True, I just posted a couple of hours ago, but...

1) GO PHILLIES!! FINAL SCORE ON FIRST GAME OF WORLD SERIES:
PHILLIES: 6
YANKEES: 1
A GREAT START!!!
***

Now that that is out of my system,

2)I have registered for my spring 2010 courses, and I figured I should post the (still unconfirmed) schedule and roster here.

This is going to be a tough (but engaging) spring semester...


My Roster:




And this is my schedule, all laid out:

Great Wednesday.

Alright. I have been super-busy with homework lately, that's why I haven't been posting as often.

Anyway, I finished my Morality and the Law midterm paper for yesterday's class at 6AM yesterday morning... and before that I hadn't slept much either. Basically, this week had been terrible for my sleeping pattern until last night. Last night, I said, "Screw them homework, I can do it all tomorrow." And I went to bed at 9:30PM. I ended up waking up at 4:44AM and lying in bed until 6:45, when I had to get up for class. It was wonderful. I would do the same tonight, except there is too much going on.

But before I go into my schedule for tonight, I just want to talk a bit about my schedule for this week, and my grade in chemistry.

First, my chem grade:
I have been stressing most about chemistry, because it is my lowest known grade (my damn morality and the law teacher doesn't post the grades online! bitch.)... and my teacher keeps telling everyone that if your grade is in the 50's, you should drop the course. He said if you got a 5o-something on the first test, and a 50-something on the one we just took last week, then you should just drop it. I got a 71 on the first test, while the class average was a 56. I was very nervous about the test we took last week, because most people in my class said they thought it was harder, not easier than the first. I found it to be easier, but I was still worried. Well, the results are in: the class average was a 53! That's LOWER than the first test. I was terrified. Then, I got my test back and found my grade: I GOT A 94!!! I couldn't believe it!

So, anyway, my teacher said at the beginning of the semester that, generally, an 85 average would be equivalent to an A for the course (after curve). My average is currently an 84! And that's not including my masteringchemistry.com scores (which are all above 100%)! I am so glad! This means that I have an A in all of my courses for this semester, as far as I can tell.

So, yeah, that made my day, today.

***

Now, for the rest of this week:

Tomorrow or friday, I must get down to south street and go to the halloween store to buy a witch's hat for halloween (I have a black dress and black shoes already...soo....yeah.). I wasn't going to bother buying anything for a costume, because I wasn't planing on going to any parties or anything, but then Mike told me I have no choice, I must show up for a party, even if it's just for an hour or two. So now I am doing that on saturday night, and spending the rest of the night with Arkadiy. This should be interesting, considering he doesn't condone drinking or drug use.

Speaking of Arkadiy, things are getting pretty intense between us. His parents (whom I have not met...yet.) think we are dating, are about to date. He wants me to come home with him one weekend, so he can show me where he's from. And now I am taking him with me to see a play.

There's a story behind that one, so here goes:

I love my Acting teacher, as I have said many times before, I am sure. Well, he mentioned a few classes ago that the acting troupe that works at the Globe Theatre in England (yes, THE Globe, where Shakespeare's plays were originally debuted - well, it was rebuilt after a fire, but still.) is in town until saturday night, doing performances of Love's Labours Lost. I really want to see it, so I emailed Nathan to get more information. He sent me an email that said, verbatim:

"Great Emma!

Your interest inspired me to make the event worth extra credit. It's playing now until Saturday night. My wife and I are going to the show on Saturday afternoon at 2pm. I hope you (and others from our class) will be able to join us. I think it sounds like fun to discuss the show at intermission and afterward in the lobby.

Hope you decide to come,

Nathan G."

I got so excited!! He made the play extra credit! and not just any extra credit, but 2 points on the Final Grade for the class! That could mean an A+ in stead of an A! Oh I am definitely going to see this play! So, I invited Liz, but she is going home this weekend and won't be around when I want to go (Friday @ 8PM). Then I invited Arkadiy. He agreed to go. Now he says that his mother will expect us to be dating if he went to a play with me. I thought that was funny, but it made sense. Maybe we shouldn't do all this couple stuff? But he has already told me he loves me. Goddamn this is confusing. I told him I love him too... but it was in the middle of sex, and I didn't know what else to say. How could I not answer that? But the thing is... I am in love with Matt!!
I love Matt, and I am IN LOVE WITH Matt. Those are two different things, you know. And Arkadiy doesn't seem to realize that. I think he is hoping I will forget about Matt.

But I can't. I love Matt. I miss him.

***

Oh, and a funny story for my closing:
This morning, in my acting class, my partner (for the scene I am doing as my final project) asked me if I am jewish! I thought it was so funny, and I responded that, while many people think I look Jewish, I am actually just italian and irish, so the darkness of an italian's features mixed with the curly hair of an irish girl - et voila, a Jewish-looking chick.
I told Arkadiy and he thought it was funny too. I guess even when he finally picks a non-Jew, she still has to look Jewish :P

***

Anyway, so, my week is going pretty well, except for the complication of "I Love You" with Arkadiy.

I am off to do homework until the World Series starts tonight, which I am watching with Arkadiy, Julian, and Kyle. Then, at midnight, I will be registering for my spring classes.


Here's my tentative schedule:

4 Credit Hours Calculus II Honors
3 Credit Hours General Chemistry II
1 Credit Hour General Chemistry II Lab
3 Credit Hours Fundamentals of Neuroscience
3 Credit Hours Mosaics I Honors
3 Credit Hours Gen-Ed (I'm not sure what, hopefully an honors course)
__
17 Credits.

LET'S GO PHILLIES!!

Ok. watched last night's phillies vs dodgers game in Arkadiy's room, with him, Julian, and Kyle. It was so much fun!

Those boys are such fanatics.
When the Phillies won (which means they are going to the world series - which they WON last year), what seemed like the entire school ran out into the streets of philadelphia. Now, earlier this week the police had posted a warning that no one would be allowed to march to city hall (which was what they did last year)

well, the entire crowd of people freakin over the phillies marched all the way to city hall. it was so much fun. we had to redirect our root many times, cause the police put up road blocks.

one kid even got beaten by 8 cops with night sticks, because he climbed on a street light.

it was so freakin sick!

Weekend = Win

Yes, that was my facebook status, too.

That is because this past weekend was the best weekend I have had in a long time.

Friday night, both Hannah and Liz went home for the weekend,
...and Arkadiy slept over.

Best sex I have ever had. He was great! Especially for someone who had only been with one girl before me. He teased me for hours before he finally gave it up, and then it was such a release. We had sex for hours, did every different position we could think of... we had sex until we were exhausted, then we slept for 2 hours or so, and woke up and had more sex! We cuddled and talked and joked, too... but most of the night was spent having great sex.

It was the best friday night I have had in... months.
And I can't wait to do it again. I just don't know when the next time we will get the chance to spend a whole night together will be.

Anyway, he came over around 8PM friday, and I didn't let him leave until 2:30PM Saturday afternoon... my parents showed up about two and a half hours later.
I took them to South Street, to shop and get some dinner. It was a lot of fun. Then we spent the night at their hotel room, and then we went to a brunch held for Temple Students and their families. My parents got so choked up and were talking about how proud of me they were. It was really sweet. I miss them a lot.

I didn't even realize how much I was going to miss them when they left...
As I watched them walk away from 1300 (my dorm building), I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I was actually about to cry!

I sucked it up and went to my room.
I then did chemistry homework for the next 8 hours -> 7PM - 3AM

I was lucky, because my 8AM acting class today was cancelled, so I got to sleep in.
I had a test today in chemistry, and I went into it thinking I was not well prepared, but I was better prepared than for the last test we had.

On the last test, I got a 71/100, which is terrible, for me, but apparently the class average was a 55/100. So I considered myself lucky.

On this test, I felt even better about how I did, because I actually answered almost every single question on it. I asked around, and it seemed that most kids around me didn't even finish their tests, so I feel like I am better off than most of my class.

We shall see, but I really need to do well in chemistry, so I hope I did better on this test.


***

My registration for classes is on October 29th, and I really need to get to an advisor soon!
I hope I get all the classes I want, but I doubt I will, since freshman are almost the last group of people at Temple that are allowed to register for classes. :(


We had dinner at a cozy little italian restaurant on south street. I loved it there. If I ever go out on a date, I am taking him there. :)

Thursday.

Finally, this week is almost over.

I am tired and sick of spending every waking moment working - my only breaks so far have been a couple of hours I spent with Arkadiy and one webcamming session with Matt (last night).

I took my calculus test and got out an hour early from class, so I am just chilling right now, waiting for my Asian Behavior and Thought class to start.

I have been looking through possible courses to register for this Spring... Nothing that interesting so far, except that I might get to take Fundamentals of Neuroscience, which would be so awesome!
I have already forgotten why I chose neuroscience as my major. I haven't had a Bio course, so I have just been wrapped up in Chemistry and Calculus, and hating every moment of it. ..Hopefully this Neuroscience course does end up on my schedule next semester, so I can remind myself of why I love this science, or at least switch majors before I am too far along on this track.

Anyway, tonight, Liz and I are going to see a play, called The Stuttering Preach to complete our Acting Class assignments (see a play in Philly, write an essay about it). I am excited about the play, but I am dreading the idea of seeing it with Liz. She is crazy, and neurotic, and just a general schitzoid headcase. I can't stand her. Even having conversations with her is just me nodding disinterestedly, and her blathering on and on about who knows (or cares) what.

I don't understand why I constantly subject myself to her company. Well, alright, often, it is her that tries to spend time with me, but still.
I don't know how many more excuses I can come up with for not going home with her over the weekend...she keeps asking me to go with her, and I keep saying, "no, I have ____ this weekend, I can't" or "no, I'm really swamped with work this weekend, I'm sorry."
Etc.

She's annoying as fuck, is what it comes down to.

***

Anyway, the more time I spend with Arkadiy, the more clear is it to me that I am capable of having unattached fun with him - if I (or He) walked away right now, I would be annoyed (because we still haven't screwed), but I would not be hurt at all. However, he is becoming more and more attached, I think. I am worried, because I do not intend to hurt him, but that is the ultimate result of this whole.... thing.

meh. I will cross that bridge when I get to it, I suppose.

***

I miss my clan and my games. I haven't had time to play TF2, HL2, or anything this week. It sucks. Hopefully I will be able to do that this weekend. :)

Well, I have to run to my next class. I will try to add more later, if anything interesting comes up or occurs.
(I have noticed how infrequent my updates have become, and I apologize for that - it is not a loss of interest, simply a lack of time.)

Bye for now.

Reviews, Exams, Registration, Family...

I feel so overwhelmed - I have a calculus review tonight from 7pm-9pm, and on wednesday, I have a chemistry review from 4pm-6pm!
I have an exam in Calculus on thursday, and an exam in chemistry coming up!
I have a midterm paper due for my Morality and The Law course that's due next week (6-8 pages, not too bad), and an Acting paper due this wednesday.

Spring course registration begins this month! My earliest registration date is October 29th, and so I am struggling to get as many advising appointments as possible - one with my college (College of Science and Technology) and one with the Honors program, and possibly a group advising session with CST. It's crazy, I know, but I want to do my best with what options I have.

So much to think about, so much to get done, in so little time.

***
I went home this past weekend, and it was great! Saw my family, and Thom, and Cherie, and Kate, and my Lucas!
I missed them all so much. I definitely did not realize how much I missed home until I actually visited for the first time.
I'm glad my parents are visiting this weekend (it's parents' weekend at Temple), I can't wait to see them again - they are also bringing a winter coat for me - IT IS FREEZING HERE ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!

I can't wait to go home for winter break - I have so much to look forward to this winter.
I get to see my family - immediate and extended.
I get to relax between semesters (no homework or classes for a month!)
I might even get to finally meet Matt!! He says he is trying to come up to visit over winter break!!

I can't believe it's still 2 months away. *sigh*

Camtech, my hero.

I haven't posted in a while, so here's a quick recap of my day:

Acting class: My teacher made me feel so special this morning!!! - he wanted to do a demonstration, and instead of asking for volunteers for actors from the class like he usually does, he looked straight at me and said, in front of the entire class, "Emma, will you volunteer to do this demonstration?"
I nearly fell off my chair.
So I did the demonstration for him.
Then he gave back our essays at the end of class, and I got a 49.5 out of 50! He told the class that if anyone had any questions, he would be around for a few minutes in the room to answer them.
I walked out of class and waited for Liz in the hallway (her acting class technically ends at the same time as mine, but her teacher generally lets the class out a few minutes later.
As I was waiting, my teacher, Nathan, walked out of the class and stopped in front of me. He looked at me and asked, "Are you waiting to ask me some questions about the essay?"
And I answered honestly, "Well, no. I am waiting for my friend to get out of her class - but since you're here anyway..."
and I asked him a few questions, thinking all the while, "RUN AWAY WITH ME!!!!!"

***
Chemistry Recitation: we had some problems to do that were easy as ... well, too easy. The instructor called some kids (including me) up to the board and gave us a problem to solve. I was done before the other kids were even halfway through it.
He asked me to explain the problem, I did.
Then he gave out quizzes and I finished first, handed it in, and left (we are allowed to leave after we hand in our quiz).

I got back my chem test and I got a 71/100. Which, for me, is terrible, but considering the class average was 55, I don't feel too bad.

I hate that Chemistry is like this for me:
Some days and some topics, I know all too well - I can solve them with my eyes closed, one hand behind my back, before anyone else in my class even gets close to finishing.

Other days, it is like gibberish to me - I can't understand it, don't know where to begin, don't understand anything at all.

No other subject, science or not, has ever been this enigmatic for me. It's very frustrating.

***


Arkadiy Update:

His ex has been hangin around him more often - I am actually getting jealous. I have no claims on him in any way. He doesn't even like her, he is not at all interested in her romantically, and yet I am still feeling jealous whenever he mentions hanging out with her. wtf?!

Last night, Julian and Arkadiy came by and Liz and I chilled with them for a while. Then Liz went to bed, and it was just me, Arkadiy, and Julian. We talked for a long time, it was cool...
and Arkadiy kept making his jokes about having sex with me, and I got very exasperated and was saying stuff like, "See Julian? This isn't fair!"
Julian was laughing and agreeing with me, "Arkadiy, man, you gotta quit talking like that if you don't mean it."

At the end of the night, I walked the boys out to the gate outside my dorm, and they both hugged me, and Arkadiy said something sly about sex with me (yet again). I lost it. I did not get mad, I just went into my wallet and pulled out an IOU he had half jokingly, half-seriously written for me weeks ago. It says, word-for-word, "IOU one sexing"
I said, "That's it. Here. Take it. You owe me."

He said, "Are you cashing this in? Name the time and the place."

I couldn't believe it was so easy to finally get him to agree to sex. I asked him later, "So all I had to do was give you that stupid IOU?"

And he mentioned that he always keeps his promises.
Which sounded to me like, "I will have sex with you. But only because I am obliged to."

I told him nevermind, I don't believe in having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. He told me he does want to have sex with me, it's just that he can't feel comfortable having sex with someone who has zero emotional attachment to him.

I told him the truth: Obviously he is special to me, because otherwise I would have taken his advice weeks ago and just found someone else to screw. The fact that I want him, and him alone must show him that he means more to me than just empty, meaningless sex.

After I admitted that, he said, "Alright, so name the time and place."

I told him, yet again, "I don't condone rape. I will not have sex with an unwilling partner. Tear up the damned IOU."

He said, "So, time and place?"

And I said, "Did you not understand me?"

He said, "I did. But I am not listening."

I didn't understand until he clarified, "I want to have sex with you. And now that you are showing your emotional side... I feel like I can. I feel comfortable with the idea of it. So let's do it."


Soo....sometime soon, I will finally be getting laid. I just keep stressing to Arkadiy that, while he does mean more to me than other guys, I will not love him or be his girl.
He seems to understand.

***




Now, time to explain the title of this entry.
I already discussed how insecure I was feeling about men's numerical value for perfection, and how far from it I am.

Cam read that entry, and this was what he said to me:

"...In regards to 36-24-36. A) It's a generalization. B) Doesn't even factor height. C) Do you know if you even measured yourself correctly (common knowledge among girls? Kind of doubt that) D) It's subjective anyway."


You're awesome, Cam. You made me smile ^_^

Yeah, I hate men for putting a number on beauty.

So, I was talkin to a friend about unrealistic video game proportions for women, aka GIANT BOOBIES.

Then we got into the 36-24-36 ideal measurement.
It made me so curious and insecure that I measured myself.
34-26.3-37.2

So far from perfection.
>_<

And now I have yet another set of measurable flaws to be insecure about.

Weekend.

Well, it is 12:15AM friday night/saturday morning.

I fell asleep watching a movie around 8. I guess I was tired. So, now I am up, and I just want to relax and play Team Fortress 2 or Braid. However, I think I will just grab some snackies and get started on some homework instead, because I am masochistic.

***

I usually like being alone. It's my favorite time of day, often enough - catching some alone time to do what I want without anyone watching me or bothering me.
But some nights, I just feel lonely.

I feel like I have no friends, but I know that's not true. There are plenty of people that I could call right now and they would be willing to do whatever I wanted just to get a chance to hang out with me - either because we haven't chilled together in a while, or because it is a guy that is chasing me (>_<)...


But I still feel so alone. I sit in front of my computer, or sit on my bed (reading), and I just feel so small and insignificant. I feel like I could die tonight and no one would notice.
It's a scary and depressing feeling. I wish I had told Arkadiy "no" from the very beginning so that I could be home right now. I need to be with my family. They make me feel loved and happy.
I miss them so much.
I miss my mother and father, and sister and brother... I miss my baby yellow lab, Lucas.
Of course, I miss my friends, too, but seeing Cherie is more difficult to orchestrate. I miss Thom, but he doesn't talk to me now either. I think he is busy starting something with Kayla - which is perfectly alright with me! I want him to be happy and to not miss me so much, because I know that having me gone is hard on him. But I miss him a lot.

I am actually theorizing that this feeling is a part of the reason I was so interested in Arkadiy. He made me feel like the center of his world, like the most important person, and most importantly, he made me feel loved. It was a great feeling, and I hadn't felt so good in a while, so I hung out with him, and I mistook this feeling of acceptance and comfort for actual romantic feelings about him.

Is that terrible? If I had realized that I was simply feeling happy, not inclined towards Arkadiy, I would never have led him on...

Whatever, it's in the past.


Chemistry here I come.

***
I'm back for a moment, just to say:
Screw Chemistry. I'm playing TF2.

Idiot.

Arkadiy came by around 8.
I was still annoyed, and he caught on.
We talked, and we worked it out.

I told him the truth:
I am willing to
A) Be friends and just that.
B) Sever all communication with him
C) Screw around without any emotional attachment.

He wanted none of the above. But then he said that he was willing to try just screwing around.
He wanted to know how I could go from caring about him one night to not caring the next day.
I told him that after he decided to hurt me and drop everything so suddenly, I realized that I should never have gotten so attached to him. I realized that it was wrong, and that I didn't want it to be that way.

He claimed that he felt like it was unfair to Matt, and that was why he decided that we should just be friends. I know that the real reason was just that he couldn't handle me not loving him, and me always loving Matt. It was a "what's he got that I ain't got?" kind fo conversation, most of the night. So he left, as a friend. Good riddance.


I love Matt so much. With all of my heart.

I don't think I will be screwing around with any more guys here for a while.

***

PS - speaking of not screwing around with any guys here... the cute hispanic boy in my Morality and the Law class asked for my number today. This is not a good sign.

Fuck this.

Arkadiy said it was over. I agreed to this.

Then I decided that if we aren't going to see each other in person, we shouldn't waste our time talking through texts or over the internet either - why not just cut out all communication completely? It will help him get over me faster, which was the point of us not hanging out in person.

My sorrow from last night has grown into anger very quickly. I am annoyed.
And I looked to Matt for support - I texted him this morning.

-I love you Matt. I want you to hold me in your arms and make everything right in the world.
-What's the matter?
-Stuff that I shouldn't tell you about. But I love you and I need to be reminded that you love me.
-Emma, no matter what happens between us, I will always love you, no matter what. You're stuck with me forever.

*When I read that message, tears came to my eyes.*

-Thankyou. I will always love you too. You said exactly what I needed to hear. I hate the distance between us.
-You and me both. Are you in class right now?
-I just got out. But I am about to go to another class. What's up?
-Was just going to talk. Sounded like you needed to.
-I do need to. Can we talk tonight?
-Sure. Just text me.
-thankyou. I love you. I will talk to you later.

***


He is amazing. I love him. I am so stupid for losing track of myself with Arkadiy.

And now Arkadiy wants to meet up tonight.
He was very cryptic, just said he wants to talk. But he made it seem like he regrets his decision to stop seeing me. He said, "I'm an idiot" and he also said, "Let's see what happens tonight."

I was distant, and I have already made my decision: even if he asks if we can try again, the answer is no. He had his chance. He screwed up. Too bad.


***
I love you, Matt.

It's over.

It's really over.

Julian and Arkadiy came by to chill with Liz and I for a while - we watched the breakfast club (there was an event - breakfast club screening in the TV lounge), then we came back up to our dorm and hung out.

We were all sitting on my bed, all four of us. We were talking, and I can't even remember what was said, but over the course of things, Arkadiy ended up taking my hand in his. I was confused, because he was the one who said we should not be like that anymore. I got really frustrated and said something stupid, and then admitted, "I'm feeling bitter! I need to go get a drink from the vending machine." and basically stormed out, just to get away from the situation.

I came back a little while later and felt like a complete ass. I didn't know what to say to Arkadiy, so I said nothing at all. Apparently that was exactly the wrong thing to do.
He got more pissed at me.
Liz went to bed eventually, and I showed Julian Team Fortress 2.

Then I sort of whispered to Arkadiy that I wanted us to talk about this before the night was over, so when Julian said he was leaving (around 2AM), Arkadiy said he was not leaving yet.

After Julian left (I walked him out, of course), Arkadiy and I talked for a while. I apologized and we got past it.
Then I finally said, "If you really want this to be over, then it is. After tonight, I will not bother you again."

He said that he still wants to talk to me, but whenever we are together in person, we always end up back where we started - and that showed that we cared too much about each other to keep this casual. He said he can't be with me because he knows I am in love with Matt. I understand where he's coming from. I still think we are worth a shot, but I am no longer going to argue. This is what he wants, so this is how it has to be.

We kissed and cuddled and messed around a bit (all because I was pushing it - if this was my last night to touch him, I wanted to make it worthwhile). He reluctantly said he had to go, and I walked him out.

I can't believe it's over. It never even got a chance to begin.