have to put it off until, say, January, or even next summer... this web-connection thing could burn out before it even gets a chance to happen. I need to know that we gave it a legitimate chance to happen, before I will be willing to let it die.

Anyway, as it is probably apparent, I have been stressing more and more over my increasing doubt of Matt's sincerity... and yet every time I question it, every time I feel he's less-than-interested, he says or does something that forces me to acknowledge his investments in me.
I already wrote about the mysterious text.
Now for last night. I was playing Team Fortress 2, and noticed he was logged into Steam, but not Skype. I wondered what that meant. I felt like he must have been avoiding me, but then I realized how paranoid I was being. So I refuted my doubts for the moment. And I pushed him, even though I knew it was not the best approach to the situation.

I PM'd him (private message - basically Instant Messaging through Steam) and said "Hey Jester"

I knew it would sting him, or at least strike his attention - he has told me a million times not to call him Jester outside of our clan forums or Team Fortress 2.
So he joined in the mockery: "Hey Zach"
*My in-game name is Zachariah, just like my name for this blog*
We had a bland conversation, and I felt like I was pressing him too hard for attention, so I focused on the game at hand. He was in-game by that point, too, so we were constantly killing each other virtually... maybe that added to the tension, and if this was a book, it may have symbolized something between us, but really it's just a meaningless game.

Then, after I had not IM'd him for a while, he started asking me to remind him of my move-in date and other trivial stuff. But I still felt like it showed he cared. At least he seemed to be trying.

Then the conversation picked up a bit more, and he told me he was sick and was probably going to bed soon. I ran the Columbus day weekend idea past him, and he liked it. He volunteered to pay for the motel room, since I couldn't stay in his dorm (school policy, as mentioned above). He also said he would stay there with me - which is not only sensible, it's also Ideal :)


This brings up another thought from today. My sister was the one who suggested Columbus day weekend. I brought it up with my mother. She is worried, and says she doesn't think I should travel to see him, rather he should travel to see me. I told her not to be so old-fashioned. But then some parts make sense: if I went to see him, he might expect me to go out of my way every time we want to be together. And, in the contra positive, if he traveled to see me, it would prove his dedication to this whole thing, to me. However, I know it's not fair to ask him for proof, and he shouldn't expect anything just because I travel to see him, so I think those points are moot, or at least there's nothing I can do to change them, and he could ask the same questions of me, if he were to travel to see me. No, my mother was worried for another reason. She is worried that going down there makes me vulnerable to just about anything. She doesn't want me to get raped, or even just for him to expect more than I am willing to give.

I immediately set her straight - Matt is NOT a rapist, by any means.
And even though he isn't a virgin, that doesn't mean he is obsessed with sex. Take me, for example. I enjoy sex. But I am through with letting it control me. But, just to be sure, I mentioned it to Matt last night, too (before my mother even brought it up) - I made it clear to him that there would be no sex, at least not on our first meeting. Maybe next time, but not the first time.

I was expecting him to be annoyed, or at least disappointed... he was not. He did say that he doubted I would be able to stop MYSELF from trying to have sex with him, but he was fine with no sex. He said, "I just want to see you."

It was the sweetest thing I had heard in a long time.
I only wish he could have said it out loud, to my face. I wish we had been webcamming instead of just IMing.
Just seeing his face makes me so happy.

Right now, I want so desperately to post his picture, to show how absolutely adorable he is. He's sweet and funny and smart, and he's great-looking to boot! I want to share that with someone. However, I can't post his picture online - he's very careful about his identity being secret: I'm one of the only people online that knows his last name, and I'm one of 2 people in our clan that knows what he looks like, and I am the ONLY one online who knows his phone number. He has trusted me with so much - when I think of that, it reminds me not to take his trust for granted. He must care about me to trust me so much.
Anyway, nobody can ever really know how we are when we talk alone, because we never speak the same way in front of people. Sometimes that makes me very sad. he claims a lot of his friends know about me, and he's introduced me to his sister via webcam... but his mother doesn't even know I exist. :(

Wow, I kind of sound like a stalker or something, don't I? I don't want to come off that way. I just feel like there is nothing I can do. I can't express my feelings to him verbally, because I feel like
A) it is never enough - I am not so good with words, I express myself better physically (not necessarily sexually, just little things - holding hands, touching his shoulder, playing with his hair)
B) it might sound like too much

but he insists I can never go overboard with him. I don't know if I can believe that - not because he didn't mean it, but because he doesn't know how overboard I am capable of going :P

Well, that's about all for today. I'm so glad I have this blog now to let out my innermost feelings and thoughts on my day. I have no where else to put it all. Sorry if it is an overload of emotion, but this is the only place that sees it, so I figure, why not let it all out?

I don't think anyone reads this anyway... and I'm really ok with that :)

PS - Actually, there is one guy who I tell all my thoughts to. He listens quite well, actually.
His name is Lucas, and he's one of my best friends. He's a year and a half old:




Don't get freaked out by his left eye, it's just a birth defect. So shut up.