My Brain is Full of Fuck.

Well, it's been a while, blog. I haven't really missed you, because you are my crutch, and who misses a crutch until they have need for it once more?
Clearly, I have need for my crutch again. Since my last post, things have been fairly peachy. Sadly, today this enjoyable trend ended.

I shall now describe my issue and send it out into the interwebs in hopes that I can feel better after I've typed it out.

So, I know no one reads this, but in case someone does (for some unknown reason), if you want background on this issue, read my past posts. The names "Arkadiy" and "Dylan" will pop up a lot.

Background that is not in my past posts: I went to africa for a month this past summer. I worked with wild life like lions and giraffes and zebras. I also cheated on my boyfriend, Arkadiy. I did not have sex, which he still doesn't believe me about, but it's true. I did some other things I'm not proud of and I will not go into detail. But I did cheat. And I felt horrible for it. So I told him... about 2 months after I got back. It was bad and I'm still trying to regain his trust, but at least I've come clean and we're working on it.

Anyway, so it's been about 2 months since I told him, and the issue seems pretty settled - we're still together and I think he's getting over it. I'm still forgiving myself for it, but it really is the one thing in my life that I would go back and change if given the chance.
So this issue is behind us, but I just wanted to make clear that I'm not perfect and I know I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. And it seems that Arkadiy and I have difficulty with summers - two summers ago, he spent all summer with Dylan (while telling me they were just friends) and then dumped me for her, and this past summer I cheated on him on a different continent. Whatever, we're both human. We've both fucked up, and we're trying to get past it.

***

Now, Arkadiy has not really mentioned Dylan since she moved to Colorado this past summer. He did say she invited him to visit sometime, but it seemed like a non-issue (when would he find time or money to go?), so I just brushed it off as 'no big deal'. Today he said he was either going to visit her over winter break, or during spring break.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

How can I tell him I don't want him to go, when he let me go to Africa and I cheated and he still didn't break up with me?
It feels like if I say, "I'm not comfortable with you spending a week in colorado with Dylan" I'm being a complete hypocrite. But that's how I feel, so what the fuck can I do? I know he'll go unless I say something, and I know if I say something, he might still go, and it will all be a really big problem for us. And if I don't say anything and he goes, I will worry the whole time (ruining whatever break I have from school), and I will most likely be a total pissy bitch to him for a while before and after he goes. So goddammit, either way, we're going to fight about this.

What the fuck. This is such a catch-22. If I don't say anything and let him go, we'll fight because I'll be worried that he'll cheat or dump me. If I say something, we'll most likely fight and he'll probably still go, and maybe have even more motivation to cheat on me or dump me.

Internet, I am supposed to be studying for an exam I have tomorrow morning. I can't focus because I hate this whole thing and I hate that he doesn't understand how awful it makes me feel. I want to tell him how scared it makes me to think of him spending a week alone with her, but if I do, he'll probably just say, "you went to africa for a month." and so what's the point?

even today, when I got pissy after he brought it up, he said, "What, I can't visit my friend?"
SHE'S NOT YOUR GODDAMN FRIEND SHE'S THE GIRL YOU DUMPED ME FOR LAST SUMMER AND THE GIRL WHO ALWAYS DRAGGED YOU BACK IN BY CLAIMING SHE'D TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND NONE OF HER [LARGE AMOUNT OF] FRIENDS CAN BE THERE FOR HER, SO YOU NEED TO GO SAVE HER.
Why are guys so stupid about this shit? she's a classic "damsel in distress" victim whiner. Most girls go through this stage - in high school, latest. I was there. I cut myself freshman year of high school, and senior year my mom threatened to send me to the mental ward of a hospital because of my constant depression and outbursts and running away from home every other night. I'VE FUCKING BEEN THERE. But it has to end.

That night last january (or february maybe), when she called you and you went straight to her place even though you were on your way to my place. She claimed she tried to commit suicide, or was going to try (i don't remember). You rushed to her aid, because her best friend - who, according to you, seemed to always be around - couldn't be there for her. None of her friends could be there - but you, whom she hadn't spoken to in months, you were her last hope. IT'S FUCKING DRAMA AND YOU BITCH AT ME AND YOU TOLD ME MY TENDENCY TO BE DRAMATIC IS THE ONE THING THAT YOU FIND MOST ANNOYING - WHY DOES HER DRAMA SEEM TO MAKE YOU HER PUPPET?
I even told you, go ahead, be there for her, make sure she won't kill herself. How long should that really take? An hour? maybe 2? After that, if she's still going to commit suicide, you should take her to a hospital. But no, you were with her from 9pm to 2am? or was it 3? And you guys watched movies and went to applebees. are you fucking kidding me?

That's not a suicidal girl, that's an attention whore using the 'damsel-in-distress' ploy to get attention.
I wonder if she knew you picked her over me that night? If she did, I bet she enjoyed that.

You claimed it wasn't "dylan or emma" and you called me selfish. But I let you go. I just didn't expect you to stay for 5+ hours.
I waited up for you that night. just so we could fight.

Next time I want attention, should I threaten suicide and then move to colorado?
Because when I get upset, you get ANNOYED with me. How is that fucking fair?


She's not suicidal, she's using it because it works on you.

***

Wow, that turned into a rant. Guess I'm still not over the "Dylan" thing. Hmm, maybe that's why I can't stand the thought of Arkadiy going to colorado for a week alone with this girl.

***

Thanks internet, for being my outlet, since my boyfriend can't seem to understand my frustration.

I really love him. But I hate having to censor what I say, for fear of it annoying him. I wanted to tell him today -
What are the odds of us being together, or even meeting?
He was born in soviet russia. his parents brought him to philadelphia when he was 5. He happened to decide to go to temple university.
I was born in NY state. My parents brought me to connecticut when I was 5. I wanted to go to a university in NY. I was put on a waiting list for that school, so I chose temple, much to my own dismay.

temple university is a very large school.

We met in the courtyard of my building freshman year, only because he happened to have a friend who lived in that building, and they happened to decide to play whiffleball that night. And I happened to want a drink from the vending machine while they were outside playing.

And I happened to decide that I wanted to play whiffleball too. And I overcame my shyness [and fear of rejection] and actually introduced myself to them and asked to play.

You know what this tells me? it's really corny and I know many people would find it naive. But it tells me, "soul mates".
I adore him. I love him in a different way, because I know him more, and have more memories with him, but I love him just as much as when we first started dating, if not more.

We've been through so much and broken up about 3 times? 4? But it's been 2 years and I hope we have many more to come.

So, whatever, I'm a creeper or a weirdo or just naive - but I really wanted to tell him that, and when I started to, I stopped because I realized he'd probably laugh or tell me I'm creepy.

***

tl'dr
I don't want him to go to colorado, but I feel like I don't have any right to say anything about it. and either way we will probably have a fight about it because even if I don't say anything, I will probably get bitchy and worried when it gets closer to the time he's going to visit her. so I'm worried I will push him away because of all this.

***
first world problems, amirite?