Weekend.

Well, it is 12:15AM friday night/saturday morning.

I fell asleep watching a movie around 8. I guess I was tired. So, now I am up, and I just want to relax and play Team Fortress 2 or Braid. However, I think I will just grab some snackies and get started on some homework instead, because I am masochistic.

***

I usually like being alone. It's my favorite time of day, often enough - catching some alone time to do what I want without anyone watching me or bothering me.
But some nights, I just feel lonely.

I feel like I have no friends, but I know that's not true. There are plenty of people that I could call right now and they would be willing to do whatever I wanted just to get a chance to hang out with me - either because we haven't chilled together in a while, or because it is a guy that is chasing me (>_<)...


But I still feel so alone. I sit in front of my computer, or sit on my bed (reading), and I just feel so small and insignificant. I feel like I could die tonight and no one would notice.
It's a scary and depressing feeling. I wish I had told Arkadiy "no" from the very beginning so that I could be home right now. I need to be with my family. They make me feel loved and happy.
I miss them so much.
I miss my mother and father, and sister and brother... I miss my baby yellow lab, Lucas.
Of course, I miss my friends, too, but seeing Cherie is more difficult to orchestrate. I miss Thom, but he doesn't talk to me now either. I think he is busy starting something with Kayla - which is perfectly alright with me! I want him to be happy and to not miss me so much, because I know that having me gone is hard on him. But I miss him a lot.

I am actually theorizing that this feeling is a part of the reason I was so interested in Arkadiy. He made me feel like the center of his world, like the most important person, and most importantly, he made me feel loved. It was a great feeling, and I hadn't felt so good in a while, so I hung out with him, and I mistook this feeling of acceptance and comfort for actual romantic feelings about him.

Is that terrible? If I had realized that I was simply feeling happy, not inclined towards Arkadiy, I would never have led him on...

Whatever, it's in the past.


Chemistry here I come.

***
I'm back for a moment, just to say:
Screw Chemistry. I'm playing TF2.