Shit. Damn. Fuck.
Mike DEFINITELY has feelings for me.
He keeps trying to hang out with me...
Not in the "friend" kind of way.
He usually texts me 5 minutes before, asking if I want to go get something to eat with him and his roommate.
Now he is texting me, asking if I want to get dinner with him "sometime this week" and asking when I will be free this week.
Not good.
I even ran into him at the student center, and I didn't know what to say...
And he's been texting me consistently for the past 2 hours, asking what I am doing. I told him I am planning on reading all night.
He asked if he could join me. Who gets together to READ?
So I told him no. I want a quiet night. I'm not even sure what that means, but it seemed to work.
Then he texted me and said that he was going to turn off his phone for the night to get some work done, but he had some "parting words":
"You're difficult to understand...it's interesting..."
>_< he thinks I am sending mixed messages.
It's my fault.
After we got baked two nights ago, I crashed in his bed... with him. We didn't mess around (we both still had all of our clothing on!!), just slept.
But I think he thinks I have feelings for him...
goddammit.
***
It doesn't matter.
I talked to Matt on skype tonight. Every time we talk, I feel better, then worse, then better... and then later I feel worse again. That boy can reassure me on all my doubts about him, or he can add to my confusion and constant wondering.
He tends to do both a few times over the course of a single conversation.
Tonight, he did it again.
His roommate mentioned some "other skype girlfriend" named Abby, in front of me. And, of course, I had to be jealous when some other girl was mentioned (as if Matt isn't out every other night picking up girls). So I asked Matt. He told me to think of her as his version of Thom. He knew her in Memphis, and she was a close friend. I felt better after he told me that, but what really made me feel better was when his roommate said that Abby was ugly.
Girls will always be competing with each other to be the more attractive looking one, I guess. Not that I have much to offer. >_<
Anyway, he told me that he loves me, for like, the millionth time. And I felt better. he also mentioned that he was looking into prices for bus tickets (from his college to mine, to come meet me)... and even though I highly doubt he would ever actually come up here... it still made me very happy to hear that he was even thinking about meeting up with me.
And yet, it is inevitable that very soon I will start worrying and doubting again.
And - truthfully - I WAS gradually starting to think about Matt less (but I think one of the main reasons for that is that for the past few nights I have been either drunk or stoned out of my mind. so most things in my mind were pretty blurry).
But after talking to him again... after seeing his face again.. I miss him just as much as before. Maybe more. I love him. And it's not fair.
***
However, it's beginning to show that the college life is changing him. It is affecting him the way I had hoped it would affect us BOTH: he is losing interest in this skype relationship-thing (It's NOT a relationship. But I don't know what to call it. I hate it, because, if we were together, like if we went to the same college or something, it probably would be a relationship.I would give up all of my crazy drunken adventures to be his girlfriend. But neither of us would ever do something as stupid as "dating online" or whatever. We're not dumb enough to think that it would work out, the long-distance thing. It is the most horrible feeling, knowing that it could be something great, if only we were closer.)
Equally depressing is that I know that Matt reads my blog.
But I don't care. I don't know when he will get around to reading this specific entry, but when he does... well, when you do, Matt... I do love you.
I wish your blog was actually composed of... oh hell, I don't know, maybe your thoughts and feelings?
I guess I just have to accept that I will never know what you are REALLY thinking...
Monday, August 31, 2009
First day of classes...
First things first: I hate waking up at 6:30 AM, but I need to do it so I can get in the shower and still be ready for class @ 8:00. >_<
***
Anyway, first class was "The Art of Acting" from 8-9AM.
My teacher, Professor Nathan Gabriel... well, let's just say I know who my first college professor crush is going to be!
We did a warm-up acting exercise, called, "What are you doing?", which is basically this:
One person stands in the middle of a circle of people. The person in the middle acts something out - washing dishes, walking a dog, etc.
A person from the circle will enter the circle and ask the original person, "What are you doing?" and the original person will say something new. The asker will then act out whatever the original person told them.
I went in a few times, and after the exercise ended, Nathan (he referred to himself that way, I'm not just abandoning all formality) said he liked one of my charades the best. He said it was the most convincing. ^_^
I'm so excited for my next class with him. He's really cute and funny, and very enthusiastic about the class.
***
Chem lecture was alright, just info on the course, and then the professor went off on a tangent about scientific method and John Snow discovering that cholera is conveyed through water in the 1800's, and someone else figuring out that yellow fever is spread by mosquitoes. He didn't tie it all together and draw it back to the original point, so, while I enjoyed the stories and the pretty pictures, I didn't get as much out of the lecture as I could have. This is a bit frightening - if even his intro class lecture was not organized in a way that promotes my comprehension, how will I ever follow his in-depth lectures on chemistry? ugh.
Then I had 3 hours of chem lab in my schedule, but the professors and lab instructors just put all the chem lab groups together, gave a 50 minute explanation of the course requirements, and sent us on our way. Very cool.
So now I am free until tomorrow...
...and my first class isn't until eleven.
Sweet.
***
Anyway, first class was "The Art of Acting" from 8-9AM.
My teacher, Professor Nathan Gabriel... well, let's just say I know who my first college professor crush is going to be!
We did a warm-up acting exercise, called, "What are you doing?", which is basically this:
One person stands in the middle of a circle of people. The person in the middle acts something out - washing dishes, walking a dog, etc.
A person from the circle will enter the circle and ask the original person, "What are you doing?" and the original person will say something new. The asker will then act out whatever the original person told them.
I went in a few times, and after the exercise ended, Nathan (he referred to himself that way, I'm not just abandoning all formality) said he liked one of my charades the best. He said it was the most convincing. ^_^
I'm so excited for my next class with him. He's really cute and funny, and very enthusiastic about the class.
***
Chem lecture was alright, just info on the course, and then the professor went off on a tangent about scientific method and John Snow discovering that cholera is conveyed through water in the 1800's, and someone else figuring out that yellow fever is spread by mosquitoes. He didn't tie it all together and draw it back to the original point, so, while I enjoyed the stories and the pretty pictures, I didn't get as much out of the lecture as I could have. This is a bit frightening - if even his intro class lecture was not organized in a way that promotes my comprehension, how will I ever follow his in-depth lectures on chemistry? ugh.
Then I had 3 hours of chem lab in my schedule, but the professors and lab instructors just put all the chem lab groups together, gave a 50 minute explanation of the course requirements, and sent us on our way. Very cool.
So now I am free until tomorrow...
...and my first class isn't until eleven.
Sweet.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Zach's Fall 2009 Weekly Schedule
Just in case anyone out there wants to know, here's my schedule.
Monday:
8AM-9AM The Art of Acting
12PM-1PM Chemistry Lecture
2PM-5PM Chemistry Lab
Tuesday:
11AM-1PM Calculus
2PM-4PM Philosophy: Asian Behavior & Thought
5PM-7PM Philosophy: Morality & The Law
Wednesday:
8AM-9AM The Art of Acting
11AM-12PM Chemistry Recitation
12PM-1PM Chemistry Lecture
Thursday:
11AM-1PM Calculus
2PM-4PM Philosophy: Asian Behavior & Thought
5PM-7PM Philosophy: Morality & The Law
Friday:
8AM-9AM The Art of Acting
12PM-1PM Chemistry Lecture
***
It's going to be rough on mondays, tuesdays and thursdays, but wednesdays and fridays will be glorious!
Monday:
8AM-9AM The Art of Acting
12PM-1PM Chemistry Lecture
2PM-5PM Chemistry Lab
Tuesday:
11AM-1PM Calculus
2PM-4PM Philosophy: Asian Behavior & Thought
5PM-7PM Philosophy: Morality & The Law
Wednesday:
8AM-9AM The Art of Acting
11AM-12PM Chemistry Recitation
12PM-1PM Chemistry Lecture
Thursday:
11AM-1PM Calculus
2PM-4PM Philosophy: Asian Behavior & Thought
5PM-7PM Philosophy: Morality & The Law
Friday:
8AM-9AM The Art of Acting
12PM-1PM Chemistry Lecture
***
It's going to be rough on mondays, tuesdays and thursdays, but wednesdays and fridays will be glorious!
Still tired....
Well, I only got to sleep for a little bit before I had to go to some welcome ceremony involving a lot of speeches from all the important people, including the Dean of my specific college. He told the funniest joke:
I will try my best to remember it correctly.
"It was a snowy, wintry day, and a little bird was very, very cold in a tree. The bird eventually fell out of the tree, almost completely frozen.
A cow was ambling by, and noticed the little bird. The cow left a cow pie on that bird - he left a huge, steaming pile of manure on that bird.
The warmth of the manure defrosted the bird, and that bird started whistling a tune. A fox came by, and told the bird he had the most beautiful voice.... and then he ate the bird in one bite.
The moral of the story is this:
When someone - perhaps a professor - drops shit (yes, he actually said shit.) on your head, it may not be with bad intentions.
And when someone praises you, it may not always be with good intentions.
And lastly, and most important of all - don't whistle when you're in a load of shit."
This is going to be an interesting 4 years.
***
Anyway, I was really just writing so I could post some new pics. After the speeches (where they gave away cool CST t-shirts, pix follow) and formalities, there was a pep rally.
Hooter the Owl and some annnoying announcer guy.
Pep Rally - Hooter the Owl on stage.
My cool CST shirt.
***
Then, on our way back to the dorm, Liz and I were stopped by some students selling T-shirts...
They had 4 variations. "T" represents the temple T.
"sluT"
"sToned"
"gheTTo"
"Trashed"
Guess which one I got? Here's a hint.
I always wanted to be one of those funny t-shirt model chicks...
http://www.snorgtees.com/
You know I could totally pull it off!!
(...or at least, let me dream!)
The back of my CST shirt, and my "Trashed" shirt.
***
I love it here.
***
I missed Matt a lot today, and so I texted him. He said he was just going to text me!
It felt so good to even just talk to him through texts.
I had better be able to get my hands on enough money to go down to meet him. I won't give up on that just yet.
I am considering doing some photography for the school's newspaper. It's not much, I would get paid for every photo they published... but if I can actually take some decent photos, maybe I could save up enough to go see him.
I will try my best to remember it correctly.
"It was a snowy, wintry day, and a little bird was very, very cold in a tree. The bird eventually fell out of the tree, almost completely frozen.
A cow was ambling by, and noticed the little bird. The cow left a cow pie on that bird - he left a huge, steaming pile of manure on that bird.
The warmth of the manure defrosted the bird, and that bird started whistling a tune. A fox came by, and told the bird he had the most beautiful voice.... and then he ate the bird in one bite.
The moral of the story is this:
When someone - perhaps a professor - drops shit (yes, he actually said shit.) on your head, it may not be with bad intentions.
And when someone praises you, it may not always be with good intentions.
And lastly, and most important of all - don't whistle when you're in a load of shit."
This is going to be an interesting 4 years.
***
Anyway, I was really just writing so I could post some new pics. After the speeches (where they gave away cool CST t-shirts, pix follow) and formalities, there was a pep rally.
Hooter the Owl and some annnoying announcer guy.
Pep Rally - Hooter the Owl on stage.
My cool CST shirt.
***
Then, on our way back to the dorm, Liz and I were stopped by some students selling T-shirts...
They had 4 variations. "T" represents the temple T.
"sluT"
"sToned"
"gheTTo"
"Trashed"
Guess which one I got? Here's a hint.
I always wanted to be one of those funny t-shirt model chicks...
http://www.snorgtees.com/
You know I could totally pull it off!!
(...or at least, let me dream!)
The back of my CST shirt, and my "Trashed" shirt.
***
I love it here.
***
I missed Matt a lot today, and so I texted him. He said he was just going to text me!
It felt so good to even just talk to him through texts.
I had better be able to get my hands on enough money to go down to meet him. I won't give up on that just yet.
I am considering doing some photography for the school's newspaper. It's not much, I would get paid for every photo they published... but if I can actually take some decent photos, maybe I could save up enough to go see him.
Tired. Very, very tired.
I am posting this now so I don't forget anything while I sleep for the next hour or so.
Great party last night.
As soon as I walked in, Ryan waived the cover fee for me, and Nick shouted, "SNAKE LADY!!!" and tried to freestyle some dumb rap about my nickname. It was funny, and it also felt good to be remembered. But I figured that was the only name Nick knew me by. So later, I was walking by Nick, and I decided right then and there that I would leave an impression. I grabbed him and kissed him. I was somewhat surprised by how eager he was to kiss me back. Now I can say with finality that I've kissed the hottest guy I've ever met :D
And then he asked what the kiss was for. I told him, "To leave an impression, so this time you will remember me when you are sober, too."
He said, "I always remembered everything you said: Your real name is ****, and I called you Meg, from Hercules. I remember you."
I just grinned and said, "Well, now you have one more thing to remember."
And I walked away.
Very crowded, but a lot of fun. Drinking, dancing, and general shenanigans were afoot throughout the party.
While the party was winding down (the 3 kegs were all tapped out), I was proud of myself - I wasn't even drunk. I was buzzed at most. Mike asked if I wanted to try ...a certain substance... when I was not piss drunk - to actually get a feel for what it's like.
On my way out, I saw Nick and he said he would remember me :P
I also saw Ryan, who I wished to have gotten to spend some time with at the party. He was too busy manning the door, since it was his party. Still, I told him, "I would have liked to have seen more of you tonight,"
And we sort of did one of those stupid handshakes that everyone in Philly seems to do... but he held on longer than normal, and looked me in the eyes. I think I made an impression on him, too.
Right after we got out the door, some guy ran past us as fast as he could. He lost his flipflop and dropped a bottle of - I'm assuming - some sort of alcohol. A few seconds later, a chubby cop was running by in the same direction. Mike and I laughed our asses off. The guy got away, until the cop called for backup and a cop car went on the hunt.
At Mike's, I smoked more ...of a certain substance... than I have ever smoked. And I learned how to use a bowl ^_^
It's kind of hard, because I am retarded, but I got the hang of it.
Entertaining pictures were the obvious result:
lmfao
nice, Mike.
cause we're ballin' like that.
You may be cool, but you'll never be 3-stacked-baseball-caps cool.
Sooooooo not lucid. Also, Mike needs to clean his room :P
***
Anyway,
I have four things I must remember to do today, besides a stupid mandatory meeting with my College of Science and Technology president.
I must:
1) Print the syllabi for my classes tomorrow
2)Go around campus and find out where all my classes are.
3) finish the review problems my calculus teacher sent me.
4)remember to eat something... I can't lose any more weight.
sleepy time now.
Great party last night.
As soon as I walked in, Ryan waived the cover fee for me, and Nick shouted, "SNAKE LADY!!!" and tried to freestyle some dumb rap about my nickname. It was funny, and it also felt good to be remembered. But I figured that was the only name Nick knew me by. So later, I was walking by Nick, and I decided right then and there that I would leave an impression. I grabbed him and kissed him. I was somewhat surprised by how eager he was to kiss me back. Now I can say with finality that I've kissed the hottest guy I've ever met :D
And then he asked what the kiss was for. I told him, "To leave an impression, so this time you will remember me when you are sober, too."
He said, "I always remembered everything you said: Your real name is ****, and I called you Meg, from Hercules. I remember you."
I just grinned and said, "Well, now you have one more thing to remember."
And I walked away.
Very crowded, but a lot of fun. Drinking, dancing, and general shenanigans were afoot throughout the party.
While the party was winding down (the 3 kegs were all tapped out), I was proud of myself - I wasn't even drunk. I was buzzed at most. Mike asked if I wanted to try ...a certain substance... when I was not piss drunk - to actually get a feel for what it's like.
On my way out, I saw Nick and he said he would remember me :P
I also saw Ryan, who I wished to have gotten to spend some time with at the party. He was too busy manning the door, since it was his party. Still, I told him, "I would have liked to have seen more of you tonight,"
And we sort of did one of those stupid handshakes that everyone in Philly seems to do... but he held on longer than normal, and looked me in the eyes. I think I made an impression on him, too.
Right after we got out the door, some guy ran past us as fast as he could. He lost his flipflop and dropped a bottle of - I'm assuming - some sort of alcohol. A few seconds later, a chubby cop was running by in the same direction. Mike and I laughed our asses off. The guy got away, until the cop called for backup and a cop car went on the hunt.
At Mike's, I smoked more ...of a certain substance... than I have ever smoked. And I learned how to use a bowl ^_^
It's kind of hard, because I am retarded, but I got the hang of it.
Entertaining pictures were the obvious result:
lmfao
nice, Mike.
cause we're ballin' like that.
You may be cool, but you'll never be 3-stacked-baseball-caps cool.
Sooooooo not lucid. Also, Mike needs to clean his room :P
***
Anyway,
I have four things I must remember to do today, besides a stupid mandatory meeting with my College of Science and Technology president.
I must:
1) Print the syllabi for my classes tomorrow
2)Go around campus and find out where all my classes are.
3) finish the review problems my calculus teacher sent me.
4)remember to eat something... I can't lose any more weight.
sleepy time now.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
A day spent in recovery...
Mostly, I spent today recovering from last night.
I bought my chemistry books from the school bookstore, and ordered the rest online.
Then Mike texted me and invited me to go to South Street - Jimmy and him wanted to buy some new posters. It was a lot of fun: we took the subway, which I always like, and there were so many interesting stores on South Street.
Mike looking "fly" on the subway. I think he just looks like he's sleeping.
Jimmy looking like a blind person on the subway :P
There was a store called Condom Kingdom. I lol'd. We went in, and trust me, they sell a lot more than condoms. Everything and Anything that is humorous and sexy, you will find it there. Now I know where to go to get that vibrator all the -SNiGS- have been telling me to get XD
Well, I have to run and do my laundry... I wouldn't need to - I don't have that many dirty clothes - except that an awful thing happened to me today.
While on South Street, I started feeling like I might be leaking (I'm on my period, as mentioned in previous posts.)...but where could I stop? So I decided I could tough it out and wait til I got back to my dorm.
Well, while waiting for the subway, I did a little check (it's hard to discreetly look between one's legs, but I managed)... It was a much more pressing matter than I thought. I had bled through my jeans!!! Oh I was MORTIFIED. Except no one noticed - at least, Jimmy and Mike didn't seem to notice. I tried to hide it as best I could - I leaned against a wall and clasped my hands in front of myself. It makes for an entertaining story, but it was terrible at the time. I didn't sit on the subway, or anywhere. I just got on the train, maintained an awkward "hide-the-blood" position, and then booked it out of the station and down the street back to my dorm, barely saying goodbye to Mike and Jimmy.
I hope I didn't offend them.
ehhh, if they weren't offended last night, when I was too drunk to function, I guess they wouldn't really be offended by me leaving abruptly.
***
I realized after I cursed my head off and showered and threw my stuff in the laundry, that I hadn't eaten all day. Nothing. So Alexa and I went to the student center for food. Finally meal plans apply so I don't have to go all the way to Johnson & Hardwick Residence for free food.
By the way... some things I must not have remembered from last night -
Mike left way before I fell asleep. I asked him. He said he left about 40 minutes after the party wound down.
I met a very attractive sophomore named Matt.
While Alexa and I were getting food -- and the pizza here is actually quite delicious, and is on wheat dough, not white :) -- this guy came up to me (yet another one that towers over me - they make them tall down here in Philly) and said, "Hey! We met last night!"
and when I didn't respond, he said, "...at 2020?" (the apartment's address).
I stared at him like a crazy person for a moment... then replied, "Oh! well... I don't remember much of last night, but that's cool!"
And I reintroduced myself, because I could not, for the life of me, remember his name.
*He commented that everyone was calling me "Meg" last night...that name is going to stick with me now >_< *
He also asked if I was going back to 2020 tonight. I am, because Mike and Ryan asked me to, but I am not staying long. I can't handle another heavy night, and I do not plan on crashing there again. Also, this party is supposed to be insane... I don't want to be there when the cops break it up. Apparently they showed up at some of the parties we hopped last night, right after we left. I can NOT get arrested.
***
In other news... Matt hasn't been in my past few posts. That makes me sad... and a little relieved. I haven't been thinking about him nearly as much, because I have been so busy and so wrapped up in everything I can do here in Philly. I miss him, I do. But I am glad that I have a life.
Still, I just want to talk to him... we haven't talked since Tuesday.
I just want to see him smile and hear him laugh... I even miss him teasing me!
***
Oh wow! I was doing my laundry, and an upperclassman came in to throw his laundry in, too, and he guessed that I was a sophomore!! SWEET! I look like a sophomore!
I bought my chemistry books from the school bookstore, and ordered the rest online.
Then Mike texted me and invited me to go to South Street - Jimmy and him wanted to buy some new posters. It was a lot of fun: we took the subway, which I always like, and there were so many interesting stores on South Street.
Mike looking "fly" on the subway. I think he just looks like he's sleeping.
Jimmy looking like a blind person on the subway :P
There was a store called Condom Kingdom. I lol'd. We went in, and trust me, they sell a lot more than condoms. Everything and Anything that is humorous and sexy, you will find it there. Now I know where to go to get that vibrator all the -SNiGS- have been telling me to get XD
Well, I have to run and do my laundry... I wouldn't need to - I don't have that many dirty clothes - except that an awful thing happened to me today.
While on South Street, I started feeling like I might be leaking (I'm on my period, as mentioned in previous posts.)...but where could I stop? So I decided I could tough it out and wait til I got back to my dorm.
Well, while waiting for the subway, I did a little check (it's hard to discreetly look between one's legs, but I managed)... It was a much more pressing matter than I thought. I had bled through my jeans!!! Oh I was MORTIFIED. Except no one noticed - at least, Jimmy and Mike didn't seem to notice. I tried to hide it as best I could - I leaned against a wall and clasped my hands in front of myself. It makes for an entertaining story, but it was terrible at the time. I didn't sit on the subway, or anywhere. I just got on the train, maintained an awkward "hide-the-blood" position, and then booked it out of the station and down the street back to my dorm, barely saying goodbye to Mike and Jimmy.
I hope I didn't offend them.
ehhh, if they weren't offended last night, when I was too drunk to function, I guess they wouldn't really be offended by me leaving abruptly.
***
I realized after I cursed my head off and showered and threw my stuff in the laundry, that I hadn't eaten all day. Nothing. So Alexa and I went to the student center for food. Finally meal plans apply so I don't have to go all the way to Johnson & Hardwick Residence for free food.
By the way... some things I must not have remembered from last night -
Mike left way before I fell asleep. I asked him. He said he left about 40 minutes after the party wound down.
I met a very attractive sophomore named Matt.
While Alexa and I were getting food -- and the pizza here is actually quite delicious, and is on wheat dough, not white :) -- this guy came up to me (yet another one that towers over me - they make them tall down here in Philly) and said, "Hey! We met last night!"
and when I didn't respond, he said, "...at 2020?" (the apartment's address).
I stared at him like a crazy person for a moment... then replied, "Oh! well... I don't remember much of last night, but that's cool!"
And I reintroduced myself, because I could not, for the life of me, remember his name.
*He commented that everyone was calling me "Meg" last night...that name is going to stick with me now >_< *
He also asked if I was going back to 2020 tonight. I am, because Mike and Ryan asked me to, but I am not staying long. I can't handle another heavy night, and I do not plan on crashing there again. Also, this party is supposed to be insane... I don't want to be there when the cops break it up. Apparently they showed up at some of the parties we hopped last night, right after we left. I can NOT get arrested.
***
In other news... Matt hasn't been in my past few posts. That makes me sad... and a little relieved. I haven't been thinking about him nearly as much, because I have been so busy and so wrapped up in everything I can do here in Philly. I miss him, I do. But I am glad that I have a life.
Still, I just want to talk to him... we haven't talked since Tuesday.
I just want to see him smile and hear him laugh... I even miss him teasing me!
***
Oh wow! I was doing my laundry, and an upperclassman came in to throw his laundry in, too, and he guessed that I was a sophomore!! SWEET! I look like a sophomore!
Hi! Meg here!
Ok, so, it's 10:22 AM, and I am still half drunk or stoned or something...
I just got my internet connection fixed last night, but I didn't have time to post a new entry, so I will just post a two-in-one.
Moving in went smoothly, I met my new roommates, and they're great :)
My mother helping me unpack everything. Yes, I brought 3 giraffes. You wanna fight about it?
My roommates and a purple chair :P
For the scavenger hunt, we needed a picture with the "La Creperie" truck.
We needed a pic with a Philly's hat. We found one on this toy.
Yesterday the university had a shitload of boring, freshman stuff to do, and a lot of it was mandatory. A mandatory scavenger hunt? ?! Really?
But after the mandatory shit was over, I think they were hosting some kind of show and then a dance from 11PM - 2AM. As you can probably guess, Internet... I did not attend.
No, Mike and I had been texting since I moved in, and he asked if I would like to get some dinner with him a his roommate. Dinner turned into, "want to go to a small get-together with a couple of my friends?"
So I went. It was a lot of fun. First I chilled with Mike in his room over at the Edge, housing located at the edge of campus (thus the name...). Then he, his roommate, and I went over to one of their friend's apartments. We started drinking. Then, we (everyone from that little party) decided to go to another "little" shindig at someone else's apartment. It was really crowded, and we all kind of decided that
A)The cops were probably going to show up
and
B) We were in no shape to jump a fence... especially one with barbed wire around the top.
So we left. We got some 40's and went back to the original apartment, and this guy Ryan and I played beer pong until Mike and his friend returned with some weed.
*Ryan owns a python, and her name is Princess. He took her out to meet everyone at the beginning of the night, and I, being the snake person that I am, was at once intrigued. And he was silly. This is a pic of Ryan with Princess on his head.
I guess I asked some intelligent questions, because he said he was very impressed. And then this guy.... Nick? I think his name was Nick. He looked like a backstreet boy: deep tan, bleached blond hair with the roots showing, washboard abs.... very sexy. Also, very not-my-type. He was the kind of guy I expected to be a douchebag all night to chicks. He was, but not too bad with me. He just kept hinting at his growing desire to motorboat my boobs XD, and then how he wanted me to join him in his room. No thanks, Nick. I wonder if his last name was Carter? hahahaha
(Nick Carter = a backstreet boy. For all of the people out there that don't know their 90's pop.)
Well, there was a reason to include Nick in the story. First, Ryan called me Snake Lady (because I have 2 and I knew so much about his. No crude jokes, please, I heard enough last night.), and Mike said to call me Medusa (snakes in her hair and whatnot). I was not too happy about Medusa. So Nick gave me a new name. He said I look like that chick from Hercules. Meg. So now, as far as everyone at that party is concerned, my name is Meg.
I got wasted and stoned. Not a good combination. I don't remember most of last night. I know I felt really sick at one point. I know I started drinking large amounts of water. I felt immensely better after I did.
There was another guy... I can't recall his name. He was a ginger, and that's what we referred to him as.
*Side note: these guys are all friends through Crew. They are all about 6'0" and up, and all of them are pretty jacked. Ginger boy was the tallest, and almost the strongest one there. I'm just adding that little description to give you a better idea of how bad the next part of my story was*
Well, this ginger guy, he apparently is a violent drunk. Mike warned me before we went, he said that this guy will probably be breaking stuff. I didn't realize that included me.
I was lying on the couch with my head in Ryan's lap, because I could no longer stand up. He was being really sweet and stroking my hair. (I had already told him I wasn't going to have sex with him. Not for moral reasons, but for physical reasons, I couldn't.) So I think it was sweet to take care of me even though he wasn't going to get any pussy from me.
Anyway, the party had pretty much cleared out. The others had all either left or gone upstairs to bed. It was just me, Ryan, and this ginger guy. I don't know how the subject was brought up, but we started talking about cars. I, of course, told him off for choosing a camaro as his answer to "What car would you have if you could have any car?"
He didn't like being told off. But I'm stubborn. I explained that nothing trumps a Corvette. Nothing.
He then attempted to break my wrist (I'm glad we were drunk, because he probably would have succeeded if he was sober). Ryan was like "chill, man!!!"
He kept really squeezing my leg until I shouted in pain, and he laughed. I decided to never again talk with him about cars.
Well... my night was pretty quiet from then on. Ryan and I crashed on a couch, and the abusive ginger went home.
I woke up this morning around 9:30. The girls who lived in the apartment were getting up to start their day. I left.
***
IT'S FREEZING IN HERE. My roomies and I have not figured out the A/C yet (shutup, shutup!), so I am freezing to death.
I just got my internet connection fixed last night, but I didn't have time to post a new entry, so I will just post a two-in-one.
Moving in went smoothly, I met my new roommates, and they're great :)
My mother helping me unpack everything. Yes, I brought 3 giraffes. You wanna fight about it?
My roommates and a purple chair :P
For the scavenger hunt, we needed a picture with the "La Creperie" truck.
We needed a pic with a Philly's hat. We found one on this toy.
Yesterday the university had a shitload of boring, freshman stuff to do, and a lot of it was mandatory. A mandatory scavenger hunt? ?! Really?
But after the mandatory shit was over, I think they were hosting some kind of show and then a dance from 11PM - 2AM. As you can probably guess, Internet... I did not attend.
No, Mike and I had been texting since I moved in, and he asked if I would like to get some dinner with him a his roommate. Dinner turned into, "want to go to a small get-together with a couple of my friends?"
So I went. It was a lot of fun. First I chilled with Mike in his room over at the Edge, housing located at the edge of campus (thus the name...). Then he, his roommate, and I went over to one of their friend's apartments. We started drinking. Then, we (everyone from that little party) decided to go to another "little" shindig at someone else's apartment. It was really crowded, and we all kind of decided that
A)The cops were probably going to show up
and
B) We were in no shape to jump a fence... especially one with barbed wire around the top.
So we left. We got some 40's and went back to the original apartment, and this guy Ryan and I played beer pong until Mike and his friend returned with some weed.
*Ryan owns a python, and her name is Princess. He took her out to meet everyone at the beginning of the night, and I, being the snake person that I am, was at once intrigued. And he was silly. This is a pic of Ryan with Princess on his head.
I guess I asked some intelligent questions, because he said he was very impressed. And then this guy.... Nick? I think his name was Nick. He looked like a backstreet boy: deep tan, bleached blond hair with the roots showing, washboard abs.... very sexy. Also, very not-my-type. He was the kind of guy I expected to be a douchebag all night to chicks. He was, but not too bad with me. He just kept hinting at his growing desire to motorboat my boobs XD, and then how he wanted me to join him in his room. No thanks, Nick. I wonder if his last name was Carter? hahahaha
(Nick Carter = a backstreet boy. For all of the people out there that don't know their 90's pop.)
Well, there was a reason to include Nick in the story. First, Ryan called me Snake Lady (because I have 2 and I knew so much about his. No crude jokes, please, I heard enough last night.), and Mike said to call me Medusa (snakes in her hair and whatnot). I was not too happy about Medusa. So Nick gave me a new name. He said I look like that chick from Hercules. Meg. So now, as far as everyone at that party is concerned, my name is Meg.
I got wasted and stoned. Not a good combination. I don't remember most of last night. I know I felt really sick at one point. I know I started drinking large amounts of water. I felt immensely better after I did.
There was another guy... I can't recall his name. He was a ginger, and that's what we referred to him as.
*Side note: these guys are all friends through Crew. They are all about 6'0" and up, and all of them are pretty jacked. Ginger boy was the tallest, and almost the strongest one there. I'm just adding that little description to give you a better idea of how bad the next part of my story was*
Well, this ginger guy, he apparently is a violent drunk. Mike warned me before we went, he said that this guy will probably be breaking stuff. I didn't realize that included me.
I was lying on the couch with my head in Ryan's lap, because I could no longer stand up. He was being really sweet and stroking my hair. (I had already told him I wasn't going to have sex with him. Not for moral reasons, but for physical reasons, I couldn't.) So I think it was sweet to take care of me even though he wasn't going to get any pussy from me.
Anyway, the party had pretty much cleared out. The others had all either left or gone upstairs to bed. It was just me, Ryan, and this ginger guy. I don't know how the subject was brought up, but we started talking about cars. I, of course, told him off for choosing a camaro as his answer to "What car would you have if you could have any car?"
He didn't like being told off. But I'm stubborn. I explained that nothing trumps a Corvette. Nothing.
He then attempted to break my wrist (I'm glad we were drunk, because he probably would have succeeded if he was sober). Ryan was like "chill, man!!!"
He kept really squeezing my leg until I shouted in pain, and he laughed. I decided to never again talk with him about cars.
Well... my night was pretty quiet from then on. Ryan and I crashed on a couch, and the abusive ginger went home.
I woke up this morning around 9:30. The girls who lived in the apartment were getting up to start their day. I left.
***
IT'S FREEZING IN HERE. My roomies and I have not figured out the A/C yet (shutup, shutup!), so I am freezing to death.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Gone.
this was one of the later photos, but I thought it was appropriate to represent the whole day.
I'm going to miss her. A lot.
***
Ok. I'm gone.
I'm writing this entry from my hotel room, after jumping through hoops to get online. All for you, Internet, because I knew you were holding your breath to find out what the next page of my life held.
Ha.
Nah, in all seriousness, it was a pain in the ass. I was connected to the network, but I couldn't access the internet through the network. I called for technical help. Apparently I was being put in a filter, and the filter kept giving me a bad IP address. ehhh.. the Tech guy, Evan, turned the filter off for the 24 hours that I will be here at this hotel. Nice guy, actually. Very patient.
Anyway...
Not much interesting happened today.
Woke up to Thom bending over me, saying, "Good Morning"
We hung out for a while before he had to go to work.
He is going to miss me. He was quite upset. He said he is planning to come visit me every day. I laughed.
Cherie came over right before my parents and I left.
She was also quite upset.
We blew bubbles on my back deck.
Luke was intrigued.
And then he tried to eat the bubbles, and learned very quickly why some parents put soap in their children's mouths to punish them.
***
I'm really surprised at how many people were upset at my leaving. I got a lot of calls/texts/wall posts...
I feel loved :)
***
Kayla also stopped by to say goodbye. Cherie and Kayla watched me leave. It was somewhat dramatic, actually.
***
Long car ride. Slept through a lot of it - my dad was nice enough to do all the driving.
Also, driving in the city... not fun. Especially when my dad is doing the driving.
hmm....
Oh, also, I LOVE Cinnabon. We stopped at a rest stop for my mother (who must have a bladder the size of a peanut), and I got a Cinnabon. Those things are disgustingly fattening and sickeningly sweet, and I love them!!!! :P
Tomorrow, I move in.
This time tomorrow, I will officially be a college student.
And I'm feeling pretty indifferent to it.
:/
Monday, August 24, 2009
My Last Full Day (and Night) at Home.
Today is it. It's my last chance to see people, last chance to pack and buy even more last minute stuff.
I didn't sleep last night. Thom came over around... oh I don't even know, 2 AM?
We had been talking on skype, and he realized how upset I was when I decided I can't handle this Matt thing anymore. He said, "let's go for a walk," and then he drove over to my house.
Yeah, he's impulsive like that.
We did go for a walk, because that is what I always do when I am upset, and he knows it helps me. I told him everything I was feeling, how I want to confront Matt about how I feel like he's ducking me every time I talk to him online - no matter what time of day it is, if I start talking to him, he "only has a few minutes" and then he has to go. It's bullshit, or it's a series of awful coincidences. But I'm pretty positive he just doesn't want to talk to me. he never spends more than an hour on skype when we talk, and yet last night I didn't initiate a conversation, and he was on for quite a bit longer.
I'm sick of feeling like he doesn't care, I'm sick of feeling like the stalker-chick who waits up to talk to a guy that doesn't reciprocate the feeling. He's in or he's out. But I need a decision.
***
Well, I won't dwell more than I already have.
Busy day, today.
Stayed up with Thom until .... 7?
I was woken up by Cherie calling me at 10, asking me where I was - We were going to stop at Staples this morning before she went in to work. So I quickly brushed my teeth and changed my clothes and ran out the door.
We got the item we were looking for - laptop lock.
After, we chilled at my house for a little while, then she left for work.
I showered and tried to wake up more (it didn't work... I'm falling asleep as I type this), then I had to go pick up some forms from my insurance people for my birth control - something stupid about the company getting a discount on prescription drugs that span more than 3 refills, if it's done through the mail - it's all just a pain in the ass.
Well, after that ordeal, I finally came home and now I am here typing this.
After, I will probably run back out for some more stuff for my dorm - clothes, a couple more supplies...little things.
Then, coffee with my sister.
At some point, I need to see Thom again.
And then hopefully my sister, Cherie, my mother, and I will watch Happy Feet together tonight.
My mom has never seen it, but wants to (and I love that movie, so shutup), and so we decided that we would all do that tonight after Cherie gets out of work.
I hope it all works out as planned. I'm going to miss everyone (well, everyone that matters) so much.
Also, this is completely unrelated, but I feel like complaining: Yuck. I hate that I am going to have my period for almost the entire first week that I am in college. My menstrual cycle hates me.
I'm probably going to add to this later, just to review what actually happened, instead of what I plan on doing for the rest of today.
Damn, I guess the epic battle won't fit in today's monlogues...
***
Well, it's later, and everyone came over, as planned. Thom and Cherie and Kayla. Kayla is my sister's best friend, but she considers herself my close friend, too. Even Rose, Cherie's mother (and my close personal friend), came over to say goodbye. Carmichael - an old flame from May - came by. Hmmm... Tim texted me, wanting to hang out. I turned him down, and he got upset, because he said he won't get to see me again until winter. Ehhh. I don't mind that, really.
Thom just left with Kayla - his truck wouldn't start, so he walked to my house today, and she agreed to give him a ride home (he told me he's getting laid tonight, so apparently that's not the only "ride" she's going to give him XD).
I'm tired. I passed out on the floor in my room earlier tonight, due to lack of sleep. lol
Hmmm
I confronted Matt. After all that freaking out, I was completely wrong. I am definitely the stereotypical crazy chick. Whatever, I still don't know what to do about him.
I guess I'll play it by ear from here on out. *Although I suppose that's all I have been doing*
***
Talked to Matt tonight on skype, after everyone left, and after I edited this entry the first time. I actually got to see his face, it made me so happy :)
He reassured me completely, I couldn't be happier right now, unless I was with him.
Since I gave him the link to this blog (shutup Thom, it wasn't how you think it was), he is probably reading too. Hey Matt.
I love you.
Thanks for tonight.
***
Well, tomorrow will be hectic. Hopefully I will find time to post.
Goodnight for now, Internet.
I didn't sleep last night. Thom came over around... oh I don't even know, 2 AM?
We had been talking on skype, and he realized how upset I was when I decided I can't handle this Matt thing anymore. He said, "let's go for a walk," and then he drove over to my house.
Yeah, he's impulsive like that.
We did go for a walk, because that is what I always do when I am upset, and he knows it helps me. I told him everything I was feeling, how I want to confront Matt about how I feel like he's ducking me every time I talk to him online - no matter what time of day it is, if I start talking to him, he "only has a few minutes" and then he has to go. It's bullshit, or it's a series of awful coincidences. But I'm pretty positive he just doesn't want to talk to me. he never spends more than an hour on skype when we talk, and yet last night I didn't initiate a conversation, and he was on for quite a bit longer.
I'm sick of feeling like he doesn't care, I'm sick of feeling like the stalker-chick who waits up to talk to a guy that doesn't reciprocate the feeling. He's in or he's out. But I need a decision.
***
Well, I won't dwell more than I already have.
Busy day, today.
Stayed up with Thom until .... 7?
I was woken up by Cherie calling me at 10, asking me where I was - We were going to stop at Staples this morning before she went in to work. So I quickly brushed my teeth and changed my clothes and ran out the door.
We got the item we were looking for - laptop lock.
After, we chilled at my house for a little while, then she left for work.
I showered and tried to wake up more (it didn't work... I'm falling asleep as I type this), then I had to go pick up some forms from my insurance people for my birth control - something stupid about the company getting a discount on prescription drugs that span more than 3 refills, if it's done through the mail - it's all just a pain in the ass.
Well, after that ordeal, I finally came home and now I am here typing this.
After, I will probably run back out for some more stuff for my dorm - clothes, a couple more supplies...little things.
Then, coffee with my sister.
At some point, I need to see Thom again.
And then hopefully my sister, Cherie, my mother, and I will watch Happy Feet together tonight.
My mom has never seen it, but wants to (and I love that movie, so shutup), and so we decided that we would all do that tonight after Cherie gets out of work.
I hope it all works out as planned. I'm going to miss everyone (well, everyone that matters) so much.
Also, this is completely unrelated, but I feel like complaining: Yuck. I hate that I am going to have my period for almost the entire first week that I am in college. My menstrual cycle hates me.
I'm probably going to add to this later, just to review what actually happened, instead of what I plan on doing for the rest of today.
Damn, I guess the epic battle won't fit in today's monlogues...
***
Well, it's later, and everyone came over, as planned. Thom and Cherie and Kayla. Kayla is my sister's best friend, but she considers herself my close friend, too. Even Rose, Cherie's mother (and my close personal friend), came over to say goodbye. Carmichael - an old flame from May - came by. Hmmm... Tim texted me, wanting to hang out. I turned him down, and he got upset, because he said he won't get to see me again until winter. Ehhh. I don't mind that, really.
Thom just left with Kayla - his truck wouldn't start, so he walked to my house today, and she agreed to give him a ride home (he told me he's getting laid tonight, so apparently that's not the only "ride" she's going to give him XD).
I'm tired. I passed out on the floor in my room earlier tonight, due to lack of sleep. lol
Hmmm
I confronted Matt. After all that freaking out, I was completely wrong. I am definitely the stereotypical crazy chick. Whatever, I still don't know what to do about him.
I guess I'll play it by ear from here on out. *Although I suppose that's all I have been doing*
***
Talked to Matt tonight on skype, after everyone left, and after I edited this entry the first time. I actually got to see his face, it made me so happy :)
He reassured me completely, I couldn't be happier right now, unless I was with him.
Since I gave him the link to this blog (shutup Thom, it wasn't how you think it was), he is probably reading too. Hey Matt.
I love you.
Thanks for tonight.
***
Well, tomorrow will be hectic. Hopefully I will find time to post.
Goodnight for now, Internet.
Storms and Boredom...
So...
I woke up very late today.
Then I hung out for a while.
Didn't do much.
Hmmm.. helped my dad grill. That was cool. We bonded. I have been kind of a bitch to him for the past few... weeks.
So I'm glad I did that with him.
My parents went on that "Dream Ride" motorcycle ride thing - I went with my dad last year, so it was my mother's turn, this year. They rode together on my dad's motorcycle, and Cherie and her father and mother were there too. (Cherie's parents both own motorcycles, so she rode on her father's.). My mother said Cherie was asking about me, and worrying that I wouldn'd call her or hang with her before I left for college. It's crazy, really. Of course I want to see my best girl friend - I love her and I am going to miss her. So I called her and we hung out tonight.
We were planning to go to the fair to see the fireworks. It got rained out, so instead we went to Walmart and picked up some college stuff (I will never be done shopping for college, and yet I will still be forgetting something, I'm sure.). When we got back, we found out the fireworks did happen, after all. Oh well. It's probably better this way. I didn't have to see all those people from school that I won't see again for a long time.
Then Cherie and I watched "Notting Hill" - I haven't seen that movie in years. I still love it, but this time I noticed something new... Hugh Grant actually reminds me of Pat. Pat was a guy I was interested in at the end of the school year and the beginning of summer - before Matt happened.
It didn't work out between us, I'm not really sure what happened, we just kind of settled into the 'friends' thing. I think we were both really awkward together, it just wasn't meant to be, or something. Anyway, yeah, Hugh Grant in "Notting Hill" is exactly like Pat.
Actually, new thought - Pat reads this blog. Hi Pat! I hope you don't mind me posting a picture of you. If you do, just tell me.
***
Moving on...
I realized tonight (well, kind of last night)... this Matt thing is not going to work out.
Our conversation - if you can call it a conversation - was so...lacking.
It shouldn't even be considered a conversation.
The first thing he even said to me (through text - we use skype, but we don't even talk through webcam anymore.) was "Hey, did you text me today?"
It turned out that after he got his new phone, he didn't have any contacts saved in it yet, and his friend, Zach, texted him. He thought I was using my Steam name.
Anyway, he sent me a couple of messages after that, I answered him, but it was very...strained.
It felt like we were making conversation because we had to, not because we wanted to.
I actually wanted to go play TF2 more than sit there and talk with him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, Internet, I want to talk to him, but it feels like he never wants to talk to me, he just does it out of ... I don't know ... obligation?
so, then he left for a while, and I played TF2 for about an hour before he came back and tried to enter back into conversation. It dragged on for another half an hour before he finally went to bed.
Even then, he had to add insult to injury - I know it is stereotypical for women to overanalyze harmless things that men say, but this really took the cake.
First and foremost - he has been the one to say "I love you" first, lately.
He didn't, last night (or maybe I didn't give him the chance to, but the following convinces me otherwise).
I waited for him to say it, but he didn't. So I did.
When I said, "I love you"
He said, "Right back at ya"
SERIOUSLY? WTF, MAN?!
I get it, sometimes he doesn't know when he upsets me - so I shot back, "wow. really?"
and he claimed he was just trying to mix things up. it felt more like he didn't want to use the 'L' word. Which is fine, if that's how he feels - but goddamn it, be upfront about it!
He did say "I love you too" eventually. But only after I prompted him. I hate prompting someone to say something as important and weighty as that. I won't do it again. And I also refuse to initiate any more conversations with him. If he wants to talk to me, he can. I won't stay up waiting for him, either. Hell, he's online on skype right now (and has been for the past 2 hours), and he hasn't said one word to me! So screw that.
I love him. I miss him. I want to be with him.
But not if I'm the only one who feels that way.
I am too good to be the go-to girl. I won't be his online ego-boost.
If he loves me, he can show me. I hate to ask for proof, but it feels like that's my only option. I won't put my heart into this without at least a receipt.
I woke up very late today.
Then I hung out for a while.
Didn't do much.
Hmmm.. helped my dad grill. That was cool. We bonded. I have been kind of a bitch to him for the past few... weeks.
So I'm glad I did that with him.
My parents went on that "Dream Ride" motorcycle ride thing - I went with my dad last year, so it was my mother's turn, this year. They rode together on my dad's motorcycle, and Cherie and her father and mother were there too. (Cherie's parents both own motorcycles, so she rode on her father's.). My mother said Cherie was asking about me, and worrying that I wouldn'd call her or hang with her before I left for college. It's crazy, really. Of course I want to see my best girl friend - I love her and I am going to miss her. So I called her and we hung out tonight.
We were planning to go to the fair to see the fireworks. It got rained out, so instead we went to Walmart and picked up some college stuff (I will never be done shopping for college, and yet I will still be forgetting something, I'm sure.). When we got back, we found out the fireworks did happen, after all. Oh well. It's probably better this way. I didn't have to see all those people from school that I won't see again for a long time.
Then Cherie and I watched "Notting Hill" - I haven't seen that movie in years. I still love it, but this time I noticed something new... Hugh Grant actually reminds me of Pat. Pat was a guy I was interested in at the end of the school year and the beginning of summer - before Matt happened.
It didn't work out between us, I'm not really sure what happened, we just kind of settled into the 'friends' thing. I think we were both really awkward together, it just wasn't meant to be, or something. Anyway, yeah, Hugh Grant in "Notting Hill" is exactly like Pat.
Actually, new thought - Pat reads this blog. Hi Pat! I hope you don't mind me posting a picture of you. If you do, just tell me.
***
Moving on...
I realized tonight (well, kind of last night)... this Matt thing is not going to work out.
Our conversation - if you can call it a conversation - was so...lacking.
It shouldn't even be considered a conversation.
The first thing he even said to me (through text - we use skype, but we don't even talk through webcam anymore.) was "Hey, did you text me today?"
It turned out that after he got his new phone, he didn't have any contacts saved in it yet, and his friend, Zach, texted him. He thought I was using my Steam name.
Anyway, he sent me a couple of messages after that, I answered him, but it was very...strained.
It felt like we were making conversation because we had to, not because we wanted to.
I actually wanted to go play TF2 more than sit there and talk with him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, Internet, I want to talk to him, but it feels like he never wants to talk to me, he just does it out of ... I don't know ... obligation?
so, then he left for a while, and I played TF2 for about an hour before he came back and tried to enter back into conversation. It dragged on for another half an hour before he finally went to bed.
Even then, he had to add insult to injury - I know it is stereotypical for women to overanalyze harmless things that men say, but this really took the cake.
First and foremost - he has been the one to say "I love you" first, lately.
He didn't, last night (or maybe I didn't give him the chance to, but the following convinces me otherwise).
I waited for him to say it, but he didn't. So I did.
When I said, "I love you"
He said, "Right back at ya"
SERIOUSLY? WTF, MAN?!
I get it, sometimes he doesn't know when he upsets me - so I shot back, "wow. really?"
and he claimed he was just trying to mix things up. it felt more like he didn't want to use the 'L' word. Which is fine, if that's how he feels - but goddamn it, be upfront about it!
He did say "I love you too" eventually. But only after I prompted him. I hate prompting someone to say something as important and weighty as that. I won't do it again. And I also refuse to initiate any more conversations with him. If he wants to talk to me, he can. I won't stay up waiting for him, either. Hell, he's online on skype right now (and has been for the past 2 hours), and he hasn't said one word to me! So screw that.
I love him. I miss him. I want to be with him.
But not if I'm the only one who feels that way.
I am too good to be the go-to girl. I won't be his online ego-boost.
If he loves me, he can show me. I hate to ask for proof, but it feels like that's my only option. I won't put my heart into this without at least a receipt.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
My Grandmother's Birthday,
Today was my grandmother's birthday. My entire extended family (with a few exceptions) lives in White Plains, NY. So my family and I drove there for the party today.
It was fun, but the ride there was boring. So my siblings and I screwed around with my camera:
Trust me, there were plenty more where those came from, but I do not want to overload this post with pics, and I have pictures from the rest of the day to add.
So, anyway, we drove to WP, NY. The party was fun - I love children, so I adore my little second cousins. They were the same ones we went with to Lake Compounce earlier this week.
It was nice to see my family again, especially because this will be the last time for a while, since I will be in Philly for college starting this Tuesday.
So here are some photos from today with my family:
My grandmother, my cousin-in-law Dave, his son Ben, and teddy the shih tzu.
The family.
Cousins <3 Ben, Ashani, and Jahfari
Ben and my brother playing peek-a-boo
max picking his nose when his mother wasn't looking :P
***
There are way more than just the ones I posted, but these are enough to get the general atmosphere of the day, I think.
Aren't my cousins adorable?
***
Anyway, today I was spammed with texts from two people. Nate and Tyler. I think that after we kissed and canoodled (lol I was dying to use that word) last night, Tyler wants me back. It's mildly amusing. I'm not interested. He's not even close to mature enough for me. Plus, it's a "been there, done that" situation. I'm done with him.
As mentioned earlier, Nate also kept texting me today. Here is the story behind Nate:
There is a boy living next door to my grandmother. He is my age, his name is Nathan.
We had sex one time last summer when I was still rebounding after the awful breakup with Tyler. Ever since then, he has been trying to get back with me - he wants me to "hang" with him every time I am in town. I have not had sex with him since that one time, but I don't mind fooling around once in a while.
So he texted me earlier this week asking if he would get to see me before we both go to college. I told him I would be at my grandmother's on Saturday (today), and he said that while I am there, I better come say hi at least. So I went over to say hi, and he tried to get me to spend the day with him. I told him I couldn't, I had to stay at the party for my grandmother. He still pulled me in for a couple kisses, but he let me go after that.
But I did get a picture of him and I for you to see, Internet.
***
And, just like last night, with Tyler...
All I could think about was Matt. I just want to kiss him, hold him, wake up next to him.
When will this end?!
It was fun, but the ride there was boring. So my siblings and I screwed around with my camera:
Trust me, there were plenty more where those came from, but I do not want to overload this post with pics, and I have pictures from the rest of the day to add.
So, anyway, we drove to WP, NY. The party was fun - I love children, so I adore my little second cousins. They were the same ones we went with to Lake Compounce earlier this week.
It was nice to see my family again, especially because this will be the last time for a while, since I will be in Philly for college starting this Tuesday.
So here are some photos from today with my family:
My grandmother, my cousin-in-law Dave, his son Ben, and teddy the shih tzu.
The family.
Cousins <3 Ben, Ashani, and Jahfari
Ben and my brother playing peek-a-boo
max picking his nose when his mother wasn't looking :P
***
There are way more than just the ones I posted, but these are enough to get the general atmosphere of the day, I think.
Aren't my cousins adorable?
***
Anyway, today I was spammed with texts from two people. Nate and Tyler. I think that after we kissed and canoodled (lol I was dying to use that word) last night, Tyler wants me back. It's mildly amusing. I'm not interested. He's not even close to mature enough for me. Plus, it's a "been there, done that" situation. I'm done with him.
As mentioned earlier, Nate also kept texting me today. Here is the story behind Nate:
There is a boy living next door to my grandmother. He is my age, his name is Nathan.
We had sex one time last summer when I was still rebounding after the awful breakup with Tyler. Ever since then, he has been trying to get back with me - he wants me to "hang" with him every time I am in town. I have not had sex with him since that one time, but I don't mind fooling around once in a while.
So he texted me earlier this week asking if he would get to see me before we both go to college. I told him I would be at my grandmother's on Saturday (today), and he said that while I am there, I better come say hi at least. So I went over to say hi, and he tried to get me to spend the day with him. I told him I couldn't, I had to stay at the party for my grandmother. He still pulled me in for a couple kisses, but he let me go after that.
But I did get a picture of him and I for you to see, Internet.
***
And, just like last night, with Tyler...
All I could think about was Matt. I just want to kiss him, hold him, wake up next to him.
When will this end?!
Deja Vu
today was.... very out of the ordinary.
First, I got up fairly early, for me - 10:30 - and went shopping for last minute stuff for college. Then, I went to my friend Chrissie to get my haircut (she is a professional, but she does little jobs on the side.). Well, she noticed that I dyed my hair a couple of months ago - the roots are now about 2 inches long. She offered to use temporary (6 weeks) dye to help the roots and tips match a little better. So I got my hair cut quite a bit shorter than it has been in a while, and now it is also darker than it has been in months. It feels good to be a little bit different.
Also, during my haircut, the skies grew very dark, and a nasty storm approached. It broke quite loudly over my house just as I was getting home. Some pics:
The sky darkening over my house.
My parents, Lucas, and Thom chilling on the porch, watching the storm.
***
Well, in the middle of the downpour, I noticed my best friend (who moved away 4 years ago) was back in town and across the street picking up some of her belongings from her mother's house!
Of course I ran over there and we talked for a long time and then she came back and we looked through my yearbook, talking about people we both grew up with, and how much they had changed since she had seen them.
It was great, but she had to leave after about an hour. I was so happy to see her, though. It was the first time I had seen her since I helped her run away to her father's house the summer after 9th grade.
***
Well, after that I played some Soul Caliber 4 with my brother and Thom. My brother is really good at it, but I beat Thom almost every time. It was a lot of fun :)
When we all sat down to eat dinner together - yes, my family still does that - I got a text from the most unlikely person. Tyler. My ex from a year and a half ago. He wanted to see me, to talk to me. I had a sneaking suspicion it was about his girlfriend.
*Sidenote - there is a "Country Fair" in my town every year around this time - Tonight was the first night, it goes through the weekend*
He wanted me to meet up with him at the fair tonight, but I had promised Cherie I would go to her sleepover, at least for a little while. So I suggested we hang out on Sunday, the closing night of the fair. (All I could think about after suggesting this was how odd it would be, how Deja Vu, to be spending the closing night of the fair with him, when two years earlier we had done the same thing as boyfriend/girlfriend). He agreed to hang out Sunday, and that was that.
***
After that, I went up to Cherie's (my best friend since 3rd grade) house (she was having a small sleepover with a couple of friends). We hung out, and watched some creepy expose about female bodybuilders - ew.
Pictures at Cherie's House:
Well, it was fun, but I got bored, and then Tyler texted me again. He wanted to see me tonight. He asked when I would be home from Cherie's. So we planned it, I went home from Cherie's around 11:10, and he picked me up from my house around 11:15.
We drove around, and eventually I had him take us to Wakelee - a local elementary school - because it was a good place to just chill... I love the playground there (go ahead, laugh. At least I have stayed in touch with my inner child!). We hung out on the playscape and talked. He had broken up with Elana, the girl he had been with since he and I had broken up. They had to have been dating at least a year.
He said he was just sick of her overprotectiveness and jealousy and suspicion. That girl had him on such a short leash. I only wish he could have seen it sooner.
But I reassured him that, if he really was done with the relationship, then it was the right decision to end it.
It was nice talking to him. We reminisced about the good ol' days when we were a couple. We joked and played like nothing had ever changed. It was very... Deja Vu.
A little later, we left Wakelee and drove around a bit more, and ended up at the playground right up the street from my house (I know, I have a thing for playgrounds - but where else could we go?). This is when it got... interesting.
I had been itching to kiss him all night - hell, I have been wanting to kiss him since we broke up, just to see how it would feel. So I asked him, "Can I try something?"
He seemed suspicious, but consented. I leaned in like I used to when we dated....I smirked coyly at him... and then I kissed him. Well, no. At first, I kissed him... then it was both of us kissing each other. He pulled me in slowly, tenderly. Then he held me tighter and tighter... his lips brushed against my cheek, then my neck. It was just like old times, except better - it was like we were beginning again. It was incredible.
I realized that I was glad I did it. And then I pulled back and we started talking again. Then he lightly reached for my hand and said, "Come back"
So I did.
His hands were so strong, but so tenderly feeling their way over my body. I missed his touch, I missed the romance ...and the lust.
Soon, however, I realized that it could very quickly escalate to something I knew we shouldn't do.
So I suggested he take me home and we went back to his car. He seemed very reluctant, and asked me for one last kiss in front of my house before he left. I couldn't deny him. I wanted it too.
Pictures From Tonight:
***
But later I realized... this wasn't the same. I don't love him anymore.
I lust for him, sure.
But I don't love him. My heart currently belongs to someone else.
Matt.
First, I got up fairly early, for me - 10:30 - and went shopping for last minute stuff for college. Then, I went to my friend Chrissie to get my haircut (she is a professional, but she does little jobs on the side.). Well, she noticed that I dyed my hair a couple of months ago - the roots are now about 2 inches long. She offered to use temporary (6 weeks) dye to help the roots and tips match a little better. So I got my hair cut quite a bit shorter than it has been in a while, and now it is also darker than it has been in months. It feels good to be a little bit different.
Also, during my haircut, the skies grew very dark, and a nasty storm approached. It broke quite loudly over my house just as I was getting home. Some pics:
The sky darkening over my house.
My parents, Lucas, and Thom chilling on the porch, watching the storm.
***
Well, in the middle of the downpour, I noticed my best friend (who moved away 4 years ago) was back in town and across the street picking up some of her belongings from her mother's house!
Of course I ran over there and we talked for a long time and then she came back and we looked through my yearbook, talking about people we both grew up with, and how much they had changed since she had seen them.
It was great, but she had to leave after about an hour. I was so happy to see her, though. It was the first time I had seen her since I helped her run away to her father's house the summer after 9th grade.
***
Well, after that I played some Soul Caliber 4 with my brother and Thom. My brother is really good at it, but I beat Thom almost every time. It was a lot of fun :)
When we all sat down to eat dinner together - yes, my family still does that - I got a text from the most unlikely person. Tyler. My ex from a year and a half ago. He wanted to see me, to talk to me. I had a sneaking suspicion it was about his girlfriend.
*Sidenote - there is a "Country Fair" in my town every year around this time - Tonight was the first night, it goes through the weekend*
He wanted me to meet up with him at the fair tonight, but I had promised Cherie I would go to her sleepover, at least for a little while. So I suggested we hang out on Sunday, the closing night of the fair. (All I could think about after suggesting this was how odd it would be, how Deja Vu, to be spending the closing night of the fair with him, when two years earlier we had done the same thing as boyfriend/girlfriend). He agreed to hang out Sunday, and that was that.
***
After that, I went up to Cherie's (my best friend since 3rd grade) house (she was having a small sleepover with a couple of friends). We hung out, and watched some creepy expose about female bodybuilders - ew.
Pictures at Cherie's House:
Well, it was fun, but I got bored, and then Tyler texted me again. He wanted to see me tonight. He asked when I would be home from Cherie's. So we planned it, I went home from Cherie's around 11:10, and he picked me up from my house around 11:15.
We drove around, and eventually I had him take us to Wakelee - a local elementary school - because it was a good place to just chill... I love the playground there (go ahead, laugh. At least I have stayed in touch with my inner child!). We hung out on the playscape and talked. He had broken up with Elana, the girl he had been with since he and I had broken up. They had to have been dating at least a year.
He said he was just sick of her overprotectiveness and jealousy and suspicion. That girl had him on such a short leash. I only wish he could have seen it sooner.
But I reassured him that, if he really was done with the relationship, then it was the right decision to end it.
It was nice talking to him. We reminisced about the good ol' days when we were a couple. We joked and played like nothing had ever changed. It was very... Deja Vu.
A little later, we left Wakelee and drove around a bit more, and ended up at the playground right up the street from my house (I know, I have a thing for playgrounds - but where else could we go?). This is when it got... interesting.
I had been itching to kiss him all night - hell, I have been wanting to kiss him since we broke up, just to see how it would feel. So I asked him, "Can I try something?"
He seemed suspicious, but consented. I leaned in like I used to when we dated....I smirked coyly at him... and then I kissed him. Well, no. At first, I kissed him... then it was both of us kissing each other. He pulled me in slowly, tenderly. Then he held me tighter and tighter... his lips brushed against my cheek, then my neck. It was just like old times, except better - it was like we were beginning again. It was incredible.
I realized that I was glad I did it. And then I pulled back and we started talking again. Then he lightly reached for my hand and said, "Come back"
So I did.
His hands were so strong, but so tenderly feeling their way over my body. I missed his touch, I missed the romance ...and the lust.
Soon, however, I realized that it could very quickly escalate to something I knew we shouldn't do.
So I suggested he take me home and we went back to his car. He seemed very reluctant, and asked me for one last kiss in front of my house before he left. I couldn't deny him. I wanted it too.
Pictures From Tonight:
***
But later I realized... this wasn't the same. I don't love him anymore.
I lust for him, sure.
But I don't love him. My heart currently belongs to someone else.
Matt.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Uneventful.
Well, despite my best efforts to fix my sleeping schedule for school... I slept until 3 today.
All signs point to depressed, I'm afraid.
I never sleep this much unless I am depressed for long periods of time. My mother has noticed too, and she knows why.
There's not much I can do, except look ahead and prepare for school, so that is what I will focus on until I get to meet Matt. I have to finish planning and packing for move-in day, which is only 6 days away! Tomorrow I will go shopping for last minute stuff... fun.
Other than that, I will try to just plan ahead for meeting Matt - I think Columbus Day weekend is perfect. Transportation by train would cost - for a direct trip, which is cheapest - a little over $100 both ways...and even a little less, with a student discount, which I will be signing up for (so I can travel home during the school year cheaper). Matt agreed to pay for a motel room for me to stay in (apparently his school doesn't allow dormers to have members of the opposite sex stay over in their rooms!), so my only expenses would be travel and food. So basically, I need to get my hands on about $300 for this thing to work out. It has to happen. I feel like I will go crazy if I don't get to meet him soon.
I figured that Columbus day weekend would be perfect because it is not TOO soon, and it gives both of us a chance to plan and to get acclimated in our respective schools. Also, it means we don't have to put it off until, say, January, or even next summer... this web-connection thing could burn out before it even gets a chance to happen. I need to know that we gave it a legitimate chance to happen, before I will be willing to let it die.
Anyway, as it is probably apparent, I have been stressing more and more over my increasing doubt of Matt's sincerity... and yet every time I question it, every time I feel he's less-than-interested, he says or does something that forces me to acknowledge his investments in me.
I already wrote about the mysterious text.
Now for last night. I was playing Team Fortress 2, and noticed he was logged into Steam, but not Skype. I wondered what that meant. I felt like he must have been avoiding me, but then I realized how paranoid I was being. So I refuted my doubts for the moment. And I pushed him, even though I knew it was not the best approach to the situation.
I PM'd him (private message - basically Instant Messaging through Steam) and said "Hey Jester"
I knew it would sting him, or at least strike his attention - he has told me a million times not to call him Jester outside of our clan forums or Team Fortress 2.
So he joined in the mockery: "Hey Zach"
*My in-game name is Zachariah, just like my name for this blog*
We had a bland conversation, and I felt like I was pressing him too hard for attention, so I focused on the game at hand. He was in-game by that point, too, so we were constantly killing each other virtually... maybe that added to the tension, and if this was a book, it may have symbolized something between us, but really it's just a meaningless game.
Then, after I had not IM'd him for a while, he started asking me to remind him of my move-in date and other trivial stuff. But I still felt like it showed he cared. At least he seemed to be trying.
Then the conversation picked up a bit more, and he told me he was sick and was probably going to bed soon. I ran the Columbus day weekend idea past him, and he liked it. He volunteered to pay for the motel room, since I couldn't stay in his dorm (school policy, as mentioned above). He also said he would stay there with me - which is not only sensible, it's also Ideal :)
This brings up another thought from today. My sister was the one who suggested Columbus day weekend. I brought it up with my mother. She is worried, and says she doesn't think I should travel to see him, rather he should travel to see me. I told her not to be so old-fashioned. But then some parts make sense: if I went to see him, he might expect me to go out of my way every time we want to be together. And, in the contra positive, if he traveled to see me, it would prove his dedication to this whole thing, to me. However, I know it's not fair to ask him for proof, and he shouldn't expect anything just because I travel to see him, so I think those points are moot, or at least there's nothing I can do to change them, and he could ask the same questions of me, if he were to travel to see me. No, my mother was worried for another reason. She is worried that going down there makes me vulnerable to just about anything. She doesn't want me to get raped, or even just for him to expect more than I am willing to give.
I immediately set her straight - Matt is NOT a rapist, by any means.
And even though he isn't a virgin, that doesn't mean he is obsessed with sex. Take me, for example. I enjoy sex. But I am through with letting it control me. But, just to be sure, I mentioned it to Matt last night, too (before my mother even brought it up) - I made it clear to him that there would be no sex, at least not on our first meeting. Maybe next time, but not the first time.
I was expecting him to be annoyed, or at least disappointed... he was not. He did say that he doubted I would be able to stop MYSELF from trying to have sex with him, but he was fine with no sex. He said, "I just want to see you."
It was the sweetest thing I had heard in a long time.
I only wish he could have said it out loud, to my face. I wish we had been webcamming instead of just IMing.
Just seeing his face makes me so happy.
Right now, I want so desperately to post his picture, to show how absolutely adorable he is. He's sweet and funny and smart, and he's great-looking to boot! I want to share that with someone. However, I can't post his picture online - he's very careful about his identity being secret: I'm one of the only people online that knows his last name, and I'm one of 2 people in our clan that knows what he looks like, and I am the ONLY one online who knows his phone number. He has trusted me with so much - when I think of that, it reminds me not to take his trust for granted. He must care about me to trust me so much.
Anyway, nobody can ever really know how we are when we talk alone, because we never speak the same way in front of people. Sometimes that makes me very sad. he claims a lot of his friends know about me, and he's introduced me to his sister via webcam... but his mother doesn't even know I exist. :(
Wow, I kind of sound like a stalker or something, don't I? I don't want to come off that way. I just feel like there is nothing I can do. I can't express my feelings to him verbally, because I feel like
A) it is never enough - I am not so good with words, I express myself better physically (not necessarily sexually, just little things - holding hands, touching his shoulder, playing with his hair)
B) it might sound like too much
but he insists I can never go overboard with him. I don't know if I can believe that - not because he didn't mean it, but because he doesn't know how overboard I am capable of going :P
Well, that's about all for today. I'm so glad I have this blog now to let out my innermost feelings and thoughts on my day. I have no where else to put it all. Sorry if it is an overload of emotion, but this is the only place that sees it, so I figure, why not let it all out?
I don't think anyone reads this anyway... and I'm really ok with that :)
PS - Actually, there is one guy who I tell all my thoughts to. He listens quite well, actually.
His name is Lucas, and he's one of my best friends. He's a year and a half old:
Don't get freaked out by his left eye, it's just a birth defect. So shut up.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Lake Compounce.
Well, today was eventful!
Went with my family to Lake Compounce (a water park in New England).
It was very tiring: watching an infant, a toddler, and two elementary-school aged kids - all boys!
My cousins are the best, though.
My brother is a lifeguard for the park and we went to visit him and to have a day trip together. I love kids, so today was really great.
It was also nice to get to spend some time with my sister, I've missed her most of this summer.
She's 20 years old and has spent the past few months in North Carolina, staying with her boyfriend (he's a marine who was stationed down there), but he was just recently shipped out to Iraq, so she is home now. Just in time for me to leave for college.
It's nice to have her, because we relate to each other so well in the "guy" department. Her boyfriend is far away, and until recently, she was there with him. The guy I want to be with is far away too. So we talk a lot about that.
She shares my concerns that Matt might not care for me as much as I care about him. That doesn't help my uneasiness. Even writing in such excess about him in a blog makes me feel like a crazy person. But I can't help it, I think about him constantly, and he is bound to appear several times in every entry in this blog.
So, my sister and I were meandering around the park, and we got to talking about our boys. I said that I noticed so many couples around us, and I wished so badly to do things like this with Matt. Just everyday "couple" things. Just to hold his hand. My sister said she completely understood - except she had gotten to do that stuff with Derrik, but now that he was gone, she would be missing out on it for the next 8 months or more.
This is difficult and painful. I miss him all the time. I am happiest when I am talking to him, but I would be so much happier if I could hold him, and be held by him. It's unfair that life can throw me a good guy for a change, but place him 1200 miles away.
Oh well, life has never been fair, I suppose.
***
No news on the weekend endeavor yet. I still haven't gotten a chance to speak with Matt.
Went with my family to Lake Compounce (a water park in New England).
It was very tiring: watching an infant, a toddler, and two elementary-school aged kids - all boys!
My cousins are the best, though.
My brother is a lifeguard for the park and we went to visit him and to have a day trip together. I love kids, so today was really great.
It was also nice to get to spend some time with my sister, I've missed her most of this summer.
She's 20 years old and has spent the past few months in North Carolina, staying with her boyfriend (he's a marine who was stationed down there), but he was just recently shipped out to Iraq, so she is home now. Just in time for me to leave for college.
It's nice to have her, because we relate to each other so well in the "guy" department. Her boyfriend is far away, and until recently, she was there with him. The guy I want to be with is far away too. So we talk a lot about that.
She shares my concerns that Matt might not care for me as much as I care about him. That doesn't help my uneasiness. Even writing in such excess about him in a blog makes me feel like a crazy person. But I can't help it, I think about him constantly, and he is bound to appear several times in every entry in this blog.
So, my sister and I were meandering around the park, and we got to talking about our boys. I said that I noticed so many couples around us, and I wished so badly to do things like this with Matt. Just everyday "couple" things. Just to hold his hand. My sister said she completely understood - except she had gotten to do that stuff with Derrik, but now that he was gone, she would be missing out on it for the next 8 months or more.
This is difficult and painful. I miss him all the time. I am happiest when I am talking to him, but I would be so much happier if I could hold him, and be held by him. It's unfair that life can throw me a good guy for a change, but place him 1200 miles away.
Oh well, life has never been fair, I suppose.
***
No news on the weekend endeavor yet. I still haven't gotten a chance to speak with Matt.
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