My Brain is Full of Fuck.

Well, it's been a while, blog. I haven't really missed you, because you are my crutch, and who misses a crutch until they have need for it once more?
Clearly, I have need for my crutch again. Since my last post, things have been fairly peachy. Sadly, today this enjoyable trend ended.

I shall now describe my issue and send it out into the interwebs in hopes that I can feel better after I've typed it out.

So, I know no one reads this, but in case someone does (for some unknown reason), if you want background on this issue, read my past posts. The names "Arkadiy" and "Dylan" will pop up a lot.

Background that is not in my past posts: I went to africa for a month this past summer. I worked with wild life like lions and giraffes and zebras. I also cheated on my boyfriend, Arkadiy. I did not have sex, which he still doesn't believe me about, but it's true. I did some other things I'm not proud of and I will not go into detail. But I did cheat. And I felt horrible for it. So I told him... about 2 months after I got back. It was bad and I'm still trying to regain his trust, but at least I've come clean and we're working on it.

Anyway, so it's been about 2 months since I told him, and the issue seems pretty settled - we're still together and I think he's getting over it. I'm still forgiving myself for it, but it really is the one thing in my life that I would go back and change if given the chance.
So this issue is behind us, but I just wanted to make clear that I'm not perfect and I know I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. And it seems that Arkadiy and I have difficulty with summers - two summers ago, he spent all summer with Dylan (while telling me they were just friends) and then dumped me for her, and this past summer I cheated on him on a different continent. Whatever, we're both human. We've both fucked up, and we're trying to get past it.

***

Now, Arkadiy has not really mentioned Dylan since she moved to Colorado this past summer. He did say she invited him to visit sometime, but it seemed like a non-issue (when would he find time or money to go?), so I just brushed it off as 'no big deal'. Today he said he was either going to visit her over winter break, or during spring break.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

How can I tell him I don't want him to go, when he let me go to Africa and I cheated and he still didn't break up with me?
It feels like if I say, "I'm not comfortable with you spending a week in colorado with Dylan" I'm being a complete hypocrite. But that's how I feel, so what the fuck can I do? I know he'll go unless I say something, and I know if I say something, he might still go, and it will all be a really big problem for us. And if I don't say anything and he goes, I will worry the whole time (ruining whatever break I have from school), and I will most likely be a total pissy bitch to him for a while before and after he goes. So goddammit, either way, we're going to fight about this.

What the fuck. This is such a catch-22. If I don't say anything and let him go, we'll fight because I'll be worried that he'll cheat or dump me. If I say something, we'll most likely fight and he'll probably still go, and maybe have even more motivation to cheat on me or dump me.

Internet, I am supposed to be studying for an exam I have tomorrow morning. I can't focus because I hate this whole thing and I hate that he doesn't understand how awful it makes me feel. I want to tell him how scared it makes me to think of him spending a week alone with her, but if I do, he'll probably just say, "you went to africa for a month." and so what's the point?

even today, when I got pissy after he brought it up, he said, "What, I can't visit my friend?"
SHE'S NOT YOUR GODDAMN FRIEND SHE'S THE GIRL YOU DUMPED ME FOR LAST SUMMER AND THE GIRL WHO ALWAYS DRAGGED YOU BACK IN BY CLAIMING SHE'D TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND NONE OF HER [LARGE AMOUNT OF] FRIENDS CAN BE THERE FOR HER, SO YOU NEED TO GO SAVE HER.
Why are guys so stupid about this shit? she's a classic "damsel in distress" victim whiner. Most girls go through this stage - in high school, latest. I was there. I cut myself freshman year of high school, and senior year my mom threatened to send me to the mental ward of a hospital because of my constant depression and outbursts and running away from home every other night. I'VE FUCKING BEEN THERE. But it has to end.

That night last january (or february maybe), when she called you and you went straight to her place even though you were on your way to my place. She claimed she tried to commit suicide, or was going to try (i don't remember). You rushed to her aid, because her best friend - who, according to you, seemed to always be around - couldn't be there for her. None of her friends could be there - but you, whom she hadn't spoken to in months, you were her last hope. IT'S FUCKING DRAMA AND YOU BITCH AT ME AND YOU TOLD ME MY TENDENCY TO BE DRAMATIC IS THE ONE THING THAT YOU FIND MOST ANNOYING - WHY DOES HER DRAMA SEEM TO MAKE YOU HER PUPPET?
I even told you, go ahead, be there for her, make sure she won't kill herself. How long should that really take? An hour? maybe 2? After that, if she's still going to commit suicide, you should take her to a hospital. But no, you were with her from 9pm to 2am? or was it 3? And you guys watched movies and went to applebees. are you fucking kidding me?

That's not a suicidal girl, that's an attention whore using the 'damsel-in-distress' ploy to get attention.
I wonder if she knew you picked her over me that night? If she did, I bet she enjoyed that.

You claimed it wasn't "dylan or emma" and you called me selfish. But I let you go. I just didn't expect you to stay for 5+ hours.
I waited up for you that night. just so we could fight.

Next time I want attention, should I threaten suicide and then move to colorado?
Because when I get upset, you get ANNOYED with me. How is that fucking fair?


She's not suicidal, she's using it because it works on you.

***

Wow, that turned into a rant. Guess I'm still not over the "Dylan" thing. Hmm, maybe that's why I can't stand the thought of Arkadiy going to colorado for a week alone with this girl.

***

Thanks internet, for being my outlet, since my boyfriend can't seem to understand my frustration.

I really love him. But I hate having to censor what I say, for fear of it annoying him. I wanted to tell him today -
What are the odds of us being together, or even meeting?
He was born in soviet russia. his parents brought him to philadelphia when he was 5. He happened to decide to go to temple university.
I was born in NY state. My parents brought me to connecticut when I was 5. I wanted to go to a university in NY. I was put on a waiting list for that school, so I chose temple, much to my own dismay.

temple university is a very large school.

We met in the courtyard of my building freshman year, only because he happened to have a friend who lived in that building, and they happened to decide to play whiffleball that night. And I happened to want a drink from the vending machine while they were outside playing.

And I happened to decide that I wanted to play whiffleball too. And I overcame my shyness [and fear of rejection] and actually introduced myself to them and asked to play.

You know what this tells me? it's really corny and I know many people would find it naive. But it tells me, "soul mates".
I adore him. I love him in a different way, because I know him more, and have more memories with him, but I love him just as much as when we first started dating, if not more.

We've been through so much and broken up about 3 times? 4? But it's been 2 years and I hope we have many more to come.

So, whatever, I'm a creeper or a weirdo or just naive - but I really wanted to tell him that, and when I started to, I stopped because I realized he'd probably laugh or tell me I'm creepy.

***

tl'dr
I don't want him to go to colorado, but I feel like I don't have any right to say anything about it. and either way we will probably have a fight about it because even if I don't say anything, I will probably get bitchy and worried when it gets closer to the time he's going to visit her. so I'm worried I will push him away because of all this.

***
first world problems, amirite?

Second year of college.

WEEEEEEE!! Back to school tomorrow for my sophomore year of college! Living by myself this year in an apartment on the 4th floor of a dorm building :D

Can't wait to be on my own and to have my own place.

Also I scheduled my classes so that I have mondays and fridays off! (My tuesdays and thursdays are completely booked, but it is worth it!)

Lastly, I can't wait to spend this year with Arkadiy. I missed him all summer (although we did have fairly frequent visits)... and hopefully he won't get confused about another girl when I'm there to remind him why he wants me. This summer was very rough. He can't handle distance, apparently, and he had some 'feelings' for a girl he met in a class last year whom he spent most of the summer hanging out with.

If I ever get the privilege of meeting her, that girl just might get what is coming to her for the pain I went through.

Anyway, so now things are patched up, sort of, and we are better. It has been a learning process for both of us. Hopefully it is a good thing, and now we will be able to have a better relationship because of it. Whatever, we'll see. He's not even ready to be 'in a relationship' with me yet. His explanation is that he doesn't want to upset Dylan (that's her name). It's ridiculous.

Okay, okay I've ranted enough. Done now.

I have missed him and I still love him.

That's what matters most, I think.

A good friend told me to always remember to be true to myself. I will try.

fingers crossed for a good year.

Am I insecure, or just lazy?

I want to ask someone in my life this question, but I feel like it will come off as immature or self-pitying or attention-whoring or something similar. But I think it is a legitimate question.

I don't have a lot of friends. Especially since I've moved to college (this is my first year, if you haven't read any previous posts). I'm in a new city. I didn't know anyone to begin with except one kid who used to go to my high school. I've seen him around campus a couple times, and I even went to a party he hosted. But other than that, I'm completely starting from scratch. I hung out with my suitemate, Liz, at the beginning, because I had no one else, and because she basically followed me wherever I went. Now, though, I avoid her, and I mostly just spend time with my boyfriend, and his friends (who have come to consider me a friend, too, I think/hope). However, I have one good friend on campus that I treasure, even if I rarely see him. Mike. He's great. We only met because a guy I met with during orientation was his roommate. It's lucky for me, though. He's a great friend, and he understands that I'm not very social.

Ok, so now you have a pretty good background of my friendships on campus. Back home... well....my two best friends from home, Cherie and Thom, are special cases. Cherie I have known and loved since 3rd grade. She's wonderful and we'd do anything for each other. I care about Thom, too, but he gets annoying because he originally became my friend because he wanted to be my boyfriend. Also we have a pretty messed up past, now. I've slept with him, and lots of stuff has made our friendship difficult and strained.

Anyway, my only other true friends are my sister and my brother. They're wonderful, but I don't think they really count - they are family.

So, here's my main topic for discussion: why don't I have more friends?

These are my points:

*I'm not so unattractive as to be repulsive to potential friends

*I'm not so attractive as to intimidate potential friends

*I am perfectly capable of having people like me

On that last point, I want to elaborate: Today, I ran into two people who showed me that I'm not a complete freak.

1)I ran into Julian, a boy who was in my law class last semester, and who I hung out with once. We had promised to hang out more, and I lent him one of my favorite books. I reminded him tonight that he still had it, and we went to his room and he gave it back. He also reminded me that we promised to hang out more, and it never happened. He said it like he wished it had happened.

2) I ran into a boy from a class I'm taking this semester. I have never spoken to him outside of class, and even in class, he's not very involved. Yet he smiled and casually said, "What brings you to this side of the hall?" We were headed in the same direction, so we small-talked until we parted ways, and it was totally normal. To him. It wasn't normal at all to me. I was expecting a "hey, how ya doin?" and then a polite smile and a response, then silence.

I can't be that antisocial, if people are happy to talk to me, and willingly strike up conversation, right?

So why am I so bad at making friends? Why is my closest friend on campus a guy? Why is my boyfriend the person I hang out with 99% of the time, and the other 1% is spent doing homework? (well, that's a little skewed - I have a lot of homework, most days....that's irrelevant, though.)

So, after thinking about this for a while, I realized:

I'm lazy. I have always told myself that I am simply incapable of forming lasting relationships with people, but the real reason I haven't got many close friends (or ANY close GIRL friends on campus) is because I'm too lazy to put in the effort required for such relationships.

But, what if it's something else? Or two things? What if I am also too judgmental? I am a very judgmental person, which I don't think is that uncommon - but what if I am so judgmental that I never let anyone close to me because I either

A) don't think they're worthy of my time

B) don't think I'm worthy of their time

??

I'm so confused. I could use some help with this.

thanks.

Emma

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/zachariah2

It's been a while...

Ok. Well, I didn't think anyone read this anymore, so I kind of stopped keeping up with it as my life got more and more hectic. However, Thom tells me he misses my updates. So, here goes:

Hmmmm.....

Matt is no longer a part of my life - at least, not the way he was. We lost touch: we wouldn't speak for weeks and weeks at a time, so I grew frustrated and began to detach.

That's when I started growing fond of Arkadiy. Well, I already grew fond of him... but, this was different.
We had been messing around already for quite a while, but I told him not to expect anything more than that from me. He said that he was ok with that.

I went home with him one weekend. I met his family. I loved them, they loved me. And I told him, "Arkadiy, I want to date you. I want you to be only mine, and I want to be only yours."

He looked me in the eyes and said, "Emma, I don't know how they do this nowadays, so... Will you be my girlfriend? ... I really can't think of a more eloquent way to ask..."

I kissed him. After, he just said, "So.... is that a 'yes'?"
It was.

***

I called Matt to tell him because I felt like I should. It seemed like the right thing to do. Not like he cared. When I called and told him that I was in a relationship, he sounded completely nonchalant. Like he didn't give a fuck about what I was doing with my life and my love. So I realized, this was just another sign that I am with the right person. Matt either didn't care, or didn't care enough to tell me how he was actually feeling.
Thus, I am with Arkadiy, and I am happy for the first time since I fell for Matt.
I still have feelings for Matt, but I need to let that fade, so that I can get on with my life. He clearly didn't care for me the way I care for him. So I am better off this way.


***
That was... November 7, I believe. Things have been going well ever since.

***

School has been annoying and tiring, and I can't wait for winter break.

I'm considering minoring in acting, because my teacher in that course keeps telling me how good I am and how well I understand the craft. He keeps saying, "I hope you continue acting, at least as a hobby"
***

Arkadiy is coming with me when I go home for winter break, and he's staying through until December 27th. My russian, jewish boyfriend will get to experience an irish/italian catholic christmas! Haha it'll be great. I can't wait!

***

PS - just had to mention it: Arkadiy is the best lover I have ever been with. Ever.
And he finds it hilarious every time I marvel at his talent.
I have never experimented and had so much fun in bed!
He's amazing.
and he's smart! So smart. I don't usually pay attention to IQ, but his is 142... he's brilliant!
I love how strong, smart, handsome, funny, sexy, devoted he is! I could go on for hours, I think, just talking about how perfect he is. I can't understand why he is with me.
He's protective and he takes care of me. Even when I freak out and have a melt down, which happens about once every couple of months (but more often, lately), he knows how to handle it, anbd he calms me down. He always says, "I'm not going anywhere, Emma, so why don't you just calm down and talk to me. Talk to me, honey. I love you."

Anyhow, I love him, and he loves me. And I'm so happy.

True, I just posted a couple of hours ago, but...

1) GO PHILLIES!! FINAL SCORE ON FIRST GAME OF WORLD SERIES:
PHILLIES: 6
YANKEES: 1
A GREAT START!!!
***

Now that that is out of my system,

2)I have registered for my spring 2010 courses, and I figured I should post the (still unconfirmed) schedule and roster here.

This is going to be a tough (but engaging) spring semester...


My Roster:




And this is my schedule, all laid out:

Great Wednesday.

Alright. I have been super-busy with homework lately, that's why I haven't been posting as often.

Anyway, I finished my Morality and the Law midterm paper for yesterday's class at 6AM yesterday morning... and before that I hadn't slept much either. Basically, this week had been terrible for my sleeping pattern until last night. Last night, I said, "Screw them homework, I can do it all tomorrow." And I went to bed at 9:30PM. I ended up waking up at 4:44AM and lying in bed until 6:45, when I had to get up for class. It was wonderful. I would do the same tonight, except there is too much going on.

But before I go into my schedule for tonight, I just want to talk a bit about my schedule for this week, and my grade in chemistry.

First, my chem grade:
I have been stressing most about chemistry, because it is my lowest known grade (my damn morality and the law teacher doesn't post the grades online! bitch.)... and my teacher keeps telling everyone that if your grade is in the 50's, you should drop the course. He said if you got a 5o-something on the first test, and a 50-something on the one we just took last week, then you should just drop it. I got a 71 on the first test, while the class average was a 56. I was very nervous about the test we took last week, because most people in my class said they thought it was harder, not easier than the first. I found it to be easier, but I was still worried. Well, the results are in: the class average was a 53! That's LOWER than the first test. I was terrified. Then, I got my test back and found my grade: I GOT A 94!!! I couldn't believe it!

So, anyway, my teacher said at the beginning of the semester that, generally, an 85 average would be equivalent to an A for the course (after curve). My average is currently an 84! And that's not including my masteringchemistry.com scores (which are all above 100%)! I am so glad! This means that I have an A in all of my courses for this semester, as far as I can tell.

So, yeah, that made my day, today.

***

Now, for the rest of this week:

Tomorrow or friday, I must get down to south street and go to the halloween store to buy a witch's hat for halloween (I have a black dress and black shoes already...soo....yeah.). I wasn't going to bother buying anything for a costume, because I wasn't planing on going to any parties or anything, but then Mike told me I have no choice, I must show up for a party, even if it's just for an hour or two. So now I am doing that on saturday night, and spending the rest of the night with Arkadiy. This should be interesting, considering he doesn't condone drinking or drug use.

Speaking of Arkadiy, things are getting pretty intense between us. His parents (whom I have not met...yet.) think we are dating, are about to date. He wants me to come home with him one weekend, so he can show me where he's from. And now I am taking him with me to see a play.

There's a story behind that one, so here goes:

I love my Acting teacher, as I have said many times before, I am sure. Well, he mentioned a few classes ago that the acting troupe that works at the Globe Theatre in England (yes, THE Globe, where Shakespeare's plays were originally debuted - well, it was rebuilt after a fire, but still.) is in town until saturday night, doing performances of Love's Labours Lost. I really want to see it, so I emailed Nathan to get more information. He sent me an email that said, verbatim:

"Great Emma!

Your interest inspired me to make the event worth extra credit. It's playing now until Saturday night. My wife and I are going to the show on Saturday afternoon at 2pm. I hope you (and others from our class) will be able to join us. I think it sounds like fun to discuss the show at intermission and afterward in the lobby.

Hope you decide to come,

Nathan G."

I got so excited!! He made the play extra credit! and not just any extra credit, but 2 points on the Final Grade for the class! That could mean an A+ in stead of an A! Oh I am definitely going to see this play! So, I invited Liz, but she is going home this weekend and won't be around when I want to go (Friday @ 8PM). Then I invited Arkadiy. He agreed to go. Now he says that his mother will expect us to be dating if he went to a play with me. I thought that was funny, but it made sense. Maybe we shouldn't do all this couple stuff? But he has already told me he loves me. Goddamn this is confusing. I told him I love him too... but it was in the middle of sex, and I didn't know what else to say. How could I not answer that? But the thing is... I am in love with Matt!!
I love Matt, and I am IN LOVE WITH Matt. Those are two different things, you know. And Arkadiy doesn't seem to realize that. I think he is hoping I will forget about Matt.

But I can't. I love Matt. I miss him.

***

Oh, and a funny story for my closing:
This morning, in my acting class, my partner (for the scene I am doing as my final project) asked me if I am jewish! I thought it was so funny, and I responded that, while many people think I look Jewish, I am actually just italian and irish, so the darkness of an italian's features mixed with the curly hair of an irish girl - et voila, a Jewish-looking chick.
I told Arkadiy and he thought it was funny too. I guess even when he finally picks a non-Jew, she still has to look Jewish :P

***

Anyway, so, my week is going pretty well, except for the complication of "I Love You" with Arkadiy.

I am off to do homework until the World Series starts tonight, which I am watching with Arkadiy, Julian, and Kyle. Then, at midnight, I will be registering for my spring classes.


Here's my tentative schedule:

4 Credit Hours Calculus II Honors
3 Credit Hours General Chemistry II
1 Credit Hour General Chemistry II Lab
3 Credit Hours Fundamentals of Neuroscience
3 Credit Hours Mosaics I Honors
3 Credit Hours Gen-Ed (I'm not sure what, hopefully an honors course)
__
17 Credits.