Second year of college.

WEEEEEEE!! Back to school tomorrow for my sophomore year of college! Living by myself this year in an apartment on the 4th floor of a dorm building :D

Can't wait to be on my own and to have my own place.

Also I scheduled my classes so that I have mondays and fridays off! (My tuesdays and thursdays are completely booked, but it is worth it!)

Lastly, I can't wait to spend this year with Arkadiy. I missed him all summer (although we did have fairly frequent visits)... and hopefully he won't get confused about another girl when I'm there to remind him why he wants me. This summer was very rough. He can't handle distance, apparently, and he had some 'feelings' for a girl he met in a class last year whom he spent most of the summer hanging out with.

If I ever get the privilege of meeting her, that girl just might get what is coming to her for the pain I went through.

Anyway, so now things are patched up, sort of, and we are better. It has been a learning process for both of us. Hopefully it is a good thing, and now we will be able to have a better relationship because of it. Whatever, we'll see. He's not even ready to be 'in a relationship' with me yet. His explanation is that he doesn't want to upset Dylan (that's her name). It's ridiculous.

Okay, okay I've ranted enough. Done now.

I have missed him and I still love him.

That's what matters most, I think.

A good friend told me to always remember to be true to myself. I will try.

fingers crossed for a good year.

Am I insecure, or just lazy?

I want to ask someone in my life this question, but I feel like it will come off as immature or self-pitying or attention-whoring or something similar. But I think it is a legitimate question.

I don't have a lot of friends. Especially since I've moved to college (this is my first year, if you haven't read any previous posts). I'm in a new city. I didn't know anyone to begin with except one kid who used to go to my high school. I've seen him around campus a couple times, and I even went to a party he hosted. But other than that, I'm completely starting from scratch. I hung out with my suitemate, Liz, at the beginning, because I had no one else, and because she basically followed me wherever I went. Now, though, I avoid her, and I mostly just spend time with my boyfriend, and his friends (who have come to consider me a friend, too, I think/hope). However, I have one good friend on campus that I treasure, even if I rarely see him. Mike. He's great. We only met because a guy I met with during orientation was his roommate. It's lucky for me, though. He's a great friend, and he understands that I'm not very social.

Ok, so now you have a pretty good background of my friendships on campus. Back home... well....my two best friends from home, Cherie and Thom, are special cases. Cherie I have known and loved since 3rd grade. She's wonderful and we'd do anything for each other. I care about Thom, too, but he gets annoying because he originally became my friend because he wanted to be my boyfriend. Also we have a pretty messed up past, now. I've slept with him, and lots of stuff has made our friendship difficult and strained.

Anyway, my only other true friends are my sister and my brother. They're wonderful, but I don't think they really count - they are family.

So, here's my main topic for discussion: why don't I have more friends?

These are my points:

*I'm not so unattractive as to be repulsive to potential friends

*I'm not so attractive as to intimidate potential friends

*I am perfectly capable of having people like me

On that last point, I want to elaborate: Today, I ran into two people who showed me that I'm not a complete freak.

1)I ran into Julian, a boy who was in my law class last semester, and who I hung out with once. We had promised to hang out more, and I lent him one of my favorite books. I reminded him tonight that he still had it, and we went to his room and he gave it back. He also reminded me that we promised to hang out more, and it never happened. He said it like he wished it had happened.

2) I ran into a boy from a class I'm taking this semester. I have never spoken to him outside of class, and even in class, he's not very involved. Yet he smiled and casually said, "What brings you to this side of the hall?" We were headed in the same direction, so we small-talked until we parted ways, and it was totally normal. To him. It wasn't normal at all to me. I was expecting a "hey, how ya doin?" and then a polite smile and a response, then silence.

I can't be that antisocial, if people are happy to talk to me, and willingly strike up conversation, right?

So why am I so bad at making friends? Why is my closest friend on campus a guy? Why is my boyfriend the person I hang out with 99% of the time, and the other 1% is spent doing homework? (well, that's a little skewed - I have a lot of homework, most days....that's irrelevant, though.)

So, after thinking about this for a while, I realized:

I'm lazy. I have always told myself that I am simply incapable of forming lasting relationships with people, but the real reason I haven't got many close friends (or ANY close GIRL friends on campus) is because I'm too lazy to put in the effort required for such relationships.

But, what if it's something else? Or two things? What if I am also too judgmental? I am a very judgmental person, which I don't think is that uncommon - but what if I am so judgmental that I never let anyone close to me because I either

A) don't think they're worthy of my time

B) don't think I'm worthy of their time

??

I'm so confused. I could use some help with this.

thanks.

Emma

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